Please Critique My Personal Statement! - PS Deleted

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bobloblawschool

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Please Critique My Personal Statement! - PS Deleted

Postby bobloblawschool » Sat Dec 10, 2016 4:53 pm

Happy to critique for others!
Last edited by bobloblawschool on Mon Dec 12, 2016 2:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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zot1

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Re: Please Critique My Personal Statement! Kthanks!

Postby zot1 » Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:17 am

1. Please review, review, review. You're missing words in some places.
2. I don't feel like you're driving the theme home. I read it and was sort of still looking for the "it" factor afterwards.
3. You're using way too many words on things that don't say much about you. Your personal statement should highlight things about you through a cohesive story. You wanting to be a lawyer to save the world isn't a lot--almost every other applicant will be writing about the same thing too. Why you and not them?

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sethnoorzad

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Re: Please Critique My Personal Statement! Kthanks!

Postby sethnoorzad » Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:17 pm

Your main anecdote with the man that slipped in the subway is very exciting. I like the contrast. You set up your advocacy work and explain how sometimes you are a bit removed from the action, but in when the man slipped and went unconscious you were right in the middle of the action and you took the opportunity to help someone. If anything, play up the action because I think that is something that is important to that anecdote.

You bring up your abusive childhood and its residual effects. I know what you mean. I was brought up in an abusive household. I would like to relate to that in my PS as well... working on how to do that it's not always easy. You just have one sentence about it in the beginning and then don't mention it again. I think it would be great to learn about how the residual effects had an effect on your advocacy work. Did some feeling of trauma in yourself move you to want to help others?

I would like to hear more about your inner personal development. I think that would make it more interesting.

Nice job.

A Poor Pianist

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Re: Please Critique My Personal Statement! Kthanks!

Postby A Poor Pianist » Mon Dec 12, 2016 2:01 pm

You have a really good topic which makes for really good content. Now you need to turn in into a great essay. You set the tone well with your theme of "I want to go to law school to help humanity", but your theme gets lost in some places. Even adding a few sentences in your final paragraph elaborating more on this would make this a stronger PS.

Good luck.

bobloblawschool

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Re: Please Critique My Personal Statement! Kthanks!

Postby bobloblawschool » Mon Dec 12, 2016 2:48 pm

Thank you all for taking the time to critique my PS and offer some extremely valuable feedback. I am going to rework this to carry a bit of the "why I care about humanity" theme through, since my upbringing truly has magnified my empathy for those who are marginalized, helpless, etc.

Thanks again for the push! I am more than happy to critique any of your statements, feel free to PM me.



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