Second stab at it. Thoughts appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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NavyNuke
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Second stab at it. Thoughts appreciated

Postby NavyNuke » Mon Jul 10, 2017 4:39 pm

Thanks UVA2B!
Last edited by NavyNuke on Mon Jul 10, 2017 10:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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UVA2B
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Re: Second stab at it. Thoughts appreciated

Postby UVA2B » Mon Jul 10, 2017 4:51 pm

This is good and a definite improvement over your first draft.

I still have one lingering question that could be important: beyond your service as a submariner, and your admiration and love for serving your country, what do you hope the ADCOM will learn about you other than an ability to write and tell an anecdote about your military service? This is a good PS, but in order to go from good to great, the PS should demonstrate something about your strengths while perhaps never directly stating it. What this PS is missing to me is a connection between your anecdote and some personal strength or quality that you want to show off to the ADCOM. I don't know how you want to weave that into the PS, but something that shows your leadership, drive, work ethic, intellect, empathy, compassion, etc. could take your PS across the finish line.

I don't know that you need to drastically overhaul this PS to get the desired effect, because this PS will likely be good enough for you to perform in line with your numbers and experience, but if you want to take the time to squeeze out a little more *pop*, what we write can always be a little bit better.

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NavyNuke
Posts: 116
Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2014 8:32 pm

Re: Second stab at it. Thoughts appreciated

Postby NavyNuke » Mon Jul 10, 2017 5:00 pm

UVA2B wrote:This is good and a definite improvement over your first draft.

I still have one lingering question that could be important: beyond your service as a submariner, and your admiration and love for serving your country, what do you hope the ADCOM will learn about you other than an ability to write and tell an anecdote about your military service? This is a good PS, but in order to go from good to great, the PS should demonstrate something about your strengths while perhaps never directly stating it. What this PS is missing to me is a connection between your anecdote and some personal strength or quality that you want to show off to the ADCOM. I don't know how you want to weave that into the PS, but something that shows your leadership, drive, work ethic, intellect, empathy, compassion, etc. could take your PS across the finish line.

I don't know that you need to drastically overhaul this PS to get the desired effect, because this PS will likely be good enough for you to perform in line with your numbers and experience, but if you want to take the time to squeeze out a little more *pop*, what we write can always be a little bit better.


Thanks a lot! I will incorporate your advice on my next draft.




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