Critique my PS please

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Anonymous User
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Critique my PS please

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Jun 30, 2017 9:09 pm

Edit: Back to the dungeon.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Jul 01, 2017 12:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.


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Re: Critique my PS please

Postby cavalier1138 » Sat Jul 01, 2017 7:17 am

I'm too lazy to go back and find your original draft, but I vaguely remember it being a more focused version of this topic. Some general thoughts:

-I don't understand why you added the paragraphs about getting an ID card and getting hit by a bad driver. They come from out of left field and make it difficult to follow the overarching narrative of the piece.

-This suffers a bit from using-words-that-sound-smart syndrome. You don't need to use phrases like "converging on my center mass". It robs moments of their visceral impact (seeing laser sights trained on your heart seems like it would be pretty damn terrifying, and your current phrasing makes it sound clinical). There are lots of other instances (platonic ideal, etc.). This is a personal statement, and even without knowing you, I know that this isn't your voice.

-Figure out your topic. It sounds like you want to focus on the law as a tool to give people in bad circumstances a much-needed second/third chance. Right now, that kind of comes through, but it's much less clear than I remember your initial statement being.

-If you're going to talk about your personal experiences with "the system", avoid veering into manifesto territory. I think you can drop the whole bike accident bit, but if you're going to include it, it shouldn't be a vague rehashing of the "threats" and "lies" (which a lawyer will probably identify as normal procedural hurdles).

-This is too long.

In general, this seems like a step back from what I remember of your first piece. You only have two pages, so don't try to tell five stories. Tell one story well.

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Re: Critique my PS please

Postby MediocreAtBest » Sat Jul 01, 2017 11:02 am

The version I read had better flow and consistency and described the swat raid and events that ensued a little more clearly. It felt like an edited version of this, and was damn near perfect.

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