Engineers PS - Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anabil
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2016 11:32 pm

Engineers PS - Critique

Postby Anabil » Sat Jan 28, 2017 6:48 pm

Deleted because my PS is trash.

Thanks for the advice guys.
Last edited by Anabil on Sun Jan 29, 2017 4:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

DrGlennRichie
Posts: 142
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:22 pm

Re: Engineers PS - Critique

Postby DrGlennRichie » Sat Jan 28, 2017 7:36 pm

Scrap it altogether.

First two paragraphs are whiny with too many "I". Not getting any better later when it is again I, I, and I. Then you patronizingly talk about what iraqi refugee and someone from Detroit are doing with their lives. Then you criticize capitol hill in somewhat juvenile manner assuming that they are complete idiots.

Very negative from the beginning.

I am sure you can do better, just judging by what you wrote, you should have more interesting stories to tell.

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TexasENG
Posts: 1067
Joined: Mon Mar 02, 2015 5:31 pm

Re: Engineers PS - Critique

Postby TexasENG » Sat Jan 28, 2017 7:51 pm

.
Last edited by TexasENG on Thu Feb 16, 2017 4:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anabil
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2016 11:32 pm

Re: Engineers PS - Critique

Postby Anabil » Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:03 pm

DrGlennRichie wrote:Scrap it altogether.

First two paragraphs are whiny with too many "I". Not getting any better later when it is again I, I, and I. Then you patronizingly talk about what iraqi refugee and someone from Detroit are doing with their lives. Then you criticize capitol hill in somewhat juvenile manner assuming that they are complete idiots.

Very negative from the beginning.

I am sure you can do better, just judging by what you wrote, you should have more interesting stories to tell.



Thank you for the feedback. I didn't realize that could be seen as patronizing. That wasn't my intention at all. I'm just having difficulty tying my engineering background to my pursuit of law. Should I write a statement about overcoming adversity (regardless of how it relates to law) or try to tie engineering and my work experience to my pursuit of law.

Anabil
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2016 11:32 pm

Re: Engineers PS - Critique

Postby Anabil » Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:07 pm

TexasENG wrote:
Anabil wrote:Hey Guys,

I'd appreciate any advice or critique on my PS. Am I approaching it wrong altogether?
A simple rating out of ten would suffice however I'd appreciate an elaborate critique.


I don't want to be too tough here, but this is kind of a mess. The sentence structure overall needs some serious work. I personally can relate to your desire to move to affect policy, but from my understanding this is not a topic that the admissions teams look positively on. Unless you have past experience in something related to policy or government this seems a little insincere. Also making generalized claims about the government is a waste of space. You aren't providing any information about yourself and you come across as overly idealistic.

Honestly I think you should scrap this one and start over. It sounds like you overcame a lot as an immigrant in a challenging home and that could probably provide some good fodder for a PS. I think you should focus more on you and your personal traits/ strengths. As a fellow engineer I wish you the best of luck.



Thanks for the feedback. Should I just not mention engineering and how I want to use it in law altogether? If I focus on my challenges, should I stick to a specific topic or should I be broad. I feel like a lot of different experiences in life have brought me to this point and I don't know what to focus on.

DrGlennRichie
Posts: 142
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:22 pm

Re: Engineers PS - Critique

Postby DrGlennRichie » Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:09 pm

Anabil wrote:Thank you for the feedback. I didn't realize that could be seen as patronizing. That wasn't my intention at all. I'm just having difficulty tying my engineering background to my pursuit of law. Should I write a statement about overcoming adversity (regardless of how it relates to law) or try to tie engineering and my work experience to my pursuit of law.


I tend to analyse PS in a most negative way possible, so not everyone would have had that view.

Yes, either topic - adversity or work experience would be fine. And probably more interesting. Adversity is a beaten horse though, but workable. Work experience could be an interesting one. You can show a lot of personal growth from what you were and what you became. You can discuss a lot how your view of the world changed and so on. I feel you have potential for great PS.

