Why School essay - Could anyone give me some feedback?

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Why School essay - Could anyone give me some feedback?

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:28 am

Thank you so much!!! please dont use the quote function i want to delete

[+] Spoiler
My primary goal in attending law school is to work in the public service legal field, particularly in housing and criminal defense. In my time spent in City 1, City 2 and City 3, I lived in communities dealing with the effects of both an affordable housing crisis and an unbalanced criminal justice system. I witnessed firsthand the effects of these crises on neighbors, relatives, and friends.

I am aware that community service is a traditional and required aspect of undergraduate and graduate school at Fordham University, and an incredibly important part of New York City urban community development. I know, for instance, that the university as a whole was recently honored this fall at the The Hundred Year Association of New York for its commitment to public service in the city. I know too that over 60 graduates of Fordham University School of Law each year go into public interest or public sector positions - this is a number that I would be proud to join. It is evident that the education these graduates take into their non-profits or state and federal offices is one that will serve them admirably the length of their careers.

A more specific goal within the field of public interest that I aim to fulfill is to become a public defender. I know that public defenders are on the front lines when it comes to providing holistic indigent legal services. Accordingly, I feel that the Fordham Criminal Defense clinic is one that I would both appreciate and achieve in. Additionally, I’d be very interested in taking part in the Fordham Urban Law Journal, as much of my interest in public service is rooted in the intersection between metropolitan communities, racial disparity, and indigent legal needs.

Educational clinic programs on indigent services, the pro-bono work done on behalf of numerous public interest groups throughout New York City and state, and the ability to concentrate one’s juris doctorate in public service – all of this points to passion that Fordham University School of Law students and alumni have for public justice. It is this passion which drives me to attend and which instills in me a commitment to serving the residents of New York City.

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KENYADIGG1T
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Re: Why School essay - Could anyone give me some feedback?

Postby KENYADIGG1T » Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:46 am

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Last edited by KENYADIGG1T on Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

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KENYADIGG1T
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Re: Why School essay - Could anyone give me some feedback?

Postby KENYADIGG1T » Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:49 am

I'll start with an excerpt, and then give you big-picture comments in what follows. At the end of your first paragraph, you write

I witnessed firsthand the effects of these crises on neighbors, relatives, and friends.


I get that it's a "Why X" essay, but tell me what these effects are. Why are these effects relevant to your "Why X?" And this is the big thing missing from your essay. You obviously have done your research on Fordham and their programs, but I can switch Fordham with another school and not lose much substance. Templates are useful, but not sufficient. Flesh it out more.

An unorthodox piece of advice is to read statements of purpose for PhD programs. Because graduate applicants are not just applying to a school, but are also applying to work under a particular faculty, the goal is not just to argue "[KENYADIGG1T] wants to go to Fordham because they have good criminal defense clinics" but "[KENYADIGG1T] wants to go to Fordham because of the great clinics that provide criminal defense to Bronx residents, many of whom look like [KENYADIGG1T] but were unlucky. [KENYADIGG1T] wants to help disenfranchised communities access justice, and the resources and location Fordham offers align uniquely with [KD1T's] values and [KD1T's] motivating reason to practice law." Awkward third person aside, what I'm getting at here is this: an effective "Why X" isn't just looking at the benefits a school has and matching it up your interests (everybody and their mother can write this); an effective "Why X" argues that the resources in a particular school interact with your interests, objectives, and values in a way no other school can replicate.

If you need one more way to think about this, here goes. You want to get into public interest law, presumably in NYC. Why Fordham and not, say, CUNY Law?

I apologize if the above is pedantic and wordy. I am really just trying to help by isolating the thing you need to push this essay into a higher level.

NOTE: I'm working on final papers so I HAVE to be granular.
Last edited by KENYADIGG1T on Wed Dec 06, 2017 12:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Hennessy
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Re: Why School essay - Could anyone give me some feedback?

Postby Hennessy » Wed Dec 06, 2017 12:04 pm

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Last edited by Hennessy on Wed Dec 06, 2017 10:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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KENYADIGG1T
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Re: Why School essay - Could anyone give me some feedback?

Postby KENYADIGG1T » Wed Dec 06, 2017 12:22 pm

You got it!




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