DIVERSITY STATEMENT CRITIQUE

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
tracy9524

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DIVERSITY STATEMENT CRITIQUE

Postby tracy9524 » Wed Dec 21, 2016 10:49 am

Hi all,

I will really appreciate it if you could give me some feedbacks on my statement (content/language). This is the first time I showed this to anyone so I am very nervous! Thanks!
Last edited by tracy9524 on Thu Dec 22, 2016 1:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

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floatie

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Re: DIVERSITY STATEMENT CRITIQUE

Postby floatie » Wed Dec 21, 2016 10:57 am

"For a long time in my teenage" --> Did you mean "for a long time in my teenage years" or "for a long time as a teenager?"

In my understanding, a diversity statement is supposed to highlight not just that a candidate is diverse, but that their diversity (whatever it may be) will contribute positively to the law school. I'm not sure I"m getting this last part in your DS. As an LGBT woman myself I completely get what you mean by "hiding your identity..." but the way you describe it comes across more negatively than I think you intend.

"I began to realize that if I could learn to conceal my identity through socialization, the world may turn out to be entirely different from my perception. That is, there is a gap between the reality and my understanding of it, which is partly the product of what I am capable of seeing and what people choose to present to me." --> This is confusing and too metaphysical for a diversity statement.

"As a result, I found people I did not like to be more likable; I found people I despised to be pitiable." --> This is way too harsh. How does this show you in a positive light?

I would focus more on the connections you were able to make with different characters, and parallel it to the connections you'll be able to make with people who you'll be helping throughout your career, and focus more on the positive qualities like compassion, consideration, etc, rather than on the negatives.

Monday

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Re: DIVERSITY STATEMENT CRITIQUE

Postby Monday » Wed Dec 21, 2016 11:18 am

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Last edited by Monday on Wed May 10, 2017 11:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cavalier1138

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Re: DIVERSITY STATEMENT CRITIQUE

Postby cavalier1138 » Wed Dec 21, 2016 12:02 pm

First, fix the grammar. This is chock-full of really basic errors.

Second, I also can't figure out your diversity approach. It seems like your sexual orientation is the main point, but you keep going back to acting (which is not something I would build a diversity statement around).

tracy9524

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Re: DIVERSITY STATEMENT CRITIQUE

Postby tracy9524 » Thu Dec 22, 2016 1:15 am

Thanks all! It's been very helpful and I have a better idea of how to proceed from here.



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