Anabil
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2016 11:32 pm

Re: Engineers PS - Critique

Postby Anabil » Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:15 pm

DrGlennRichie wrote:
Anabil wrote:Thank you for the feedback. I didn't realize that could be seen as patronizing. That wasn't my intention at all. I'm just having difficulty tying my engineering background to my pursuit of law. Should I write a statement about overcoming adversity (regardless of how it relates to law) or try to tie engineering and my work experience to my pursuit of law.


I tend to analyse PS in a most negative way possible, so not everyone would have had that view.

Yes, either topic - adversity or work experience would be fine. And probably more interesting. Adversity is a beaten horse though, but workable. Work experience could be an interesting one. You can show a lot of personal growth from what you were and what you became. You can discuss a lot how your view of the world changed and so on. I feel you have potential for great PS.


I truly appreciate the feedback and thank you for being straightforward with me.

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Future Ex-Engineer
Posts: 1250
Joined: Tue Nov 22, 2016 3:20 pm

Re: Engineers PS - Critique

Postby Future Ex-Engineer » Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:38 pm

Anabil wrote:Hey Guys,

I'd appreciate any advice or critique on my PS. Am I approaching it wrong altogether?
A simple rating out of ten would suffice however I'd appreciate an elaborate critique.


If I was giving it a X out of 10, I'd probably go with a 2.

Don't like any of this to be honest. I get that it's hard to write a PS to explain the jump from engineering to law (I had to figure that out for myself earlier this year), but the way to do it definitely isn't a 700 word diatribe on why you dislike the president/current congress. That's not the point of a PS.

I'd nuke the entire thing and write about something interesting that has happened in your life, and how it has changed/affected/molded you and your character.

Just my $.02

Anabil
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2016 11:32 pm

Re: Engineers PS - Critique

Postby Anabil » Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:52 pm

mrgstephe wrote:
Anabil wrote:Hey Guys,

I'd appreciate any advice or critique on my PS. Am I approaching it wrong altogether?
A simple rating out of ten would suffice however I'd appreciate an elaborate critique.


If I was giving it a X out of 10, I'd probably go with a 2.

Don't like any of this to be honest. I get that it's hard to write a PS to explain the jump from engineering to law (I had to figure that out for myself earlier this year), but the way to do it definitely isn't a 700 word diatribe on why you dislike the president/current congress. That's not the point of a PS.

I'd nuke the entire thing and write about something interesting that has happened in your life, and how it has changed/affected/molded you and your character.

Just my $.02



I appreciate the response. I think I've gone about this wrong entirely. I'm interested if you tied engineering to your pursuit of law at all?

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Future Ex-Engineer
Posts: 1250
Joined: Tue Nov 22, 2016 3:20 pm

Re: Engineers PS - Critique

Postby Future Ex-Engineer » Sat Jan 28, 2017 10:12 pm

Anabil wrote:
mrgstephe wrote:
Anabil wrote:Hey Guys,

I'd appreciate any advice or critique on my PS. Am I approaching it wrong altogether?
A simple rating out of ten would suffice however I'd appreciate an elaborate critique.


If I was giving it a X out of 10, I'd probably go with a 2.

Don't like any of this to be honest. I get that it's hard to write a PS to explain the jump from engineering to law (I had to figure that out for myself earlier this year), but the way to do it definitely isn't a 700 word diatribe on why you dislike the president/current congress. That's not the point of a PS.

I'd nuke the entire thing and write about something interesting that has happened in your life, and how it has changed/affected/molded you and your character.

Just my $.02



I appreciate the response. I think I've gone about this wrong entirely. I'm interested if you tied engineering to your pursuit of law at all?


A little bit - mainly for scholarship applications for various schools (things like ASPIRE for NYU). I mainly used the story that my PS is based around to show why I know I won't be happy long term as an engineer, and why law school is an avenue that fits with my career goals




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