Draft #3 - Feedback please!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2016 3:17 pm

Draft #3 - Feedback please!!

Postby inmybeginning » Thu Dec 29, 2016 10:56 pm

I'm mostly concerned about the conclusion. Trying to find a convincing way to say that I'm interested in law when i have no experience of it on my resume - so hard. And I've looked at this so many times now that I can't see the words anymore. Any feedback much appreciated!


My stomach still does a flip-flop every time I walk into a library. There is just something so exciting about the fact that there are so many stories and ideas just there, waiting for me to discover them.
It’s partly nostalgia now; books were the flavor of my childhood and their presence in a library remind me of the days when I clung to them as a source of knowledge and freedom. I had a very sheltered childhood; my parents are deeply religious and homeschooled both my brother and myself. But from a young age, they encouraged us to read - and I took that message to heart. Reading opened my world up to ideas I had not known in my sheltered upbringing. From The Canterbury Tales and Doctor Faustus to The Grapes of Wrath and The Sound and the Fury, I had devoured many of the books in the Western canon by the time I graduated high school - reading anywhere from 15 to 20 thousand pages per year. Through books I came to know a world I could not see; from the haunting depths of depraved passion in Moby Dick to the exalted, other-worldly sacrifice of Sydney Carton, I found the world - and it spurred a desire to learn more.
This desire manifested itself in several different ways. I became fascinated with Christianity, and not just the Christianity I was taught on Sunday. I wanted to know everything. I read the Bible multiple times and attended Bible Studies at our Church where I was the youngest person by at least ten years. I read book after book of theology. And, although I loved the life of the mind, I also grew into the world around me. I became curious about people: specifically, how we learn, how we process information, how we make decisions. It was an endlessly delightful puzzle for me to teach horseback riding lessons where I got to interact with students from all ages and backgrounds and figure out how they learned best. I also found that I really enjoyed helping people.
I had fallen in love with classic literature early in life, so I chose to attend the [program], a “Great Books” program with a Christian flair which emphasized the reading of primary texts. From these works, my ideas grew and changed. Augustine and Calvin validated my questioning of the foundational, seemingly immovable principles of the Churches I used to attend. Hobbes and Locke introduced me to fundamental political theory. Through it all, however, I continued to teach: first horseback riding lessons, then tutoring English my senior year.
Leaving college, I didn’t quite know what I wanted to do with my life, but I knew that I loved books, I loved teaching, and I loved helping people. So I decided to become a tutor. I was hired at [company] and it was great fun attempting to impart my love of Shakespeare to high school students (with varying degrees of success). But as I continued to work, my boss began to assign me more behind-the scenes projects. I was tasked with developing the English summer curriculum and streamlining our hiring and training process. As I drifted, almost unintentionally, into the management side of the company, I found myself enjoying immensely the puzzle of each new project. I spent countless hours researching, collaborating, collating, and finally creating systems that worked.
Growing up, I had had ample exposure to law due to the fact that both my Mom and my Grandpa were lawyers, but I had never seriously considered the career for myself. But one day when I was knee deep researching how best to develop a training program to ensure our tutors were properly adapting their teaching methods to the new common core standards in California, I realized that it wasn’t the material I was researching I found interesting, but rather the process itself. It wasn’t teaching I found intriguing, but rather the puzzle of how best to adapt my teaching methods to each individual student. As I was considering what I enjoyed about my job and what I would find most fulfilling in a long term career, I realized that law would enable me to pursue my passion of solving puzzles and learning new things while also helping others.


Posts: 25
Joined: Fri May 17, 2013 2:29 pm

Re: Draft #3 - Feedback please!!

Postby xtremenite » Thu Dec 29, 2016 11:05 pm

The topics of your essay's body and conclusion are fine by themselves. But they are not really related. It sounds like your interest in law school really comes from experiences you had as a tutor. That's fine by itself but you spend most of the essay discussing books. You should instead focus your essay on your tutoring experience and flesh out the story in your conclusion.

Also, you should spend more time throughout the essay arguing why you would be a good candidate for law school. Talk about academic ability, leadership, creative thinking, etc. This is another reason why I think you should focus your essay on your tutoring experience - I can imagine there are lots of good qualities about yourself that you can bring up when talking about your tutoring experience.

Return to “Law School Personal Statements?

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.