if someone can please help my final revision (personal statement)

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eddie1893
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:10 am

if someone can please help my final revision (personal statement)

Postby eddie1893 » Sat Feb 04, 2017 2:29 am

Hey guys if someone can please give me their opinion of my personal statement. I feel like i might of wrote too much so if i can get any advice on what isn't necessary so i can cut off i would really appreciate it or if i should just leave it how it is.

thank you

Personal statement essay

When I was five years old, I accompanied my mother to the immigration office for her citizenship hearing. After months of preparation, she finally had the opportunity to present her paperwork and complete the naturalization process. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the office, I realized that this goal was not a sure thing. The family before us left the building in tears. And I worried: would we suffer the same fate? An hour later, I had my answer. My mother did her best to hide her emotions as we left the office. However, her tears were impossible to ignore. When we arrived home, she assured me: “All of the sacrifices your father and I are making will be worth it one day. We will give you and your sister a better life.”

As I matured, I realized that my family’s experience with the immigration process was far from unique. Across the US, millions of people struggle to obtain their citizenship and build a successful future in America. My family’s journey was particularly difficult because my older sister was still in Peru. Without the proper paperwork, she could not obtain a visa and join our family in the US. Even worse, the original attorney my parents hired was not as organized and efficient as he needed to be. As a result, we endured a prolonged separation that nearly broke my parents’ hearts.

At age five, there was little I could do help the situation or ease my family’s pain. Nevertheless, I made a solemn promise for the future: that I would use my skills to prevent other people from suffering similar injustices. In high school, I translated immigration documents for friends and colleagues who were not proficient in English. I also spent hours researching the law, to understand their rights and obligations. Whenever possible, I also helped disabled students with their exercises and homework assignments. By doing so, I developed my strengths as a teacher, mentor, and communicator. More importantly, I discovered the joy of helping vulnerable people live stronger and happier lives.

To prepare for a legal career, I completed my Associate degree in Criminal Justice at Ocean County College while working a full-time job. These responsibilities were daunting; however, they taught me how to work hard, manage my time, and set clear priorities. During my time at Ocean County College, I began to take advanced courses at Kean University, to explore my passion for Criminal Justice and to accelerate the completion of my Bachelor’s degree. I was particularly intrigued by my classes in research method and proof of verification, which taught me how criminal cases are built, prosecuted, and defended. Further, by completing assignments for these classes, I became a strong writer who can present complex information clearly and persuasively.
To broaden my perspective of the legal profession, I joined several organizations at Kean University, including the Pre-law Society, the Criminal Justice Club, and the International Student Association. I also built strong relationships with my professors and asked them for help when I needed it. By working 70 hours per week during the summer, I saved enough money to focus exclusively on my education during the school year. This simple step yielded impressive results; I raised my GPA to a 3.5, was named to the Dean’s List, and completed my Bachelor’s degree with honors. More importantly, I confirmed my ability to handle the rigorous intellectual challenges that law school will present.

In my free time, I continue to help people who need assistance with immigration problems, which has confirmed my desire to specialize in this field. Far too often, families struggle to complete this process, due to financial, linguistic, and cultural barriers that are difficult to overcome. Further, they do not know how to choose an attorney who is competent, well organized, and able to represent them with integrity and compassion. In the past few years, I have worked tirelessly to develop the skills I will need to assume these responsibilities. By excelling in school, I have learned how to think logically, analyze complex documents quickly and accurately, and present my conclusions in a concise way. By becoming fluent in Spanish, I have learned how to communicate with people who cannot speak English – and to serve as a translator on their behalf. Finally, by helping developmentally challenged students and working in customer service, I have learned how to build strong relationships based on trust, respect, and mutual understanding. These strengths, which cannot be taught in a classroom, will allow me to represent the needs of a diverse group of clients.

As I prepare for law school, I remember my family’s struggle to become US citizens and build a better life in our new country. I attribute our success to a single person: the skilled and compassionate attorney who assumed our case after a prolonged delay and guided my parents through every step of this process. Eventually, I hope to make a comparable impact on my own clients’ lives. By completing my Juris Doctorate at Name of School, I can achieve this goal and fulfill the promise I made when I was five years old; to “pay forward” the blessings that my parents’ sacrifices afforded me.

