PS draft- rip it up

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connordalto

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PS draft- rip it up

Postby connordalto » Thu Jan 05, 2017 4:45 pm

x
Last edited by connordalto on Sun Jan 08, 2017 12:49 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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Future Ex-Engineer

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Re: PS draft- rip it up

Postby Future Ex-Engineer » Thu Jan 05, 2017 5:08 pm

This is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too wordy man. It was a chore to read a lot of those sentences.

I think you've got some good stuff to work with, but you need something way more focused. I'd say it's obvious that you love the outdoors/environment, but not a whole lot else is clear from the PS. That's a good place to start if that's the key you want to show to adcoms.

If I were you, I'd either scrap all the stuff about grades/capstone projects and use those awards/projects/publications in your resume, or I'd focus much more sharply on your capstone and what you accomplished/how that project showcased who you are/what your goals are.

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arroznueve

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Re: PS draft- rip it up

Postby arroznueve » Thu Jan 05, 2017 5:24 pm

You're on the right track, but the execution needs some work. As mentioned, wordiness is a problem. There are also a lot of vague, clichéd sentiments (giving a voice to those who cannot speak/hard work, positive attitude, self-sufficiency, energy inside myself/used to the 60 hour work week) which don't really do much to say who you are, but rather say what you think they want you to be. And the two paragraphs about your 1996 Suburban serve no purpose whatsoever beyond declaring your motor vehicular insecurities.

What's good is that you have it framed with a story and flesh that out with how it relates to your interest in law, which is a completely credible one, rather than an aspirational one. Now, just try to focus this down—no irrelevant details, no throwing out buzz words that you think people want to see, just something about you/your accomplishments/your career path that your résumé doesn't quite communicate.

connordalto

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Re: PS draft- rip it up

Postby connordalto » Thu Jan 05, 2017 5:50 pm

mrgstephe wrote:This is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too wordy man. It was a chore to read a lot of those sentences.



Thanks for the input. I wrote this one for a 4 page suggestion. I am also writing a 700 word one, so Ill trim this/revise and get back to you with it, if your willing to give it the once over.

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Future Ex-Engineer

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Re: PS draft- rip it up

Postby Future Ex-Engineer » Thu Jan 05, 2017 5:56 pm

If it gets put up here, odds are I'll read it - I kind of enjoy seeing what others are putting out there.

As for the wordiness, even if it is for a four-pager, you want that to be four pages of helpful/useful content, not just 2 pages of content and 2 pages of fluff/filler.



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