Law School PS First Draft, any advice and constructive criticism greatly appreciated!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
sixersfan91

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Law School PS First Draft, any advice and constructive criticism greatly appreciated!

Postby sixersfan91 » Sat Jun 17, 2017 8:14 pm

I delted this
Last edited by sixersfan91 on Sat Dec 02, 2017 5:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cavalier1138

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Re: Law School PS First Draft, any advice and constructive criticism greatly appreciated!

Postby cavalier1138 » Sun Jun 18, 2017 5:52 am

I feel like this should be a really good PS, but it just doesn't work for me at all. The topic seems like it should work, but your writing seems very aloof for a personal experience. A few specifics:

1. It's waaaaayyyyyyy too long. Many schools cap you at two pages double-spaced, and even when it's not stated, that's kind of the informal limit. That's about half this length. I think this can probably be addressed most easily by focusing on a single story rather than trying to cram your entire life into an essay.

2. One area you can immediately cut is the life story bits about how you used to be a bad student and got good, got a job, etc. Your resume already tells the reader enough about your grades and job experience. And the "I used to party hard, but then I wised up" narrative doesn't take as much time to relate as you spend on it.

3. Don't talk about wanting to commit suicide. Or if you do, don't talk about it at such length. I can empathize, but you don't want to be perceived as writing an essay that's promoting the idea of killing yourself (which is what I get in the first two paragraphs).

4. I can't put my finger on exactly why this is, but the whole tone comes off as really arrogant. Something about phrases like "insatiable thirst for knowledge" and "burly hulking man" just sound like pure ego talking. Your job in this essay is to sell yourself without appearing to do so, and right now, chunks of it read like a sales pitch.

5. Speaking of sales pitch, I'm not sold on the "why law" portion. You don't need to include it, but if you do, it should sound better than what you currently have. With this draft, it sounds like you're interested in law school because you were sick (incidentally, name the disease if it's going to be central to your essay). And as a really nitpicky note: I wouldn't refer to Kenya as a society "without much in the way of governance or rules", especially considering some of the neighboring states.

6. Grammar, grammar, grammar. There are a lot of grammatical issues in this one. In particular, be careful with your use of commas. The most glaring errors in here are when you don't use commas to set off phrases and when you do use commas in place of a period or semicolon.

Above all, tell the reader a story. Your current narrative is all over the place. If you want to use your illness as a jumping-off point, then do that. But you need to have a much clearer, crisper style to make that work.



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