Engineers PS Pt 2- Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anabil
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2016 11:32 pm

Engineers PS Pt 2- Critique

Postby Anabil » Thu Feb 09, 2017 9:55 pm

.

Thomas Jefferson, here I come.
Last edited by Anabil on Tue Feb 14, 2017 11:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

DrGlennRichie
Posts: 142
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:22 pm

Re: Engineers PS Pt 2- Critique

Postby DrGlennRichie » Sun Feb 12, 2017 4:38 pm

Too many "I", too much bragging. 3

Anabil
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2016 11:32 pm

Re: Engineers PS Pt 2- Critique

Postby Anabil » Sun Feb 12, 2017 4:59 pm

DrGlennRichie wrote:Too many "I", too much bragging. 3


Got it. I can restructure the sentences to include less I's.
Now with regards to bragging, is it the fact that I said I was promoted? Or something else in nature?

Finally, is the subject matter any good?

DrGlennRichie
Posts: 142
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:22 pm

Re: Engineers PS Pt 2- Critique

Postby DrGlennRichie » Sun Feb 12, 2017 5:35 pm

Anabil wrote:
DrGlennRichie wrote:Too many "I", too much bragging. 3


Got it. I can restructure the sentences to include less I's.
Now with regards to bragging, is it the fact that I said I was promoted? Or something else in nature?

Finally, is the subject matter any good?



It kinda started with " I knew I had a daunting task ahead of me but the kid from West XXXXX that paid the bills at home while in high school and college wasn’t a stranger to challenges."


Subject matter is OK but I am so confused about what are you trying to convey

Anabil
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2016 11:32 pm

Re: Engineers PS Pt 2- Critique

Postby Anabil » Sun Feb 12, 2017 5:43 pm

DrGlennRichie wrote:
Anabil wrote:
DrGlennRichie wrote:Too many "I", too much bragging. 3


Got it. I can restructure the sentences to include less I's.
Now with regards to bragging, is it the fact that I said I was promoted? Or something else in nature?

Finally, is the subject matter any good?



It kinda started with " I knew I had a daunting task ahead of me but the kid from West XXXXX that paid the bills at home while in high school and college wasn’t a stranger to challenges."


Subject matter is OK but I am so confused about what are you trying to convey



I see what you mean. I was trying to touch on adversity without going into detail with that statement.

I'm trying to convey leadership, adaptability, being able to effectively persuade an audience, and finally being able to focus on details without forgetting the main objective. Mostly leadership.

DrGlennRichie
Posts: 142
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:22 pm

Re: Engineers PS Pt 2- Critique

Postby DrGlennRichie » Sun Feb 12, 2017 5:49 pm

Anabil wrote:I see what you mean. I was trying to touch on adversity without going into detail with that statement.

I'm trying to convey leadership, adaptability, being able to effectively persuade an audience, and finally being able to focus on details without forgetting the main objective. Mostly leadership.


It just didnt come out right.




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