Edited Personal statement...thoughts?

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Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Edited Personal statement...thoughts?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jun 22, 2017 10:05 pm

PS DELETED FOR EDIT. WILL REPOST SOON
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Jun 22, 2017 10:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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A. Nony Mouse
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Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2012 11:51 am

Re: Edited Personal statement...thoughts?

Postby A. Nony Mouse » Thu Jun 22, 2017 10:15 pm

So, to the extent this is about you now, rather than Nick (which I'm not really convinced it is), it's essentially telling a story of failure. You felt like your friend needed help, but didn't do anything. That's probably not the impression you want to give. It's especially so because it's not clear why the reader should believe that you wouldn't hang up now. Were there any consequences to not calling? did anything bad happen that led you to realize that maybe getting pulled from school is a way less big deal than, say, dying of an overdose? Basically this says, "I had this friend who did drugs, I didn't like what it was doing to his life, I tried calling a hotline once and chickened out, then he moved away and I have no idea what happened to him but I swear I won't chicken out now."

Anonymous User
Posts: 301352
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Edited Personal statement...thoughts?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jun 22, 2017 10:50 pm

A. Nony Mouse wrote:So, to the extent this is about you now, rather than Nick (which I'm not really convinced it is), it's essentially telling a story of failure. You felt like your friend needed help, but didn't do anything. That's probably not the impression you want to give. It's especially so because it's not clear why the reader should believe that you wouldn't hang up now. Were there any consequences to not calling? did anything bad happen that led you to realize that maybe getting pulled from school is a way less big deal than, say, dying of an overdose? Basically this says, "I had this friend who did drugs, I didn't like what it was doing to his life, I tried calling a hotline once and chickened out, then he moved away and I have no idea what happened to him but I swear I won't chicken out now."


ya there was a resolution to all this but I couldn't type it because of length requirements (some schools ask for max 2 pages). I could add it in to bring a resolution, however I havent decided what parts to take out because of character development etc. I will probably edit out some parts to make room for the resolution.




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