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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2017 12:42 pm
by personalstat1
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Re: Any thoughts on my personal statement?

Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2017 1:38 pm
by sethnoorzad
Just a quick impression.

Right off the bat, your story is interesting. Your volunteer work is a great subject. It was really great when you gave some insight into how through helping others you were helping yourself. In that part you started to give some really meaningful insights into you as a person.

I kind of wish you had delved into that a little further.

The direction you take, about serving the man the extra roll, is OK... I think the story itself is interesting. But your main point, moral, lesson, etc. ended up being a little narrow: balancing the big picture with the small picture. I think there is a personal dimension to this lesson that is still waiting to come out. This is just an intuition (so throw it out if it's not helpful) but I think you should move away from the practical dimension of helping and talk more about, like, emotional insights.... or something. lol I know this is probably pretty vague.

You kind of talk about the bread as just a practical consideration to stick to the rules because they are there for a reason, namely so that everyone can get fed. And that will inform your work in law... ehhhhhhhhh....

IMO, as much as you can highlight personal details the better. You briefly mention how you try to give personal attention to every person you served. That's a great personal quality and a lot about you. Maybe more details like that?

I think you've got a great subject to work with that will make a very interesting statement. GL

Re: Any thoughts on my personal statement?

Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2017 1:44 pm
by personalstat1
Interesting idea. Thank you for the feedback!

Re: Any thoughts on my personal statement?

Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2017 5:04 pm
by DrGlennRichie
Overall good. However, when you are saying that you volunteered because of being selfish I felt like I appreciate your honesty, but it came as little blunt. I understand that you are trying to sound less self-righteous, but I would go in a round about way. You can say that you really enjoyed the volunteering. It allowed you to see different sides of life, meet with like-minded fellow volunteered and see people whom you are helping and listen to their stories. Other peoples lives fascinated you. In this case you still doing it for yourself, as you enjoy everything that comes with it, but it is less blunt.

Re: Any thoughts on my personal statement?

Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2017 5:51 pm
by mjb447
I think this is pretty good. The thing about whether you are volunteering for yourself or others is confusing me too, though: it seems to set up a different personal statement than the one you end up writing (unless I'm missing some obvious connection). I also think you take a little too long to get to the point of the bread story. One other nitpick: the sentence that begins "Just as my time volunteering..." and ends "one-day effect" is long and the second clause is kind of awkwardly phrased.

Re: Any thoughts on my personal statement?

Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2017 8:53 pm
by personalstat1
Thanks for the thoughts! I am currently editing and hope to have another draft done by the end of the night. Will post an updated copy once finished

Re: UPDATED: Any thoughts on my personal statement?

Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2017 9:45 am
by personalstat1
Just uploaded a revised draft of my personal statement. Thank you for your feedback it was very helpful when I was making revisions!