First Draft. Please Help.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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NavyNuke
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First Draft. Please Help.

Postby NavyNuke » Mon Jul 03, 2017 7:58 pm

Thanks for the help!
Last edited by NavyNuke on Thu Jul 06, 2017 5:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Deserving Porcupine
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Re: First Draft. Please Help.

Postby Deserving Porcupine » Mon Jul 03, 2017 8:05 pm

The last paragraph seems pretty solid, but the bulk of the essay is not about you, it's about a sub. It's not even a particularly eventful episode, just successful testing. Perhaps you can find some anecdote from your service where you are the main protagonist?

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UVA2B
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Re: First Draft. Please Help.

Postby UVA2B » Mon Jul 03, 2017 8:12 pm

I really enjoyed this PS up until the last sentence, which while not grammatically incorrect, just had too many clauses and meandered through your final thought. Everything about your statement to this point was eloquent and interesting, but I would consider either eliminating a few of the clauses in your concluding sentence or find a way to break it up.

Otherwise a really solid first effort that can be built upon.

This is the most minor of critiques, and probably entirely a preference thing, but I did wonder fleetingly whether you should be injected more into the early paragraphs as it's entirely about the crew going out to sea trials. If you could find a way to put yourself more into the beginning paragraphs and your experiences in going out to sea trials could possibly punch it up more than this ship, shipmate, self type of narrative. Did you mean the anecdote about the crew being invigorated about taking the sub out to sea as an analogy to your personal feelings in the moment? That could possibly get to someone, but I'm not really sure it's anything more than a preference thing.

Regardless, solid, solid first effort.

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NavyNuke
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Re: First Draft. Please Help.

Postby NavyNuke » Mon Jul 03, 2017 8:18 pm

UVA2B wrote:I really enjoyed this PS up until the last sentence, which while not grammatically incorrect, just had too many clauses and meandered through your final thought. Everything about your statement to this point was eloquent and interesting, but I would consider either eliminating a few of the clauses in your concluding sentence or find a way to break it up.

Otherwise a really solid first effort that can be built upon.

This is the most minor of critiques, and probably entirely a preference thing, but I did wonder fleetingly whether you should be injected more into the early paragraphs as it's entirely about the crew going out to sea trials. If you could find a way to put yourself more into the beginning paragraphs and your experiences in going out to sea trials could possibly punch it up more than this ship, shipmate, self type of narrative. Did you mean the anecdote about the crew being invigorated about taking the sub out to sea as an analogy to your personal feelings in the moment? That could possibly get to someone, but I'm not really sure it's anything more than a preference thing.

Regardless, solid, solid first effort.


Thanks! I'm not happy with the last sentence either. Having a hard time breaking it up. I hadn't thought about putting myself more into the beginning of the PS, but I think that is a really good idea. I will give it a shot.

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MediocreAtBest
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Re: First Draft. Please Help.

Postby MediocreAtBest » Mon Jul 03, 2017 11:12 pm

An issue I have with my PS that I kind of see in yours is that I describe an event I went through, but don't do much to describe myself or give a sense of who I am. Our personal statements aren't "personal" enough. Also - perhaps because I'm from the area - I thought you might have possibly been a shipyard employee who built the sub (i forgot your name had Navy in it lol). So I guess the main critique for me is that you aren't really selling yourself as well as you could be.

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zkyggi
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Re: First Draft. Please Help.

Postby zkyggi » Tue Jul 04, 2017 2:43 pm

I'm not really sure what I an supposed to take away from this draft. I don't leave it thinking one way or the other about whether you would make a good applicant or a bad one. You also begin quite a few sentences with "as" and "after" in the first couple paragraphs, which felt a bit like being in a pinball machine.

Tailor the essay more to yourself, and I think you can do really well. There is some vivid picture-painting here that will serve you well in later drafts.




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