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Mr. Archer

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Re: Diversity Statement - CRITIQUE PLEASE!!!!!!

Postby Mr. Archer » Wed Dec 07, 2016 10:38 pm

The first time I can remember realizing I was different was in the second grade.

You could just say the first time you realized, since that's more concise.

I was already the only Black kid in class, so in my mind, I couldn't set myself apart even more by trying to explain that my mom's strange name was actually Persian, because I am half Middle Eastern.

This sentence is awkward. Are you trying to say you didn't want to set you self apart more by revealing you were not only black but also Middle Eastern, because your mother is Persian?

As I cringed inside, I wondered more and more why my life wasn't more similar to that of my classmates. I would soon come to realize that this was the greatest gift my parents could have ever given me, that my distinct background would provide me with a unique perspective on life, the exact one I needed to get where I am today.


This sounds like the them of your DS, but the theme isn't carried through in the two middle paragraphs. The second paragraph carries it a little bit, but then your third paragraph shifts to people trying to put you in a box based on race/ethnicity. The first-half of the third paragraph is actually more about being in a different economic class, while the rest of the PS is about race/ethnicity, so that part of the paragraph disrupts the flow. The second-half of the third paragraph flows more naturally and can fit into a DS about having a unique perspective/not fitting a label. I think concept of labels can be part of your DS, but you should adjust your framing to get both concepts in there and carry a theme throughout. Right now it comes across a little like two concepts forced together by vague phrases about your identity getting you to where you are today and learning who you really are.

The last sentence of the second paragraph is confusing/out-of place. Unless you frequently use the word "amongst" in conversation, you shouldn't have it in you DS. People constantly use "amongst," "whilst," and "midst," in law school statements, but I doubt it's something used on a daily basis.

I would also say the writing in third paragraph isn't for me. All the statements starting with "Because" are a little much and too informal IMO.

Hopefully that helps you figure things out. Good luck.



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