Personal Statement Revised - Deleted

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
bobloblawschool

New
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Dec 10, 2016 4:40 pm

Personal Statement Revised - Deleted

Postby bobloblawschool » Tue Dec 13, 2016 4:54 pm

.
Last edited by bobloblawschool on Sun Dec 18, 2016 3:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

bobloblawschool

New
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Dec 10, 2016 4:40 pm

Re: Personal Statement Revised - Thoughts?

Postby bobloblawschool » Fri Dec 16, 2016 2:15 pm

Anyone?

User avatar
sethnoorzad

New
Posts: 96
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2016 5:28 pm

Re: Personal Statement Revised - Thoughts?

Postby sethnoorzad » Fri Dec 16, 2016 4:58 pm

I know you probably want advice from someone else at this point but I'll give you my last impression.

It's looking really polished! I like how your sentences are crafted. Your word choices are great. I think it is very well written and is pretty much done. If you want to revise it any more, I would just print it out and go through it with a pen to see if there is anything you would like to change.

Writing great sentences is very complex, and you've done an awesome job for about 90% of your essay. It's obvious you have a command over the English language.

Still, here's what I'll point out:

"The emergency operator informed me that the paramedics would be dispatched and requested that I perform some simple tests to see if the man would respond or at the least, assess if he was still alive"

... to see if the man would respond or at least assess if he was still alive. Just removes a few words. A little simpler and packs the same punch, imo.

"Humanity makes our world a more positive one in which to live, and we all have the ability to contribute – the paramedics by caring for the injured man, and my decision to stay and help during an unnerving situation."

Humanity makes our world a more positive one to live in, and we all have the ability to do our part. I did my part by staying to help a stranger in need when no one else would. Don't have to use my wording. I'm not a fan of the dash. If you do use it I think it would be more correct to say -- the paramedics by caring the the injured man, and me by staying to help during an unnerving situation. Again it's perfectly fine but imo changing the sentence structure would make it just a little clearer and better.

"The injustice I felt as a child has nurtured in me a strong sense of empathy for the marginalized, helpless, and alone, and humanity is the catalyst for the decisions I make every day as a result."

Perhaps 'humanity's benefit' or 'humanity's good' would add some definition. Saying humanity is the catalyst for your everyday decisions is just a little vague.

Just a few suggestions. Overall it's looking very polished and a pleasure to read. Your sentences have some great word choices and are very articulate. I think, if anything, now you should go through and see if there is anywhere where you can pare them down. I am thinking about things like removing a comma where you could do without one, maybe substituting a simpler word for a more complex one.

For example, I love this sentence: " I barely noticed the homeless man on the station exit staircase a few steps ahead of me on the left, although his unsteady gait sharply contrasted those of the buzzing young professionals around him." It's just really nice. 'Gait' is sort of an uncommon word but very appropriate in this instance and gives some nice texture, if that's the right word, to your statement.

But, maybe here: "We all looked at the motionless man that lay below us, and then at each other, as if we were searching for someone to guide us through what to do next."

How about: "... as if we were looking for someone to tell us what to do next. Just a little simpler wording in this sentence I think has a better ring to it.

This is all nit picking at this point. The vast majority of the essay is very polished. Now the only thing left to do is go through with a fine toothed comb.

I am probably avoiding working on my own statement, lol. So I will go to that now. GL



Return to “Law School Personal Statements?

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.