Final-ish draft. Please critique as soon as possible! Aiming to submit applications by Wednesday.

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Final-ish draft. Please critique as soon as possible! Aiming to submit applications by Wednesday.

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Nov 27, 2016 7:08 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Nov 30, 2016 12:15 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Mr. Archer

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Re: Final-ish draft. Please critique as soon as possible! Aiming to submit applications by Wednesday.

Postby Mr. Archer » Sun Nov 27, 2016 7:29 pm

You should think about a significant rewrite or even switching topics. There's just not much here that is very interesting or tells anything about you. Apparently, you moved from a border town in Canada to the U.S. with no problems, grew up in a pretty good situation, considering your dad is an engineer, and then eventually became a citizen with no problem. But you've seen it is harder for other people who are trying to come to the U.S. That's all your PS really says. If it's as long as you say it is, then the PS is also too long, which is surprising because it takes you that long to say so little.

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Re: Final-ish draft. Please critique as soon as possible! Aiming to submit applications by Wednesday.

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Nov 27, 2016 8:03 pm

@Mr Archer, thanks very very much. I struggled with this because I have another diversity statement that goes further in depth about my ethnic background and I didn't want to have the two essays be the same. To this point:
you moved from a border town in Canada to the U.S. with no problems, grew up in a pretty good situation, considering your dad is an engineer, and then eventually became a citizen with no problem. But you've seen it is harder for other people who are trying to come to the U.S


You're not wrong--immigrating to the U.S. was a lot easier for me than it can be for others. I don't have a 'sob story', and the difficulties faced in the immigration process were my parents, not mine. I was a kid and didn't really have any issues, and I didn't want to be disingenuous and claim them as my own.

I want to go to law school to practice immigration law--as someone who has gone through the system myself, I want to "pay it forward", if that makes sense, and this is the best way I was able to illustrate that. Do you have any specific points as to where I should revise? If not, no big deal. I appreciate your help!

Anonymous User
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Re: Final-ish draft. Please critique as soon as possible! Aiming to submit applications by Wednesday.

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Nov 27, 2016 8:03 pm

double post sorry!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Nov 27, 2016 8:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Monday

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Re: Final-ish draft. Please critique as soon as possible! Aiming to submit applications by Wednesday.

Postby Monday » Sun Nov 27, 2016 8:04 pm

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Last edited by Monday on Wed May 10, 2017 11:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Monday

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Re: Final-ish draft. Please critique as soon as possible! Aiming to submit applications by Wednesday.

Postby Monday » Sun Nov 27, 2016 8:07 pm

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Last edited by Monday on Wed May 10, 2017 11:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: Final-ish draft. Please critique as soon as possible! Aiming to submit applications by Wednesday.

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Nov 27, 2016 8:12 pm

@Monday - thanks for your feedback. I did adjust to the U.S. easily, and I didn't suffer from any form of discrimination, even though I'm not white/wasn't raised Christian, so I wanted to be truthful and not embellish but hearing that it sounds insincere is kinda tough. I'll try and combine my PS with my DS, hopefully that makes it sound a little better.

When you say
fails to move beyond a resume line
, could you elaborate?

Anonymous User
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Re: Final-ish draft. Please critique as soon as possible! Aiming to submit applications by Wednesday.

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Nov 27, 2016 9:44 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Nov 30, 2016 12:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Mr. Archer

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Re: Final-ish draft. Please critique as soon as possible! Aiming to submit applications by Wednesday.

Postby Mr. Archer » Sun Nov 27, 2016 9:56 pm

Yes, it would be better to change your diversity statement to the PS since you already have that worked out (you will need to expand the DS and make changes of course). I agree that the PS comes off as a little insincere as is. It sounds like you just went from a pretty good life in Canada to an even better life in the U.S. without any difficulty. I also think the other poster's comment about a resume' line is true. You're just pointing out you worked at a firm that focuses on immigration law.



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