comments on my first draft of PS

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kunli Liu

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comments on my first draft of PS

Postby kunli Liu » Mon Dec 19, 2016 10:01 am

An international applicant. This is the first draft of my PS. Writing personal statement for law school is much harder than for graduate school, I think. In my PS for PhD program of chemistry, there are just descriptions of research experience. In this PS, however, I must relate personal stories. This is tough for me. I would appreciate a lot if you give me some advice on the PS.
Last edited by kunli Liu on Mon Dec 19, 2016 11:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Monday

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby Monday » Mon Dec 19, 2016 11:35 am

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Last edited by Monday on Wed May 10, 2017 11:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

grades??

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby grades?? » Mon Dec 19, 2016 11:37 am

I found this a real struggle to read to be honest

kunli Liu

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby kunli Liu » Mon Dec 19, 2016 11:30 pm

Monday wrote:Hmm, I find this angle ineffective, especially the ending. First, this makes me wonder, why here? I understand that international law-related (e.g. UN, ICJ, human rights) reasons or desire to work/live here often underlie the motivation for international students. But your example and your goal to ensure equality before the law are domestic. That is, you haven't made logical the leap between your desire to ensure that individuals aren't abused by the Chinese urban management police and your desire to ensure equality before the law in the US.

Second, did you obtain a PhD in Chemistry? If so, that needs to be addressed.

Third, there are quite a number of English errors throughout (verb tenses, in particular), a fact that is made rather awkward by your self-proclamation that your English aptitude is far better than that of your classmates and that you corrected their English mistakes (this makes me wonder, did you "correct" these...correctly?)



Thank you very much. I don't know what are my reasons fo attending law school. And I think this might be an law related experience. I want to attend law school only because I want to have a better job in the future. how can I make the logical leap between the desire to ensure that individuals aren't abused by the Chinese urban management police and thedesire to ensure equality before the law in the US. 

I haven't abtained a PhD in chemistry yet. But I am admitted to a doctroate program of chemistry. I think my grammar is very weak and I don’t know how to improve it.

Monday

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby Monday » Tue Dec 20, 2016 12:44 am

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Last edited by Monday on Wed May 10, 2017 11:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cavalier1138

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby cavalier1138 » Tue Dec 20, 2016 8:15 am

kunli Liu wrote:
Monday wrote:Hmm, I find this angle ineffective, especially the ending. First, this makes me wonder, why here? I understand that international law-related (e.g. UN, ICJ, human rights) reasons or desire to work/live here often underlie the motivation for international students. But your example and your goal to ensure equality before the law are domestic. That is, you haven't made logical the leap between your desire to ensure that individuals aren't abused by the Chinese urban management police and your desire to ensure equality before the law in the US.

Second, did you obtain a PhD in Chemistry? If so, that needs to be addressed.

Third, there are quite a number of English errors throughout (verb tenses, in particular), a fact that is made rather awkward by your self-proclamation that your English aptitude is far better than that of your classmates and that you corrected their English mistakes (this makes me wonder, did you "correct" these...correctly?)



Thank you very much. I don't know what are my reasons fo attending law school. And I think this might be an law related experience. I want to attend law school only because I want to have a better job in the future. how can I make the logical leap between the desire to ensure that individuals aren't abused by the Chinese urban management police and thedesire to ensure equality before the law in the US. 

I haven't abtained a PhD in chemistry yet. But I am admitted to a doctroate program of chemistry. I think my grammar is very weak and I don’t know how to improve it.


To put it bluntly, your English isn't good enough for law school. Your reasons for attending are also weak. If you want to affect Chinese human rights, going to a US law school isn't going to help you.

kunli Liu

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby kunli Liu » Tue Dec 20, 2016 9:07 am

cavalier1138 wrote:
kunli Liu wrote:
Monday wrote:Hmm, I find this angle ineffective, especially the ending. First, this makes me wonder, why here? I understand that international law-related (e.g. UN, ICJ, human rights) reasons or desire to work/live here often underlie the motivation for international students. But your example and your goal to ensure equality before the law are domestic. That is, you haven't made logical the leap between your desire to ensure that individuals aren't abused by the Chinese urban management police and your desire to ensure equality before the law in the US.

