Looking for PS feedback - is it too heavy?

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Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 11:37 am

Looking for PS feedback - is it too heavy?

Postby QuebecBravo » Thu Jan 05, 2017 9:24 am

Deleted - Need to revise a few things. Thanks for the feed back.
Last edited by QuebecBravo on Thu Jan 05, 2017 12:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Future Ex-Engineer

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Joined: Tue Nov 22, 2016 3:20 pm

Re: Looking for PS feedback - is it too heavy?

Postby Future Ex-Engineer » Thu Jan 05, 2017 11:36 am

Don't think it's too heavy. The idea/topic is fine, but the rest needs a lot of work.

It doesn't flow very well. I don't get the beginning at all...were you dreaming about the fourth of july or day dreaming, or what, and why include almost a paragraph about a dream from when you were 11? Did you fight off your fully grown father to save your mother at the age of 11? Seems kind of action movie/tv drama-ish. It all just seemed to switch gears super fast in an M Night Shamalamadingdong kind of way with no real connect for me.

Also I'd spend a lot more time figuring out how to make the PS show who you are and how your experiences have shaped you, rather than just telling us what your experiences were.

Just my $.02

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