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Posted: Sat Jul 08, 2017 3:05 am
by Nahapat

Re: My First Attempt at a PS. First Draft. Does this work?

Posted: Sat Jul 08, 2017 7:13 am
by cavalier1138
This doesn't work.

-Extremely pretentious language. Literally every other phrase sounds like you tried to jam as many smart-sounding words as you could think of into one space. And the real downside is that you don't always use the correct word in your effort to sound smart. Write in your own voice, not the voice of the "intellectual".

-Extremely pretentious topic. This doesn't resonate at all with me. It just sounds like you're trying to butter up the adcomms by talking about how wonderful the law is and how wonderful it would be for you to study it. I don't learn much about you.

-If you want to focus on your family, I think that would be a good starting point, but you need to actually tell us about your relationships. You start to delve into your grandfather cultivating your love of literature, and then you immediately segue into a completely superfluous paragraph about "The Law".

Overall, you've graduated college. That's a hell of an achievement. You don't need to convince other people that you "belong" in intellectual pursuits by using overly flowery prose to get your point across.