The path ahead will undoubtedly be difficult. However, I am confident that I possess the focus, maturity, and perseverance that I will need to overcome every challenge I encounter. In difficult times, I will use the strength that my parents instilled in me to protect the rights of vulnerable people. Ideally, I can also do my part to create a stronger and more inclusive society in which every voice is valued and heard.

pyramidenergy888
Posts: 60
Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2017 8:44 pm

Re: if someone can please help my final revision (personal statement)

Postby pyramidenergy888 » Sun Feb 05, 2017 2:03 pm

This statement is much, much better than the last draft! Congratulations! The writing is better. The sentences flow more smoothly and I couldn't find any errors on one reading (although you should still proofread it before submitting).

Yes, I think it's too long. The bit in the middle where you talk about college becomes a bit of a list... I would try to make that section as short as possible. It's necessary to show your accomplishments in college but it gets really dry really fast... challenge yourself to see just how short you can make that section.

Great job on the new draft!

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180pedia
Posts: 63
Joined: Wed Jan 18, 2017 10:08 pm

Re: if someone can please help my final revision (personal statement)

Postby 180pedia » Mon Feb 06, 2017 2:10 am

Top level comment... you use the following structure a lot... Prepositional phrase, sentence. Good overall IMO and most of my points are closer to pedantry than anything... so just keep that in mind... I'm being super nitpicky... I do think you could have some reorganization but I sort of was reading line by line so I missed the forest for the trees on this read through.

When I was five years old, I accompanied my mother to the immigration office for her citizenship hearing. After months of preparation, she finally had the opportunity to present her paperwork and complete the naturalization process. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the office, I realized that this goal was not a sure thing.

>I prefer something stronger than goal... dream... I don't know. I don't like the word "goal" for completing the naturalization process... I've never gone through it, but it sounds like it would be something that is a bigger deal than a mere "goal" IMO.

The family before us left the building in tears. And I worried: would we suffer the same fate?

>I don't care for the way the and I worried is structured... it's weird IMO. I think this would be better: "I worried/questioned/etc. whether we would suffer the same fate." It could also be that I really dislike starting sentences with conjunctions so this stood out to me even more.

An hour later, I had my answer. My mother did her best to hide her emotions as we left the office. However, her tears were impossible to ignore.

>I think ... left the office, but her tears were impossible to ignore ... reads better. I would also consider thinking of rewording the concept... tears impossible to ignore sounds cliche to me (I'm not sure that it is... but it sounds a bit generic)

When we arrived home, she assured me: “All of the sacrifices your father and I are making will be worth it one day. We will give you and your sister a better life.”

>comma instead of colon after me IMO... I could be wrong here though... I rarely write with inline quotes any more, so I'm not sure what the most accepted punctuation is these days.

As I matured, I realized that my family’s experience with the immigration process was far from unique. Across the US, millions of people struggle to obtain their citizenship and build a successful future in America.

>Both good and important sentences to have.

My family’s journey was particularly difficult because my older sister was still in Peru. Without the proper paperwork, she could not obtain a visa and join our family in the US. Even worse, the original attorney my parents hired was not as organized and efficient as he needed to be. As a result, we endured a prolonged separation that nearly broke my parents’ hearts.

At age five, there was little I could do help the situation or ease my family’s pain. Nevertheless, I made a solemn promise for the future: that I would use my skills to prevent other people from suffering similar injustices.

>I don't know whether you need "that" before I would.

In high school, I translated immigration documents for friends and colleagues who were not proficient in English. I also spent hours researching the law, to understand their rights and obligations.

>get rid of comma after law.

Whenever possible, I also helped disabled students with their exercises and homework assignments.

>get rid of whenever possible IMO. It helps vary the sentence structure a little and there's no real need to qualify this.

By doing so, I developed my strengths as a teacher, mentor, and communicator. More importantly, I discovered the joy of helping vulnerable people live stronger and happier lives.

>I don't care for 'by doing so'... Through helping my friends and colleagues with documents and disabled students with their homework, .............

