PS First DRaft plez halp

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Anonymous User
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PS First DRaft plez halp

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Jun 26, 2017 7:40 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Jun 26, 2017 10:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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34iplaw
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Re: PS First DRaft plez halp

Postby 34iplaw » Mon Jun 26, 2017 7:51 pm

I think you need to be careful of a few things...

1) there are parts where it reads as, imo, you lacking empathy. This was around the 'not caring about students emotional appeals bit' then it got better but then it got worse.

2) there are parts where it reads as, imo, you having a bit of a napoleon/power complex.

I don't really hate the subject or even the Jim Carey bit, but I think you need to be careful of the two items above as they aren't positive. Again, take all this advice as someone no more versed in the process than you. This is just how it read to a total stranger who perhaps goes into it looking for fault more than others would.

Delete the word room from "room temperature" in your first sentence. It's redundant.

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mjb447
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Re: PS First DRaft plez halp

Postby mjb447 » Mon Jun 26, 2017 7:53 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Since I had first watched the movie Liar Liar with Jim Carrey,

This is a weird thing to say, particularly since it goes unexplained (and I don't think it's worth explaining).

A little overly and sometimes strangely embellished (you seriously wrote your verdict on parchment?), and it takes a little longer than I'd like to get where it's going, but I don't have a problem with the general theme. Obviously, it depends a bit on how the story comes out, which will tell us what you decided and, more importantly, how you got there/what it says about how you view the law and make decisions.

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MediocreAtBest
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Re: PS First DRaft plez halp

Postby MediocreAtBest » Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:20 pm

To echo what 34iplaw said, you definitely don't want to give a "high and mighty" vibe. If it were me, idk how comfortable I would be about going into detail about my judgements and whatnot. The people reading the PS would undoubtedly be a little more advanced than me in that sort of thing, and I wouldn't want to come off as amateurish. But that's just me.

I do want to read the rest of it, but I can't tell if you're going to totally screw this dude or show some mercy lol.

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cbbinnyc
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Re: PS First DRaft plez halp

Postby cbbinnyc » Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:30 pm

I'm going to go a bit further than previous posters - IMO, this is not a good topic for a personal statement. As it is, you come off pretty poorly. I assume you were on this committee as a student? If so, the way that you describe your attitude towards your peers is not favorable: you sound condescending and vindictive (not saying you are, but that is the impression this statement gives). Maybe you could re-focus the narrative to change that, but, even if you did, I'm not convinced that this topic is going to give you a great opportunity to showcase yourself.

As previous posters addressed, there are some more mechanical problems with the writing, but I think you need to address big picture issues before worrying about that.

Anonymous User
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Re: PS First DRaft plez halp

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Jun 26, 2017 10:20 pm

will finish the story and post tomorrow

lucretius_
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Re: PS First DRaft plez halp

Postby lucretius_ » Mon Jun 26, 2017 10:32 pm

So, you present details about his testimony and how they may be emotionally compelling, but what about his testimony affected you? If I understood the introduction correctly, you found him guilty. If that's true, then you chose to honor the rules over his emotional appeal. Why?

As this statement stands, your main motivations are the movie 'Liar Liar' and pride. That may be why you're getting some flak from a few posters. There is significant detail concerning the student's testimony, but what little focus you give to your perspective does little to describe your thought process outside of "I was proud to uphold the rules." Justice is a virtue. Pride is a vice.

Ultimately, what is missing here is a description of your internal conflict with this decision. Maybe that will be included in the forthcoming paragraphs.

Here are some quotes that I want to highlight:

"I found myself especially invested in the case."

"Yet, my eyes widened as the student from Pakistan entered the room."

"The student looked at me in the eyes as if I was a figure out of his nightmares. It was an unsettling feeling that caught me off guard."

"I finally understood the look of dread that consumed the appearance of the student when I first encountered him."

Each of these quotes, besides maybe the last one, are presented from your perspective but are devoid of both analysis and introspection. Provide me with your perspective outside of the cold facts of the case so that I learn about what happens between your ears and not just what happens in front of your eyes. Remember, this is a story about you. What inspires you? Why does the rule of law take precedence over this poor man's compelling story? Answer those questions. Take the focus off of the sob story and explain your incorruptible desire to dole out judgment.




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