Thoughts on my personal statement ? please help any recommendations i should add or change , nervous

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
eddie1893
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Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:10 am

Thoughts on my personal statement ? please help any recommendations i should add or change , nervous

Postby eddie1893 » Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:13 am

To this day I remember when I was 5 years old holding my mother’s hand walking down a hallway with flickering bright lights towards a row of cold hard chairs. I could sense the grief and tension from the other family who sat next to me and patiently waiting for their turn to be called up to talk to the man behind the window glass under the big bold sign that said “Immigration”. The tears and sadness after they were done talking to the man is what terrified me the most. I did not want my mother to go up there but she stood up and bravely began to walk toward the window as her number was called. When she returned, I could see the tears in her eyes as she tried so hard to hide her emotions and acted as if she was happy to see me. She whispered, “All the sacrifices and struggles from your father and I is to give a better life for you and your sister. It will be worth it one day, my son.”
My parents and my older sister migrated here to the U.S thousands of miles away from Peru in South America in hope of a better future with new open doors and opportunities. I was born here as the first generation in the United States of my family. My past childhood has opened my eyes to the injustice of the law and how cruel it can be to certain families. I have witnessed friends and families suffering, wishing they could be together with their loved ones after being separated. The first thing that would always come up in my mind was wishing for me to be able to do something to help them. I felt useless. At that time the desire of learning about the legal system was planted and began to slowly grow.

By the time I was in high school I found myself volunteering for my friends and coworkers whenever they needed help with translating with any kind of misunderstanding with our laws. The subject of the law fascinates me and I would spend countless hours at the library or on my computer at home trying to learn what the legal system is all about. I can say that I have always enjoyed helping others and it has always brought great satisfaction to my personal needs knowing that I have done something for someone that they were not able to do themselves. In high school, I took the pleasure of volunteering with my wrestling coach with the school program with disability students to help with their needs. I have great desire on taking new challenges to reach over my limits to show and prove to myself that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. In both school and my work environment I have learned so much about discipline, dedication, and determination.

Fast forward a couple years later after high school, I graduated Ocean County College with an Associate in Science in Criminal Justice. It was a great satisfaction knowing that I accomplished my goal at this school. I was a full-time student and worked full time to be able to help around the house and to have money on my own. During my time at Ocean County College, I began taking advance courses early at Kean University to be more ahead in the program and learn more about the true aspect in Criminal Justice. A year later from receiving my Associates, I will also be graduating from Kean University this May to receive my Bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice.

College has shaped me to be the person who I am today learning new skills and abilities that I will be using for my career one day. I have always kept a strong relationship with my professors. I would visit my professors occasionally during office hours to look over my work throughout the semester to evaluate on how each time I could do better. My junior year at Kean University I had enough credits to enroll into a more advance class with seniors learning about the method of research and writing. During Kean, I would spend every summer working about 70 hours a week to save money for my expenses for the year and not having to worry about working as much during my school. I could focus on my studies and dramatically improved my grades overall to be on Dean’s list and graduate with honors.

My life’s experiences have undoubtedly shaped me into a compassionate person who I will continue to strive for excellence and achieve many goals in my career. I am proud of my culture that has given me the ability to use it as an advantage to communicate with others of the Hispanic background. I seek for new challenges and goals to accomplish where I can use my skills that I have learned from earning my Bachelor’s degree in Criminal justice and my diverse work experience. My achievements as an undergraduate student has given me confidence that going to Law school is a good match for me and that I will succeed and thrive as a student at XXX University. I will bring maturity, determination, and compassion to both the classroom and the profession. A Juris Doctor degree from (school name) School of law would give me the opportunity to make an impact on others and provide those with a voice who cannot defend themselves in the legal system. Both my parents struggled to give my sister and I a better life now it will be my turn to give a better life to others when my opportunity is given.

