PS Topic Question - Deleted

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Anonymous User
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PS Topic Question - Deleted

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Dec 09, 2016 1:38 pm

Thanks -
Revising
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Dec 12, 2016 3:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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sethnoorzad

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Re: PS Topic Question

Postby sethnoorzad » Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:49 pm

I think the topic is great. Being a mentor was a formative experience for you in which you grew as a person and it helped you realize that you have a desire to be in a career to serve others.

I think in a new draft you could find some sentences that are not as important and replace them with ones in which you explicitly talk about how you were growing as a person from your work as a mentor. You have a lot of good illustration -- the prank in the beginning, the camping trip, etc -- and it's nice but I think you could add a little more "meat" where you're talking just about you growing as a person. How did you overcome the challenge of being an introvert and speaking to so many people every week? What gave you the courage to develop that new skill? Honestly, I think the first paragraph could be replaced with something else. It's a nice anecdote about your first meeting with the young men you mentored, but imo not essential and maybe a different opening is a possibility. Of course all up to you. Illustration -- is that the right word? -- is great in a PS, it makes everything blend together and gives the reader some "pictures" of the events in your life. I think it really works the best when there is an ample amount of analysis to go along with the illustration. It's like having a movie where the main character is like "I'm gonna go do something great!" then there's a song with a montage of all the stuff he's doing. Eventually you gotta cut into the thick of the action and explain why these events are so important.

Your illustration is great though, it makes it fun to read and really makes the essay flow.

GL to you



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