Personal Statement FINAL Draft (Last Minute Changes??)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
bobloblawschool

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Personal Statement FINAL Draft (Last Minute Changes??)

Postby bobloblawschool » Sun Dec 18, 2016 3:28 pm

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Last edited by bobloblawschool on Mon Dec 19, 2016 4:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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34iplaw

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Re: Personal Statement FINAL Draft (Last Minute Changes??)

Postby 34iplaw » Sun Dec 18, 2016 5:07 pm

Hold off for a bit. I'll try to get through it more thoroughly but I think you have some grammar/punctuation errors.

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34iplaw

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Re: Personal Statement FINAL Draft (Last Minute Changes??)

Postby 34iplaw » Sun Dec 18, 2016 5:29 pm

As a young woman working diligently to combat the residual impact of an abusive childhood, I had learned in my early twenties that, as grandiose as it is, I wanted to spend the rest of my life changing the world.

Not are if it should be , as grandiose as it was, in reality, it's something that hasn't changed so is works but I figured I'd toss it up so others can weigh in.

I spent the next ten years rallying for gay rights, advocating for the environment, and marching for the importance of black lives. As a paralegal working in litigation, I have voluntarily missed sleep and meals alongside some incredible attorneys, immersing myself in everything from child custody battles to class action lawsuits.

I prefer a while to the comma... some incredible attorneys while immersing...

I had never doubted the impact of these experiences on my personal growth, but I still often questioned whether my involvement in these social movements and lawsuits really made a difference in the lives of those affected.

You use I have/had verb a bit. I think I never doubted sounds better than I had never doubted.

I saw myself as one quiet voice in crowds of thousands, and didn’t experience much of an impact filing paperwork behind the cork walls of an office cubicle.

Pedantic but I don't think you would be the one experiencing the impact. Could be better as something like, I saw myself as one quiet voice in crowds of thousands and did not believe I was making much of an impact by filing paperwork behind the cork walls of an office cubicle. Either way, I really like the thoughts in the statement above.

The world still seemed the same to me.

On one unusually chilly fall evening, I ventured home from the office following several hours of legal research on a particularly complex case. My mind was on autopilot as I rushed off of the train at my subway stop, determined to make my way home quickly to rest in preparation for another busy day. I barely noticed the homeless man on the station exit staircase a few steps ahead of me on the left, although his unsteady gait sharply contrasted those of the buzzing young professionals around him.

You can possibly trim some of the description if you need space, but I like the last thought a lot. I'm unsure if contrasted with those would sound better.

The man suddenly yelped and slipped backwards off of the stairs, his lower back breaking his fall onto the concrete floor below, followed by his head. Two startling thuds later, I halted my pace and turned around to assess his state. A few others did the same. We all looked at the motionless man that lay below us, and then at each other, as if we were searching for someone to tell us what to do next. One by one, each concerned citizen silently elected to continue on his or her prior journey. I, too, entertained the notion of convincing myself that the man didn’t need intervention, and that I could go home.

A comma works for pause but It's not necessary. It may be incorrect as well.

My thoughts spiraled into doubtful questioning, but culminated into one eventual conclusion.

No comma is needed here either. I'm also uncertain as to but. For a pause, perhaps something like My thoughts spiraled into doubtful questioning and, ultimately, culminated into one eventual conclusion.

What if he is really hurt? What if I don’t know how to help him?

Memory took me back to age thirteen. I was old enough to know that I did not deserve to be hit by my father, but too young and afraid to say anything. I often accompanied my parents to the grocery store, as if we were a normal family. I remember aimlessly walking through the aisles in a perpetual state of almost crying, giving other patrons pleading looks, hoping someone would scoop me up to take me away from my terrible existence. No one ever did. At the most, some people uncomfortably smiled. Others ignored me completely.

I like this a lot. It conveys empathy and the root cause for why you are an empathetic individual.


Can I really walk away from this?


I decided that I absolutely could not.

I darted down the stairs to the man’s side to discover that he was completely unresponsive. The other passengers had exited the station by now, so I nervously rummaged through my bag for my cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. The emergency operator informed me that the paramedics would be dispatched and requested that I perform some simple tests to get the man to respond or at the least, assess whether he was still alive. Despite my overwhelming anxiety, I knew that I had to do it. I shakily struggled to find a pulse. No pulse. I tilted the man’s head back to ease air into his trachea, and slowly held my ear near his nose to listen for any breathing. Thankfully, l felt the slight warmth of his shallow breaths. He was alive!
The paramedics arrived shortly thereafter and took the man to a local hospital in an ambulance. Before they left, they informed me that he likely suffered a serious concussion but assured me that he would be fine. That evening I went home with my perspective forever shifted.

There should be a comma after that evening I believe.

I learned that day that even though I cannot change the entire world, I am impacting it every day.

I like this as it circles back, but I prefer it to sound more authoritative. I make an impact. It's possible that isn't actually more direct or authoritative but in my mind it does.

Humanity can make our world a more positive place, and we all have the ability to contribute – like the paramedics by caring for the injured man, and my decision to stay and help during an unnerving situation. Humanity inspires each of our voices at protests, our sacrifices to forego eating and sleeping in order to spend a few extra hours cracking a case, and ultimately to push past our own doubts to help a fellow human being in need.

Ultimately should be surrounded by commas on each side. I'm fairly sure it's somewhat necessary and it will also help create emphasis on what follows.

I have impacted that man’s world in some regard. He has also impacted mine. If someone had advocated for me at age thirteen, my world then would have been impacted, too.

I like this, but I don't like your wording here at all. In some regard belittles it. The man may have died. I'd prefer something that highlights how he impacted you since, while it wasn't about you then, it is about you now. Ie While I impacted that mans world, he made a profound impact on mine. It's hard to fathom how my world would have been impacted by intervention. This is why I want to become a lawyer.

The above is a bit about emphasis. Long drawn out sentences follows by a quick succinct punch really emphasizes it which is why I like that ending directly in this is why I want to become lawyer.

This is the reason that I want to become a lawyer. Lawyers are motivated by humanity in speaking for the voiceless, working tirelessly to create policy, setting legal precedent in our justice system, and indeed changing the world, one case at a time.

Drop indeed. I really dislike the word here. I also don't think the comma after world is necessary.

The injustice I experienced as a child has nurtured in me a strong sense of empathy for the marginalized, helpless, and alone.

I'd just make sure nurtured in me is a phrase that works given the context. Nurture has connotations of something being a deliberate goal.

Humanity is the catalyst for the decisions I make every day.

I think the better word is empathy. The statement really revolves about an instance showcasing your empathy and revealing why you believe you are empathetic.

Helping the hurt man in the subway station showed me that even the seemingly small decisions build a foundation for, and are a significant part of, widespread positive change.

I prefer dropping the from the seemingly small decisions.

I will never stop contributing my part. To this end, I have applied to [Law School]’s part-time evening program. I am confident in my abilities as a litigation paralegal to continue pursuing the work that still needs to be done for our world outside of law school, while simultaneously studying to gain the invaluable knowledge and skills to become an effective lawyer. My empathy for others has led me here, and my dedication to humanity will keep me going.

bobloblawschool

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Re: Personal Statement FINAL Draft (Last Minute Changes??)

Postby bobloblawschool » Mon Dec 19, 2016 3:22 pm

Thank you so much for the feedback! I did utilize some of your suggestions, and it is much stronger.



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