Help me!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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NavyNuke
Posts: 239
Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2014 8:32 pm

Help me!

Postby NavyNuke » Wed Aug 09, 2017 6:05 pm

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Last edited by NavyNuke on Sun Nov 12, 2017 10:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.

edcat
Posts: 24
Joined: Fri May 12, 2017 11:17 am

Re: Help me!

Postby edcat » Thu Aug 10, 2017 9:13 am

I'm not sure what a draft like 137 is. It seems like a draft of a personal statement.

I think your experience in the Navy serves as a great vessel for your essay.

That said, in a lot of places, I think that you would be well served by the advice of my high school english teachers "show don't tell".

You do this to some degree. The creak of the ship as it descends, your collective celebration afterward.

But the part I thought I was going to be the most impressed by was you.

I was promised that you learned how to be a leader, witnessed the awesome power of teamwork, and had your commitment to service reaffirmed.

Reading this, I craved to see a tangible example of each of those things, ideally an example that I could imagine, but could never myself have experienced. The closest you came to showing how you learned to lead was saying you pushed yourself to be a top performer on training and exams. Then you said the transition to a leadership role was smooth because your actions deserved to be emulated. I can say all of those things about my job in my University’s cafeteria, but one of our jobs involved substantially more responsibility, training, danger, education, and effort. And it was not my caf job.

So, are there any stories you can tell about your leadership? Was it always smooth? If yes, what was it that you did that was so emulateable that it was so smooth? If not, how did you handle it? You are in a better position to ask the right questions here than me, but the point is, use stories. Your statement is best where you do and weakest where you just make statements.

I think your statement delivers on your love of the service. That's good. I'm not sure it is as convincing as it could be in the parts that sell you.

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NavyNuke
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Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2014 8:32 pm

Re: Help me!

Postby NavyNuke » Thu Aug 10, 2017 12:54 pm

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Last edited by NavyNuke on Sun Nov 12, 2017 10:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ponderingmeerkat
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Re: Help me!

Postby ponderingmeerkat » Thu Aug 10, 2017 7:03 pm

NavyNuke wrote:Draft like 137 at this point. All thoughts appreciated. Please don't quote.


Hey dude, as one vet to another (and as someone who received a lot of expert assistance conceptualizing/"theme-ing"/proofing a PS that got me into a T13), let me throw some freebee advice your way--take it or leave it:

I highly recommend using your PS to expand your appeal as an applicant, nor reiterate ad nauseam your military credentials. Your typical adcomm gets that you're a vet. That's cool and all, but the trap is avoiding a snap judgement that your application package appears one-dimentional. Expand on your interests. Use the PS as an opportunity to make yourself appear multi-dimensional with a broad range of interests/talents/capabilities/hobbies/life experiences. That's not to say your can't use your military background as a springboard into other interests, but don't beat Dean XXXX over the cranium repeatedly with your ex-military status. So, as hard as this might be (and sunk cost fallacy goes hard--I get it), recommend you scrap this and start again with a different topic.

Good luck man...feel free to PM me if need be and also to join us in the vet thread. 8)

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NavyNuke
Posts: 239
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Re: Help me!

Postby NavyNuke » Thu Aug 10, 2017 8:01 pm

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