Feedback wanted!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
dylanca
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Jul 19, 2017 6:41 pm

Feedback wanted!

Postby dylanca » Wed Jul 19, 2017 6:45 pm

Long time lurker, first time poster. As the content of my PS shows, my LSAC GPA is very weak. With that in mind, it is going to take a killer PS to get in to anywhere decent. Feedback would be great.

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“You need to get home right now. You know exactly what you did and we need it back. You just don’t understand.”
Even as a nine-year-old, I understood. I understood that my parent’s drug addiction was harmful to everyone in our household, but most of all my one-year-old brother. That is why I had thrown it all in the large garbage can on our curb. Regardless, I was on my hands and knees a few hours later, rifling around wet trash for the expensive sedatives I had thrown out earlier that day. There are many lessons too difficult for a child, but the fact that people sometimes need shelter from their own protector is high up on that list.

“Payday isn’t until the first. You either eat what we have or you don’t eat at all.”
A diet consisting purely of macaroni and cheese, and canned fruit can only be happily sustained for so long. For me, it was about one week. Systematically rewashing the same pan, bowl and spoon I used the past four meals became a ritual of sorts. A ritual that I was content to continue so long as it meant that there was something to eat. Not many are constantly reminded of the difference between eating a pack of Ramen and three full meals a day until they first go out on their own, and even then, the title of “poor college student” lends novelty to the experience. Learning this at a younger age than most was not a particularly pleasant experience, but I am grateful that it has allowed me to better understand and empathize with an array of people.

“If you want to transfer to a University, you’re going to have to either take fewer classes or work fewer hours. You need to improve your grades and you don’t want to burn out.”
Fast-forward through the parental overdoses, foster care and maternal suicide. Not wanting to be left behind by my friends, I worked sixty hour weeks making minimum wage and tried to attend my local community college all while working through the turmoil of my childhood. I failed miserably. After a couple years spent gaining enough work experience to make a livable wage and reconciling with my past, I returned to school. With a 1.3 GPA, I had to be nearly flawless for my university of choice to accept me. I kept working full time and took on a full course load, earning a 4.0 several semesters in a row. I lifted my GPA from a 1.3 to a 3.2 and transferred to my university of choice, maintaining a high caliber GPA at the university. I found that my will to learn what I needed so I could become a more productive person often overrode any sort of burnout others expected me to experience. I found that I could rework my past into something constructive and thrive off it.

Given the option, I would never choose to live the same childhood again and I hesitate to talk about it even now. However, I have chosen to make it mean something. I have learned too much not to. I know that protectors sometimes need to be protected against, no matter their inherent position over others. I know that hunger for food, water, love, or respect are all relative – those with the least of these things often have the most to lose. Maybe most importantly, I know that I am more compassionate, driven and disposed to rise higher than I would have had these experiences never taken place.

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MediocreAtBest
Posts: 608
Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2017 2:51 pm

Re: Feedback wanted!

Postby MediocreAtBest » Wed Jul 19, 2017 7:25 pm

As of right now, I don't like it. I think you have a very compelling story and serious potential to make this great though. I'd like to see everything with better story telling, really draw us in, right now you're kind of just telling us it happened. Tell us what happened during, what happened after, how you felt, your emotions. Dig deep. Don't fast-forward through the overdoses and foster care and suicide, really make us know you, if that makes sense.

Your story deserves to be told as well as possible, and you have some work to do. Get more people to read it and give you advice, reach out to your old english professors, anyone willing to read it.

dylanca
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Jul 19, 2017 6:41 pm

Re: Feedback wanted!

Postby dylanca » Wed Jul 19, 2017 7:41 pm

MediocreAtBest wrote:As of right now, I don't like it. I think you have a very compelling story and serious potential to make this great though. I'd like to see everything with better story telling, really draw us in, right now you're kind of just telling us it happened. Tell us what happened during, what happened after, how you felt, your emotions. Dig deep. Don't fast-forward through the overdoses and foster care and suicide, really make us know you, if that makes sense.

Your story deserves to be told as well as possible, and you have some work to do. Get more people to read it and give you advice, reach out to your old english professors, anyone willing to read it.


I definitely can get more into the visceral aspects of the events I sped through and focus more on the storytelling. I am just concerned about it getting too dark and heavy.

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MediocreAtBest
Posts: 608
Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2017 2:51 pm

Re: Feedback wanted!

Postby MediocreAtBest » Wed Jul 19, 2017 7:47 pm

dylanca wrote:I definitely can get more into the visceral aspects of the events I sped through and focus more on the storytelling. I am just concerned about it getting too dark and heavy.


Don't be concerned. It's a dark and heavy experience, do it justice, make us feel it. It'll be more moving.

lnsl123
Posts: 130
Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2016 11:27 pm

Re: Feedback wanted!

Postby lnsl123 » Wed Jul 19, 2017 9:50 pm

The structure is unique and I haven't seen anything like it before. However, I think the writing in general needs improvement. I found it difficult to follow and understand exactly what you are talking about. For example, "That is why I had thrown it all in the large garbage can on our curb." What is "it all?" I realize you identify it later but when I read it I was asking myself what "it all" was.

Another example of where I think the writing could be improved: "Even as a nine-year-old, I understood. I understood that my parent’s drug addiction was harmful to everyone in our household, but most of all my one-year-old brother."

I would rather read something like this: "Even as a nine-year-old I understand that my parent's drug addiction was harmful to everyone in my household, most of all to my one-year-old brother."




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