Second, did you obtain a PhD in Chemistry? If so, that needs to be addressed.

Third, there are quite a number of English errors throughout (verb tenses, in particular), a fact that is made rather awkward by your self-proclamation that your English aptitude is far better than that of your classmates and that you corrected their English mistakes (this makes me wonder, did you "correct" these...correctly?)



Thank you very much. I don't know what are my reasons fo attending law school. And I think this might be an law related experience. I want to attend law school only because I want to have a better job in the future. how can I make the logical leap between the desire to ensure that individuals aren't abused by the Chinese urban management police and thedesire to ensure equality before the law in the US. 

I haven't abtained a PhD in chemistry yet. But I am admitted to a doctroate program of chemistry. I think my grammar is very weak and I don’t know how to improve it.


To put it bluntly, your English isn't good enough for law school. Your reasons for attending are also weak. If you want to affect Chinese human rights, going to a US law school isn't going to help you.



Seriously? I get 177 in lsat. Writing can be improved.

cavalier1138

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby cavalier1138 » Tue Dec 20, 2016 9:16 am

kunli Liu wrote:Seriously? I get 177 in lsat. Writing can be improved.


That's very impressive, but your writing needs to improve before you go to school. Fluency in written and spoken English is required for any work you'd be doing in law school. ESL students always have some issues with writing in English, but your grammar and syntax errors are severe and obvious. If what you've posted here represents an edited piece of work, then you have a lot of work to do before you'd be able to write anything for a legal writing course, much less a coherent law school exam under time constraints.

This is not to downplay your academic abilities. It sounds like you're quite intelligent. But that's not a good enough reason for you to go to the USA for law school, especially if your primary interests are in addressing Chinese human rights.

kunli Liu

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby kunli Liu » Tue Dec 20, 2016 9:34 am

cavalier1138 wrote:
kunli Liu wrote:Seriously? I get 177 in lsat. Writing can be improved.


That's very impressive, but your writing needs to improve before you go to school. Fluency in written and spoken English is required for any work you'd be doing in law school. ESL students always have some issues with writing in English, but your grammar and syntax errors are severe and obvious. If what you've posted here represents an edited piece of work, then you have a lot of work to do before you'd be able to write anything for a legal writing course, much less a coherent law school exam under time constraints.

This is not to downplay your academic abilities. It sounds like you're quite intelligent. But that's not a good enough reason for you to go to the USA for law school, especially if your primary interests are in addressing Chinese human rights.


Thank you. Writing causes me a lot of trouble. Grammar is tough for me. My primary interests are not in addressing Chinese human rights. I just don't know what is my interest and how to present it.

cavalier1138

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby cavalier1138 » Tue Dec 20, 2016 9:40 am

kunli Liu wrote:
cavalier1138 wrote:
kunli Liu wrote:Seriously? I get 177 in lsat. Writing can be improved.


That's very impressive, but your writing needs to improve before you go to school. Fluency in written and spoken English is required for any work you'd be doing in law school. ESL students always have some issues with writing in English, but your grammar and syntax errors are severe and obvious. If what you've posted here represents an edited piece of work, then you have a lot of work to do before you'd be able to write anything for a legal writing course, much less a coherent law school exam under time constraints.

This is not to downplay your academic abilities. It sounds like you're quite intelligent. But that's not a good enough reason for you to go to the USA for law school, especially if your primary interests are in addressing Chinese human rights.


Thank you. Writing causes me a lot of trouble. Grammar is tough for me. My primary interests are not in addressing Chinese human rights. I just don't know what is my interest and how to present it.


Well, if you don't know what your interest is, then you'll have a lot of problems presenting it.

