Personal Statement Draft. Feedback Appreciated.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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TakeItToTrial

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Personal Statement Draft. Feedback Appreciated.

Postby TakeItToTrial » Mon Oct 31, 2016 6:22 pm

I posted my marijuana-themed PS (sending to UW and Berkeley only) last week and received some great feedback.

I'm trying to write a "normal" PS that I can send to 5-10 other schools. If anyone has time to read/comment, I would really appreciate it. Here's my draft:

There exists a widespread conception that the key to a success is to follow your passions. Proponents of this school of thought believe success is best achieved through internal fulfillment, the kind that can only be found while engaging in pursuits you are excited and energized about. While I acknowledge this advice is well intentioned, I believe the key to success is to utilize your strengths. By aligning our pursuits with our skills, we place ourselves in the best possible position for success.

I chose to major in philosophy because I already possessed a strong foundation as both a writer and a critical thinker. I knew that by honing these skills, I could achieve my greatest possible potential as a student. My goal in selecting an analytical, writing-intensive major was to place myself in the best possible position to achieve success by further developing my established skill set.

As I began to find success as a student of Philosophy, a passion for the subject developed. I began to enjoy dissecting arguments and spotting errors in the reasoning of others. Instead of making me cringe, the thought of writing an argumentative essay began to excite me. I began to participate frequently in class discussions to fortify my views and, at times, question those of my classmates. Sometimes I chose to defend the views of the great philosophers, using my reasoning as a shield between their theories and the objections of my classmates. Other times I would attack, using my thoughts as a razor to slice through unwarranted conclusions and false premises. As I began to routinely earn my way onto the Dean’s List, it became clear that developing my strengths had started to produce positive results.

I followed my passion throughout college as well, and it led me onto the football field. As an undersized walk-on, I prided myself on being the hardest working player on the team. I would spend additional time at the gym after team workouts. I made dietary changes designed to increase my speed and build lean muscle and spent Sunday afternoons doing extra conditioning. I knew the playbook backwards and forwards, but nothing helped me earn my way onto the field. When I was released from the team before my senior season, my coach and I discussed how no amount of passion could make up for a lack of natural ability.

I believe it is a mistake to overemphasize the pursuit of passion. For natural ability is often a firm prerequisite to success and passion rarely is. Instead, our goal should be to first follow our strengths, finding what we are passionate about along the way.

I am seeking legal education because I believe it is an extension of my natural abilities, as well as the skills I have developed through the study of philosophy. I am excited to grow further as both a writer and a critical thinker. I believe law school is the place to achieve this growth. I developed a passion for Philosophy because it aligned with my analytical nature and allowed me to use and further develop my writing and critical reading skills. Law school will also provide me with the means to use and develop my skills, and I am confident I will develop a passion for law in the same way.

JazzyMac

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Re: Personal Statement Draft. Feedback Appreciated.

Postby JazzyMac » Wed Nov 02, 2016 12:26 am

Have this on my "to read", I will get back with you soon.

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Mr. Freeze

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Re: Personal Statement Draft. Feedback Appreciated.

Postby Mr. Freeze » Wed Nov 02, 2016 4:22 am

I couldnt find any real flaws with this. It seems well written enough, but just restates why you chose your major and what you did. Not the most exciting or memorable PS.

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TakeItToTrial

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Re: Personal Statement Draft. Feedback Appreciated.

Postby TakeItToTrial » Wed Nov 02, 2016 2:40 pm

Mr. Freeze wrote:I couldnt find any real flaws with this. It seems well written enough, but just restates why you chose your major and what you did. Not the most exciting or memorable PS.


Yeah, that's what I was going for, honestly. Just something vanilla to balance out my cannabis PS.

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TakeItToTrial

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Re: Personal Statement Draft. Feedback Appreciated.

Postby TakeItToTrial » Wed Nov 02, 2016 2:41 pm

JazzyMac wrote:Have this on my "to read", I will get back with you soon.


Thank you!

JazzyMac

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Re: Personal Statement Draft. Feedback Appreciated.

Postby JazzyMac » Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:17 pm

Actually this is a great essay, *but*.

Why don't you focus on a topic of philosophy? Maybe a topic of a paper you wrote about? Maybe an element in real life that your strengths in philosophy helped to hone?

I think that will take a good, "vanilla" essay into an attention-grabber.



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