Please Critique my PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Please Critique my PS

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Dec 02, 2016 12:10 am

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Dec 03, 2016 6:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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zot1

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Re: Please Critique my PS

Postby zot1 » Fri Dec 02, 2016 12:14 am

How many words is this? I feel like you could say the same with a lot less words.

Your essay is good in the sense that it provides a lot of information about you, but I find it to be rather disjointed.

Anonymous User
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Re: Please Critique my PS

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Dec 02, 2016 12:23 am

Thanks! This is at 712 words. And yes, I agree, I definitely think it feels a bit disjointed.

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zot1

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Re: Please Critique my PS

Postby zot1 » Fri Dec 02, 2016 12:25 am

Maybe guide it a bit more. Start with a defining sentence, something like: I have always been community-oriented. Then tell your tales and tie it back to that.

It definitely doesn't have to be that sentence. Just an example to get you going.

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UVA2B

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Re: Please Critique my PS

Postby UVA2B » Fri Dec 02, 2016 12:25 am

1. Reads too much like an expansion of your resume. I haven't seen your resume, but I feel like I don't really need to after reading this. That's not really effective because I also have to read your resume. That being said, this is not just a straight resume dump. You've crafted a narrative within your resume that makes some sense. If you went forward with this PS, it wouldn't kill you.

2. Within your narrative, I think you have something genuine that you could expand into a more effectual PS. You've already started this narrative, and if done correctly, you could probably expand it into something very usable. Feel free to completely disregard this, but what I'm imagining would start something like this:

"Imagine the lessons you can learn from a canoe. Has a canoe ever taught you the joys of selfless service to your peers? Or taught you the importance of appreciating a world you have never known? Has a canoe ever taught you to think critically about how you can coexist with your environment? I never imagined I would learn all of these lessons from a canoe..."

I feel like your involvement in canoe-related activities could create something really interesting about you that is simultaneously framed by the canoe while also never being about the canoe. Don't let the framing become about the various jobs you've done: keep it in the canoe.

My idea above is probably a bit too aggressive in challenging the reader, but I hope you get the underlying idea I'm imagining.

Like I said, feel free to disregard all of this, but I think it would be a slightly more interesting narrative about you as an applicant.



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