personal statement 2nd draft revised please look over

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eddie1893
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:10 am

personal statement 2nd draft revised please look over

Postby eddie1893 » Tue Jan 31, 2017 7:35 pm

if anyone can please help me out with my essay or give me advice on any editing service i would really appreciate it. thank you


To this day I remember when I was five years old holding my mother’s hand walking down a hallway with flickering bright lights towards a row of cold hard chairs. I could sense the grief and tension from the other family who sat next to me and patiently waiting for their turn to be called up to talk to the man behind the window glass under the big bold sign that said “Immigration”. The tears and sadness after they were done talking to the man is what terrified me the most. I did not want my mother to go up there but she stood up and bravely began to walk toward the window as her number was called. When she returned, I could see the tears in her eyes of rejection as she tried so hard to hide her emotions and acted as if she was happy to see me. She whispered, “All the sacrifices and struggles from your father and I is to give a better life for you and your sister. It will be worth it one day, my son.”

I was born here as the first generation in the United States of my family. My parents and my older sister migrated here to the United States thousands of miles away from Peru in South America, in hope of a better future with new open doors and opportunities. My past childhood has opened my eyes to the injustice of the law and how cruel it can be by rejecting families in being with each other. I have witnessed friends and families suffering, wishing they could be together with their loved ones after being separated. The first thing that would always come up in my mind was wishing for me to be able to do something to help them. I felt powerless. At that time the desire of learning about the legal system was planted and began to slowly grow.

By the time I was in high school I found myself volunteering for my friends and coworkers whenever they needed help with translating with any kind of misunderstanding with legal issues. The subject of the law fascinated me and I would spend countless hours at the library or on my computer trying to learn what the legal system is all about. In high school, I took the pleasure of volunteering to assist in the Autism Spectrum program with special needs students. I have always enjoyed helping others and it has brought fulfillment knowing that I have done something for someone that they were not able to do themselves. In both school and my work environment I have learned so much about discipline, dedication, and determination.

It was a great satisfaction to graduate Ocean County College with an Associate in Science in Criminal Justice. I was a full-time student and worked full time as well to be able to help around the house and live somewhat independently. During my time at Ocean County College, I began taking advance courses early at Kean University to be more ahead in the program and learn more about the true aspect in Criminal Justice. A year later from receiving my Associates, I will be graduating from Kean University this upcoming May to receive my Bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice.

College has shaped me to be the person who I am today learning new skills and abilities that I will be using for my career one day. I have always kept a strong relationship with my professors. I would visit my professors during office hours to look over my work throughout the semester to evaluate on how each time I could do better. My junior year at Kean University I had enough credits to enroll into a more advance class with seniors learning about the method of research and writing. I encountered a few rough patches in college due to my commitments outside the classroom, working from 30 to 40 hours a week, I was capable on focusing on my studies and dramatically improved my grades overall to be on Dean’s list and graduate with honors.

My life’s experiences have undoubtedly shaped me into a compassionate person who I will continue to strive for excellence and achieve many goals in my career. I am proud of my culture that made me become fluently in two languages and this has given me the ability to communicate with others of the growing Hispanic population. In law school, I seek new challenges where I can use my skills that I have learned from college and my diverse work experience. I am mentally prepared and confidence that I will succeed as a student and be a valuable addition to (School’s name) Law program. I will bring maturity, determination, and compassion to both the classroom and the profession. The (school program) will be a perfect environment to apply these past experiences and pursue my legal studies. A Juris Doctor degree from (school name) School of law would give me the opportunity to make an impact on others and provide those with a voice who cannot defend themselves in the legal system. My parents struggled to give my sister and I a better life now it will be my turn to give a better life to others when the opportunity emerge. Thank you for your consideration of my application and I look forward to discussing my application more fully in the near future.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: personal statement 2nd draft revised please look over

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:40 pm

This is much better than your last draft.

An edit of this version of your PS should be helpful in showing you how to express your thoughts in a more efficient and more effective manner.

Unfortunately, I have several motions & a brief due this week so I cannot devote adequate time to this project. This is a much improved version that demonstrates that you are determined and capable of achieving your goal.

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sethnoorzad
Posts: 96
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2016 5:28 pm

Re: personal statement 2nd draft revised please look over

Postby sethnoorzad » Wed Feb 01, 2017 8:06 pm

Nice job. I think this version is a little better than the last one. That is great. That's all you can ask for is to make small improvements over one revision. Over multiple revisions, you refine your work until finally you have something great.

In this version it seems like you worked on some of the problem sentences and they are a little clearer now. The flow of the whole statement is nicer.

I think there is a huge amount of improvement that could be had by going through this with a writing tutor. Many of your sentences are nice but could be made a lot better with just small improvements. I can't go through the whole thing, but I'll give you an example.

She whispered, “All the sacrifices and struggles from your father and I is to give a better life for you and your sister. It will be worth it one day, my son.”

Here's an alternative version: She whispered in my ear "all the struggles your father and I endure and the sacrifices we make are to give you and your sister the opportunity to have a better life. It will be worth it one day, my son."

I was born here as the first generation in the United States of my family.

Alternate version: "I represent the first generation of my family to be born in the US. My parents and my older sister migrated here..."

You don't have to phrase it exactly as I did but that gives you an idea.

With a lot of your sentences, I can see exactly what you mean but the actual phrasing of the sentence needs to be refined. You have all the thoughts there but you need to formulate them a little more clearly. I think a writing tutor would really help with that.

I like your addition of the work with people with developmental disabilities, just as a side note.

GL




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