Already submitted--was it too much??

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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CatherineZetaScarn1
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Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2017 3:38 pm

Already submitted--was it too much??

Postby CatherineZetaScarn1 » Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:05 am

So I'm at that point where I'm overthinking pretty much everything. I already sent my applications in but have been reading examples of "amazing personal statements" and mine is starting to seem like it was just too much. I'm possibly going to send it some more apps this month so I need to know if I should change it now.

Would anyone be willing to take a look at it for me? I would be happy to read/critique yours in return!

mrgstephe
Posts: 490
Joined: Tue Nov 22, 2016 3:20 pm

Re: Already submitted--was it too much??

Postby mrgstephe » Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:18 am

Post it and let us crush your dreams!

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CatherineZetaScarn1
Posts: 62
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2017 3:38 pm

Re: Already submitted--was it too much??

Postby CatherineZetaScarn1 » Wed Jan 25, 2017 3:36 pm

.
Last edited by CatherineZetaScarn1 on Mon Mar 06, 2017 10:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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sethnoorzad
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Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2016 5:28 pm

Re: Already submitted--was it too much??

Postby sethnoorzad » Wed Jan 25, 2017 3:43 pm

I actually think it's a great story. Really engaging... At the very end you make it clear that you want to become a lawyer because you want people to be brought to justice. That's good because you left me hanging in the middle when you kept saying that your dad got away with breaking the law because he had a great lawyer. Maybe put something in right away to make it clear that that inspired you to do the opposite.

Anyway, I thought it was great. The intensity of your story is a good thing, imo. Not boring.

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mjb447
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Joined: Fri Jul 26, 2013 4:36 am

Re: Already submitted--was it too much??

Postby mjb447 » Wed Jan 25, 2017 4:01 pm

Yeah, I really like this as well. No comments from me. (Except that your 'tar is great. Watch out for Goldenface!)

mrgstephe
Posts: 490
Joined: Tue Nov 22, 2016 3:20 pm

Re: Already submitted--was it too much??

Postby mrgstephe » Wed Jan 25, 2017 4:14 pm

Read through it cursorily (aka not with a fine-toothed comb for grammar/usage), and I honestly really liked it. I think it does a great job of explaining your interest in law as well as some background on who you are.

Definitely don't think it was 'too much'.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10576
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Already submitted--was it too much??

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Jan 31, 2017 6:03 pm

I thought that it was written by a professional until I read "to affect as much change as possible". Otherwise it is an engaging & effective read.

Monday
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Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2016 9:36 am

Re: Already submitted--was it too much??

Postby Monday » Tue Jan 31, 2017 6:07 pm

Returning to and changing "He has a great lawyer" at the end there was great. There are several minor grammar errors but those should be easy to fix (the more important change is to maintain proper parallel by having the last sentence say "They have a great lawyer" since "He has a great lawyer" refrains are all in the present tense).




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