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sethnoorzad
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Re: Thoughts on my personal statement ? please help any recommendations i should add or change , nervous

Postby sethnoorzad » Mon Jan 30, 2017 3:59 pm

Well.. if you are nervous about your personal statement.... then what do YOU think about it? Do you think it's great? ... sounds like you are looking for some outside validation because you are having a lot of thoughts about it. I think you should be honest with yourself about how much YOU like your statement and what you think needs to be done. People can give you comments but in the end you have to make the evaluation about your own statement.

Anyway, in my opinion, your statement is good. Great job. I think that there is an uncomplicated factor about your statement that makes it easy to read, not too presumptuous, gets the point across... That's great. I like your introduction. Your story with your mother in the immigration office is very relatable.

I also think that, if you wanted to, you could improve this statement. How much you improve it is up to you. But from my perspective it's only like 70% of the way there.

You have a lot of sentences that could be rewritten. For example "I am proud of my culture that has given me the ability to use it as an advantage to communicate with others of the Hispanic background." I don't know. Now that I read it again it makes sense but it still seems awkward. I totally get your point but I think that it could be improved somehow.

"My achievements as an undergraduate student has given me confidence that going to Law school is a good match for me and that I will succeed and thrive as a student at XXX University." --- This seems to be the main thrust of your argument that law school is a natural next step for you. I think it's kind of bland. Paraphrased, it just sounds like "I did well as an undergraduate so I will do well and succeed in law school". This is simple, and that's great. Not saying you have to completely change it. However, I think you should make your point a little more nuanced.

You spend a lot of time going over how hard you worked in undergrad. Again, pretty bland and I think you can do better. I think what you have is a great place to start... it just needs to be a little more personal and reflective. How are you a changed person after succeeding in undergrad? You talk a lot about compassion without going too much in depth. What is it about being a compassionate person that you find so rewarding?

I think this is a great draft... and you are a few revisions away from a polished statement. How many revisions is up to you and how much work you want to put in. Also, more than the hours and sheer effort you put into your statement is the quality and depth of your reflection on your experiences that you want to write about. It's about pondering the message you want to convey, not just putting in hours in front of the computer.

GL!

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bwaldorf
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Re: Thoughts on my personal statement ? please help any recommendations i should add or change , nervous

Postby bwaldorf » Mon Jan 30, 2017 4:10 pm

sethnoorzad wrote:"My achievements as an undergraduate student has given me confidence that going to Law school is a good match for me and that I will succeed and thrive as a student at XXX University." --- This seems to be the main thrust of your argument that law school is a natural next step for you. I think it's kind of bland. Paraphrased, it just sounds like "I did well as an undergraduate so I will do well and succeed in law school". This is simple, and that's great. Not saying you have to completely change it. However, I think you should make your point a little more nuanced.

You spend a lot of time going over how hard you worked in undergrad. Again, pretty bland and I think you can do better. I think what you have is a great place to start... it just needs to be a little more personal and reflective. How are you a changed person after succeeding in undergrad? You talk a lot about compassion without going too much in depth. What is it about being a compassionate person that you find so rewarding?



I agree. The content is alright, but could definitely be less repetitive and more personal.

Also, is English your first language? While the content of your personal statement is good, the writing is pretty subpar. You have a lot of awkward sentences and phrasing along with some grammatical errors. I would definitely have someone go over your personal statement with you to help with sentence structure, rephrasing, etc.

eddie1893
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:10 am

Re: Thoughts on my personal statement ? please help any recommendations i should add or change , nervous

Postby eddie1893 » Tue Jan 31, 2017 5:13 pm

Thank you both i really appreciate your advice ! No english is not my first language, spanish is. This is why a few of my sentences seem awkward and needs help rephrasing. I just recently purchased an editing service and also have a few of my professor helping me out as well.

Thank you both for pointing out my mistakes once again! have a good day

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Thoughts on my personal statement ? please help any recommendations i should add or change , nervous

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Jan 31, 2017 5:27 pm

This is not well written for one applying to law school. This is troubling especially since you write that you were born in the United States.
You lose credibility when you lump all Hispanics together as if there is a common culture. Did you attend elementary school and high school in the US ? Has someone edited your first paragraph ? It is better written than the rest of your personal statement.

