Personal Statement Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 284005
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Personal Statement Draft

Postby Anonymous User » Mon May 15, 2017 2:43 pm

Thank you all for the feedback. I will rework it.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon May 15, 2017 5:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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lymenheimer
Posts: 3926
Joined: Sat Jul 04, 2015 1:54 am

Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby lymenheimer » Mon May 15, 2017 3:08 pm

There is way too much passive voice.

cavalier1138
Posts: 3003
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2016 8:01 pm

Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby cavalier1138 » Mon May 15, 2017 3:49 pm

This is scattered. I think you could probably do the whole thing about the bike race and connecting it to your academic struggles. I found that part much more engaging than the rest of it.

In general, avoid rehashing your resume. We don't have it here, but the adcomms will be able to see all the accomplishments you list, and there's very little point in restating those achievements in the PS. Focus, make it personal, and don't worry about trying to sum up your entire life in a few paragraphs.

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NotAGolfer
Posts: 493
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2016 1:50 pm

Re: Personal Statement Draft

Postby NotAGolfer » Mon May 15, 2017 4:00 pm

At a minimum, I would take out the paragraph talking about your high school accomplishments. I don't think it adds value and isn't written very well. If you want to talk about your home life during high school in a DS, I think that would be more appropriate. I agree with cavalier that you need a more focused topic/storyline.




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