To prepare for a legal career, I completed my Associate degree in Criminal Justice at Ocean County College while working a full-time job. These responsibilities were daunting; however, they taught me how to work hard, manage my time, and set clear priorities. During my time at Ocean County College, I began to take advanced courses at Kean University, to explore my passion for Criminal Justice and to accelerate the completion of my Bachelor’s degree. I was particularly intrigued by my classes in research method and proof of verification, which taught me how criminal cases are built, prosecuted, and defended. Further, by completing assignments for these classes, I became a strong writer who can present complex information clearly and persuasively.

>strong is kind of a blegh adjective...I also don't really care for 'by completing assignments for these classes'

To broaden my perspective of the legal profession, I joined several organizations at Kean University, including the Pre-law Society, the Criminal Justice Club, and the International Student Association. I also built strong relationships with my professors and asked them for help when I needed it.

>you used strong twice in a relatively short amount of text... same comment as above applies... but definitely avoid using same adjectives more than once especially so close... I like the concept of asking professors for help when you needed it... it reveals that you are willing to seek help and admit shortcomings (good quality)

By working 70 hours per week during the summer, I saved enough money to focus exclusively on my education during the school year. This simple step yielded impressive results; I raised my GPA to a 3.5, was named to the Dean’s List, and completed my Bachelor’s degree with honors. More importantly, I confirmed my ability to handle the rigorous intellectual challenges that law school will present.

In my free time, I continue to help people who need assistance with immigration problems, which has confirmed my desire to specialize in this field. Far too often, families struggle to complete this process, due to financial, linguistic, and cultural barriers that are difficult to overcome. Further, they do not know how to choose an attorney who is competent, well organized, and able to represent them with integrity and compassion. In the past few years, I have worked tirelessly to develop the skills I will need to assume these responsibilities. By excelling in school, I have learned how to think logically, analyze complex documents quickly and accurately, and present my conclusions in a concise way. By becoming fluent in Spanish, I have learned how to communicate with people who cannot speak English – and to serve as a translator on their behalf. Finally, by helping developmentally challenged students and working in customer service, I have learned how to build strong relationships based on trust, respect, and mutual understanding. These strengths, which cannot be taught in a classroom, will allow me to represent the needs of a diverse group of clients.

>I think this paragraph may need to be reworked into other parts of the statement... it sort of caught me off guard since it sort of circles back to another statement... but let me revisit this tomorrow after reading the statement with fresh eyes while not focusing on being nitpicky

As I prepare for law school, I remember my family’s struggle to become US citizens and build a better life in our new country. I attribute our success to a single person: the skilled and compassionate attorney who assumed our case after a prolonged delay and guided my parents through every step of this process.

>I may be tired, but I don't think you ever mention how the original attorney was replaced or why... I think it may help to have a line that briefly addresses this... but I think this can be accomplished by reworking some of the statement's order.

Eventually, I hope to make a comparable impact on my own clients’ lives. By completing my Juris Doctorate at Name of School, I can achieve this goal and fulfill the promise I made when I was five years old; to “pay forward” the blessings that my parents’ sacrifices afforded me.

>I had this mistake in my essay. There's no such thing as a Juris Doctorate... JD stands for Juris Doctor... https://www.law.umich.edu/connection/a2 ... aspx?ID=63 ... I also think it shouldn't be capitalized so this should be... 'By completing my juris doctor degree at Name of School, ....' Also, I wouldn't use "pay forward" in quotes... it's fairly cliche and the quotes just draw further attention to that.

The path ahead will undoubtedly be difficult. However, I am confident that I possess the focus, maturity, and perseverance that I will need to overcome every challenge I encounter. In difficult times, I will use the strength that my parents instilled in me to protect the rights of vulnerable people. Ideally, I can also do my part to create a stronger and more inclusive society in which every voice is valued and heard.

>pick one ending sentence / concluding thought...I would prefer something like this...

"I am confident that I possess the focus, maturity, and perseverance that I will need to overcome every challenge I encounter, and, in difficult times, I will rely on the lessons that my parents instilled in me and memories of that passionate and energetic attorney to protect the rights of vulnerable people."

darthlawyer
Posts: 98
Joined: Wed Sep 02, 2015 10:38 am

Re: if someone can please help my final revision (personal statement)

Postby darthlawyer » Mon Feb 06, 2017 5:02 am

thats a lotta commas




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