Please CRITIQUE my rough draft!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Joined: Fri Dec 02, 2016 7:11 pm

Please CRITIQUE my rough draft!!

Postby yhchoi1687 » Fri Dec 02, 2016 7:24 pm

Last edited by yhchoi1687 on Thu Dec 08, 2016 10:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Please CRITIQUE my rough draft!!

Postby UVA2B » Sat Dec 03, 2016 2:09 am

Sorry this is harsh, but this is a complete scrap. I could point to countless problems in your statement, but I'll keep it simple.

1. English as a second language is too abundantly clear because your grammar requires extensive work
2. Your intelligence shines through in your vocabulary, but its lost because of the above
3. This is largely a resume dump, which will never be an effective PS
4. I don't want to seem off-base, but I don't think you will ever capture the statement you want until you have the opportunity to shore up your English and speak to someone about how to craft a quality narrative.

Sorry this is brief, but you don't give much to work with for someone trying to help you with your narrative.

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Re: Please CRITIQUE my rough draft!!

Postby Christinabruin » Sun Dec 04, 2016 12:15 am

I agree with the above poster. It feels more like a description of your resume than an actual story or PS. I recommend finding one anecdote from your time at ONE of the different academic institutions you attended, instead of briefly focusing on multiple pieces. You say these different countries became "testing grounds" of academic knowledge. How so? You only tell us what you learned, but make sure you give us concrete examples as well. (Better yet, focus on one example and expand on it) Also, that part about Brown U teaching you of diversity and tolerance can be said for almost every university out there. Same for the time you spend studying abroad. Make your experience special and unique. Then it'll feel more like a narrative.

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