PS feedback/critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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WamBamThankYouMaam

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PS feedback/critique

Postby WamBamThankYouMaam » Fri Dec 30, 2016 2:17 am

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Last edited by WamBamThankYouMaam on Fri Dec 30, 2016 3:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cavalier1138

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Re: PS feedback/critique

Postby cavalier1138 » Fri Dec 30, 2016 9:14 am

This reads more like a diversity statement, but it also falls short in that regard.

You make these vague statements about your otherness and the cultural pressures you've felt your whole life. That's fertile ground for a PS or DS, but you need to go much deeper. You can't just mention that your parents picked your major and not spend even a sentence going into detail about your feelings. And show, don't tell. At no point should you ever have to describe yourself as "strong and confident". For starters, it sounds arrogant. But more importantly, your statement should already lead the reader to that conclusion; I should know that you are strong and confident from reading about what you've overcome, not from you insisting that you're strong and confident.

Everything here is superficial, so the statement becomes flat and boring. As a result, the last paragraph comes out of nowhere, because the reader has no idea where you developed this passion for fighting against injustice. The reader barely has the sense of what it means to fill in "other" on the standard forms.

Also, avoid sweeping statements like "in our society [x] fills [purpose]", "self-realization", and "not fitting the categories laid out by society." It just makes you sound pretentious and doesn't add anything.



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