Please give me final advice on my PS!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
yhchoi1687

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Please give me final advice on my PS!!

Postby yhchoi1687 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 12:38 pm

Thank you very much for all your comments!
I will try to come back with a updated one.
Last edited by yhchoi1687 on Thu Dec 08, 2016 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cavalier1138

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Re: Please give me final advice on my PS!!

Postby cavalier1138 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:24 pm

This seems to largely suffer from the same problems as your first attempt, except the theme you hit on at the end (tolerance for your own failure) is a good choice.

The problem is that I didn't see any reflection of that theme earlier in the statement. And what I did see was a brief academic history (they already see that on your application), some resume highlighting (they will read your resume), and some generally condescending comments about your classmates (this will not endear you to anyone).

The rest of your application is for telling the committee how smart you are. This statement is meant to show them something about you that they can't glean from reading your resume. And this doesn't come close.

yhchoi1687

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Re: Please give me final advice on my PS!!

Postby yhchoi1687 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 6:54 pm

cavalier1138 wrote:some generally condescending comments about your classmates (this will not endear you to anyone).


Thanks for your comments.
Particularly for that part, I had the same worries so I will change it.

For your comments on other parts, hm.. because to be honest I don't have any ah-ha moments that I can describe in a solid narrative story, which I am not really good at writing, and I believed I hope to explain how I changed through two institutions in different countries, I intentionally chose to write in this way. I hoped to explain my chronological growth.

Can you explain me a bit more how this essay looks like rehashing a resume? Actually, I wrote a small introduction narrative paragraph that describes how I was like an blind overachiever before entering college, but I took it out because it didn't seem strong and necessary, according to others' comments. Do you think it might be better putting such paragraph to start the story?

Thank you so much for your reading and critiquing my personal statement!

cavalier1138

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Re: Please give me final advice on my PS!!

Postby cavalier1138 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 9:53 pm

It reads like a resume because you literally explain which schools you went to and what academics were like there. And then you tell us about a job you had. I really don't get anything personal out of the entire statement, except for little hints around the beginning and end.

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zot1

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Re: Please give me final advice on my PS!!

Postby zot1 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 9:57 pm

Not a fan. Why don't you frame this from the adversity of having to leave a school you were going to and your friends and whatnot because your parents didn't have money. Something must have happened there.

yhchoi1687

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Re: Please give me final advice on my PS!!

Postby yhchoi1687 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 10:20 pm

zot1 wrote:Not a fan. Why don't you frame this from the adversity of having to leave a school you were going to and your friends and whatnot because your parents didn't have money. Something must have happened there.


Thanks for your comments.
I think I can expand a narrative on that moment and restructure the essay with trimming down some resume-like parts.

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zot1

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Re: Please give me final advice on my PS!!

Postby zot1 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 10:23 pm

yhchoi1687 wrote:
zot1 wrote:Not a fan. Why don't you frame this from the adversity of having to leave a school you were going to and your friends and whatnot because your parents didn't have money. Something must have happened there.


Thanks for your comments.
I think I can expand a narrative on that moment and restructure the essay with trimming down some resume-like parts.


Here's the general advice I give people writing personal statements: write a story that will make it impossible for the reader to reject you.

Writing about the struggle that you didn't go to Harvard? That's a tough sell. Keep in mind admission officers likely didn't go to Harvard either... even those working at Harvard.



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