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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Postby Anonymous User » Sun Jan 15, 2017 5:46 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Fri Jan 20, 2017 1:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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mjb447

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Re: PS critique plz... thanks! (Aiming for t14)

Postby mjb447 » Sun Jan 15, 2017 6:17 pm

Not a big fan of this one. Way too political for my tastes - the imagined confrontation with a Trump supporter seemed particularly heavy-handed - and I'm really not sure after reading it why you want to go to law school except perhaps that you were galvanized by the recent presidential election (which is kind of an "on-a-whim" reason to go). I also don't know a ton about you other than that you enjoy reading, although the redacted portions may clarify things a little.

(Also, this may be my ignorance, but what is a "Hebrew" friend? I just checked a few dictionaries, and most use Hebrew to describe (1) a language or (2) an ancient people group.)

DrGlennRichie

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Re: PS critique plz... thanks! (Aiming for t14)

Postby DrGlennRichie » Sun Jan 15, 2017 6:53 pm

This is bad.

Para 1. Cannot understand why do you spend so much effort emphasizing that your love to read wasn't motivated by intellectual curiosity or desire for knowledge, but rather just by rainy weather. Would you be in LA you would skip college altogether I assume. Also advice "buy a computer but not internet" is pretty horrible. As internet, in smart hands, is a great way to get new knowledge. Without internet you are very much constrained to crap that you can find printed. And those limitations later manifest themselves in you essay with your obsession with NYT.

Para 2. Here we go with rain again. OK you want to be lawyer because if rain. Got it.

Para 3. Your raving about NYT is very juvenile. They are not most influential, and they barely held anybody accountable. They actually praised Osama Bin Laden and Ayatollah Khomeini at some point. And their supported candidate, HC, failed quite miserably.It seems like that your father should have connected that darn internet when you were in 7th grade and you would be better off. Sentence that started with "When I " is simply unreadable.

Para 4 and 5. The imaginary Trump supporter attack is just so bad. In just two sentences you managed to be so offensive, while imagining this offense perpetuated to you.

Para 6 and 7 is unreadable because of those edit outs. What I can surmise is kinda disjointed and not relevant.

The ending is bad, as it shows that you better go be some activist of Obama's legacy rather than go to law school. Either dont touch the subject "why law" and write about your personality, or have a very succinct message "why law".

cavalier1138

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Re: PS critique plz... thanks! (Aiming for t14)

Postby cavalier1138 » Sun Jan 15, 2017 7:01 pm

DrGlennRichie wrote:Para 3. Your raving about NYT is very juvenile. They are not most influential, and they barely held anybody accountable. They actually praised Osama Bin Laden and Ayatollah Khomeini at some point. And their supported candidate, HC, failed quite miserably.It seems like that your father should have connected that darn internet when you were in 7th grade and you would be better off. Sentence that started with "When I " is simply unreadable.


I don't think "I disagree with your political views, and therefore you're an idiot and will look like an idiot to adcomms," is a valid critique of someone's writing.

OP: you're being a little too grandiose here. The adcomms want to get to know you, not read a political screed, regardless of your affiliations

DrGlennRichie

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Re: PS critique plz... thanks! (Aiming for t14)

Postby DrGlennRichie » Sun Jan 15, 2017 7:22 pm

cavalier1138 wrote:I don't think "I disagree with your political views, and therefore you're an idiot and will look like an idiot to adcomms," is a valid critique of someone's writing.

OP: you're being a little too grandiose here. The adcomms want to get to know you, not read a political screed, regardless of your affiliations


Where did you see that I am disagreeing with OP's political views? I am disagreeing with narrow-minded approach. As she described that NYT was her only read, computer with no internet policy, and now she thinks "it is the most influential" and so on. May be she meant most influential for her? I dont know.

This whole thing, if needs to be, could have been presented in a much better way. Like after discovering an NYT issue, she was eager to learn more about her new country. She got really hooked up on reading. NYT allowed her, through the eyes and pens of its writers to travel the whole world. After 2 issues she became a voracious reader. She would read all sections on those long rainy days and be introduced to and became interested in subjects she never even though about. She opened her mind and expanded horizons. And even though she didnt have internet at that time, she felt she got her fair share of diverse information.

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Baby Gaga

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Re: PS critique plz... thanks! (Aiming for t14)

Postby Baby Gaga » Sun Jan 15, 2017 7:41 pm

I understand what you were doing here and it could work with some edits, but pretty much all the criticism that you got here earlier was very valid.

For the introduction (first 2 paragraphs), it was a bit repetitive. You could cut half of it out. Also seriously what's a Hebrew friend? Someone who gives bad advice? There is a clever way to set up this story using this information, but this isn't it. Actually if you cut the 1st paragraph out completely and change nothing else the essay already works better.

3rd paragraph is very good. The 4th paragraph bothered me. The one thing that jumped out to me was the imaginary Trump supporter who goes around yelling slurs at people in the middle of the street. It sounds like your only interaction with 46% of the population is through the lens of the NY times. I see what you were trying to do and it flows into the next paragraph, but that's just so off-putting that it doesn't work for me.

Paragraph 6, I think I know what you're talking about. Were you there? Did you go there to volunteer? Did you really hold children's hands? Write more about this story. Actually, I'm fairly certain that this story would make a better PS on its own than what you have now.

Paragraph 7, this whole paragraph is out of place. It also could potentially be the subject of a better PS that what you already have.

I don't like the final paragraph. First of all, it wasn't just your generation that elected Obama. I understand where you were going with the ending, but I agree with the other guys who thought it was grandiose and too much of a political screed.

There's a solid PS in here. Good luck on your cycle!

blueapple

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Postby blueapple » Sun Jan 15, 2017 7:44 pm

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