My overall impression of your law school PS can be stated in one word: awkward. Your writing style might make readers uncomfortable and bored. The insights offered are somewhat superficial and repetitive.

Have you taken the LSAT ?

eddie1893
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:10 am

Re: Thoughts on my personal statement ? please help any recommendations i should add or change , nervous

Postby eddie1893 » Tue Jan 31, 2017 7:17 pm

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Last edited by eddie1893 on Tue Jan 31, 2017 7:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

eddie1893
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:10 am

Re: Thoughts on my personal statement ? please help any recommendations i should add or change , nervous

Postby eddie1893 » Tue Jan 31, 2017 7:20 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:This is not well written for one applying to law school. This is troubling especially since you write that you were born in the United States.
You lose credibility when you lump all Hispanics together as if there is a common culture. Did you attend elementary school and high school in the US ? Has someone edited your first paragraph ? It is better written than the rest of your personal statement.

My overall impression of your law school PS can be stated in one word: awkward. Your writing style might make readers uncomfortable and bored. The insights offered are somewhat superficial and repetitive.

Have you taken the LSAT ?



canadian wolf:

thank you for your respond, yes i did attend elementary school and high school in the US. I have always had trouble with grammar and structure of my sentence. I had a few of my professor look over my personal statement and I have an updated paper than the one I post up a few days ago. Do you have any recommendation what i should change to not make it awkward ?? or do you have any recommendation of an editing service i can purchase ?

i taken the lsat and got a 148 and my undergrad gpa is a 3.6 , so i am looking to have a strong essay for one who can say "forget his score, i want him in my class"

any advice or any changes to my essay please let me know ! tear my essay up please

mrgstephe
Posts: 490
Joined: Tue Nov 22, 2016 3:20 pm

Re: Thoughts on my personal statement ? please help any recommendations i should add or change , nervous

Postby mrgstephe » Tue Jan 31, 2017 7:22 pm

eddie1893 wrote:canadian wolf:

thank you for your respond, yes i did attend elementary school and high school in the US. I have always had trouble with grammar and structure of my sentence. I had a few of my professor look over my personal statement and I have an updated paper than the one I post up a few days ago. Do you have any recommendation what i should change to not make it awkward ?? or do you have any recommendation of an editing service i can purchase ?

i taken the lsat and got a 148 and my undergrad gpa is a 3.6 , so i am looking to have a strong essay for one who can say "forget his score, i want him in my class"

any advice or any changes to my essay please let me know ! tear my essay up please


Yikes. You shouldn't be working on your personal statement. You should be studying for the LSAT. With a 148, there is essentially 0 chance you get into any school worth the cost.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10576
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Thoughts on my personal statement ? please help any recommendations i should add or change , nervous

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:01 pm

The last sentence of your third paragraph is an example of an awkward sentence.

"A year later from receiving my Associates, I will also be graduating from Kean University this May to receive my Bachelor's degree in Criminal justice."

I think that you mean:

"A year after earning my associates degree, I expect to graduate with a bachelors degree in criminal justice from Kean University."

Another awkward sentence:

"College has shaped me to be the person who I am today learning new skills and abilities that I will be using for my career one day."

Better to write:

"I learned new skills and abilities in college that should be useful for a career in law."

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10576
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Thoughts on my personal statement ? please help any recommendations i should add or change , nervous

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:13 pm

I do not know of any editing services. Unfortunately, a one-time fix of an essay by an editing service is unlikely to solve your difficulties in expressing your thoughts in a clear and concise manner. Usually these skills are derived from many years, maybe decades, of reading books in your desired language.

My concern is that law school may be a very difficult and unsatisfying experience for you because it involves substantial amounts of reading fairly difficult material, and then expressing complex ideas in clear, concise writing during exam time. In short, law school demands very strong reading & writing skills.




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