It sounds like you need to put some more thought into this whole process. Your original statement (and your subsequent posts) make it seem like you are interested in addressing human rights issues in China. But if that's not the case, then I have no idea why you want to go to law school, especially if you're pursuing a doctorate in chemistry.

kunli Liu

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby kunli Liu » Tue Dec 20, 2016 9:52 am

cavalier1138 wrote:
kunli Liu wrote:
cavalier1138 wrote:
kunli Liu wrote:Seriously? I get 177 in lsat. Writing can be improved.


That's very impressive, but your writing needs to improve before you go to school. Fluency in written and spoken English is required for any work you'd be doing in law school. ESL students always have some issues with writing in English, but your grammar and syntax errors are severe and obvious. If what you've posted here represents an edited piece of work, then you have a lot of work to do before you'd be able to write anything for a legal writing course, much less a coherent law school exam under time constraints.

This is not to downplay your academic abilities. It sounds like you're quite intelligent. But that's not a good enough reason for you to go to the USA for law school, especially if your primary interests are in addressing Chinese human rights.


Thank you. Writing causes me a lot of trouble. Grammar is tough for me. My primary interests are not in addressing Chinese human rights. I just don't know what is my interest and how to present it.


Well, if you don't know what your interest is, then you'll have a lot of problems presenting it.

It sounds like you need to put some more thought into this whole process. Your original statement (and your subsequent posts) make it seem like you are interested in addressing human rights issues in China. But if that's not the case, then I have no idea why you want to go to law school, especially if you're pursuing a doctorate in chemistry.



I don't want to stay in the laboratory and do chemical experiments everyday. That is too boring. I am an undergraduate. I am not pursuing a doctrorate now. I need more thinking about law schools to write the PS.

Monday

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby Monday » Tue Dec 20, 2016 10:51 am

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Last edited by Monday on Wed May 10, 2017 11:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

vmxnn

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby vmxnn » Fri Jan 06, 2017 7:37 pm

kunli Liu wrote:
Monday wrote:Hmm, I find this angle ineffective, especially the ending. First, this makes me wonder, why here? I understand that international law-related (e.g. UN, ICJ, human rights) reasons or desire to work/live here often underlie the motivation for international students. But your example and your goal to ensure equality before the law are domestic. That is, you haven't made logical the leap between your desire to ensure that individuals aren't abused by the Chinese urban management police and your desire to ensure equality before the law in the US.

Second, did you obtain a PhD in Chemistry? If so, that needs to be addressed.

Third, there are quite a number of English errors throughout (verb tenses, in particular), a fact that is made rather awkward by your self-proclamation that your English aptitude is far better than that of your classmates and that you corrected their English mistakes (this makes me wonder, did you "correct" these...correctly?)



Thank you very much. I don't know what are my reasons fo attending law school. And I think this might be an law related experience. I want to attend law school only because I want to have a better job in the future. how can I make the logical leap between the desire to ensure that individuals aren't abused by the Chinese urban management police and thedesire to ensure equality before the law in the US. 

I haven't abtained a PhD in chemistry yet. But I am admitted to a doctroate program of chemistry. I think my grammar is very weak and I don’t know how to improve it.

Dude, u used two "I don't know" in this short post. How about sit down, have a cup of tea, and write down everything you are interested in. U also need to make connections between your interest and how it intrigued u. To be honest, I am a Chinese myself, I understand what you are trying to do. But you just did not have a better understanding of human rights issue in China. Example of Chinese urban management police is just the effect not the cause. Law was not just the outcome, it also stimulates other things. You need to compare apple to apple, cause to cause, effect to effect.
Start from effect, trace back to the cause, make connections to different causes, and show how it could influence each other, and propose a new future.

vmxnn

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Re: comments on my first draft of PS

Postby vmxnn » Fri Jan 06, 2017 7:39 pm

Monday wrote:
kunli Liu wrote:I don't want to stay in the laboratory and do chemical experiments everyday. That is too boring. I am an undergraduate. I am not pursuing a doctrorate now. I need more thinking about law schools to write the PS.

No, you need to think more about law as a career first since that (and not law school) is the end. Answer this: What attracts you to law?

most of his responses start with "I dont".



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