Critique my Personal Statement please!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
pointplace

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Critique my Personal Statement please!

Postby pointplace » Sun Nov 20, 2016 5:23 pm

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Last edited by pointplace on Mon Nov 21, 2016 4:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.

cavalier1138

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Re: Critique my Personal Statement please!

Postby cavalier1138 » Sun Nov 20, 2016 9:16 pm

The topic isn't bad, but it reads like you shoved every other word through a thesaurus, especially towards the beginning. You're describing highly personal encounters, so don't be afraid to use more relaxed language.

pointplace

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Re: Critique my Personal Statement please!

Postby pointplace » Sun Nov 20, 2016 9:40 pm

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Last edited by pointplace on Mon Nov 21, 2016 4:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Mr. Archer

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Re: Critique my Personal Statement please!

Postby Mr. Archer » Sun Nov 20, 2016 10:20 pm

I agree with the thesaurus comment. Also, this is an interesting topic, but the PS needs work. It looks like you're trying to start in media res, but it doesn't work for me. It makes the PS a little disjointed. I think you get to far into the story before going back to the beginning (assuming the gay pride event took place the same summer as the events of paragraph 3??). It might work better if you adjust the framing and then give more detail about a specific conversation you had with someone who opposed gay marriage where you either reacted respectfully to someone who was an asshole or helped change someone's views. Right now there's a lot of vague details where you tell instead of show. You give the most detail about interacting positively with someone who I kind of assume was already in agreement with you, considering he was around a gay pride parade. You say skepticism, but you don't say what he was skeptical about, so why would I not just assume he didn't want to give you money in the same way I don't always give money to people asking for charity, not that he didn't support gay rights? These are just some things to think about. Also, how does Nature Conservancy fit into this whole thing?

pointplace

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Re: Critique my Personal Statement please!

Postby pointplace » Mon Nov 21, 2016 1:55 am

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Last edited by pointplace on Mon Nov 21, 2016 4:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cavalier1138

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Re: Critique my Personal Statement please!

Postby cavalier1138 » Mon Nov 21, 2016 6:15 am

pointplace wrote:My passionate execution, working in collusion with effective rebuttals to his skepticism, creates a powerful plea for equality that would not be forsaken.


I'm just pulling this sentence out because it's a prime example of the thesaurus issue.

Here's the funny thing about writing: even though I've never met you, I know that you don't talk like this. Your style just screams out that you want people to think that you're really intelligent, rather than letting the rest of your application tell that story.

Try reading your statement out loud to a friend or relative. If you like, have them tell you when it sounds inauthentic, but I bet you'll be able to tell without them saying anything.

pointplace

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Re: Critique my Personal Statement please!

Postby pointplace » Mon Nov 21, 2016 2:15 pm

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darthlawyer

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Re: Critique my Personal Statement please!

Postby darthlawyer » Tue Nov 22, 2016 2:46 am

cavalier1138 wrote:
pointplace wrote:My passionate execution, working in collusion with effective rebuttals to his skepticism, creates a powerful plea for equality that would not be forsaken.


I'm just pulling this sentence out because it's a prime example of the thesaurus issue.

Here's the funny thing about writing: even though I've never met you, I know that you don't talk like this. Your style just screams out that you want people to think that you're really intelligent, rather than letting the rest of your application tell that story.

Try reading your statement out loud to a friend or relative. If you like, have them tell you when it sounds inauthentic, but I bet you'll be able to tell without them saying anything.



maybes hes just that guy who talks like that.



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