First (very rough) PS Draft - critiques please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 324970
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

First (very rough) PS Draft - critiques please

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Oct 27, 2016 12:23 am

This draft is super rough so I am posting anonymously to avoid it being associated with my profile. I know the topic is slightly uncomfortable, but I feel strongly about making it work. I am mainly looking for critiques to ensure I am going in the right direction with this right now, I know the essay is not great right now.


“Why would you do that to me?” “Because you deserved it” That was the conversation I had with my rapist as he left. I was only 15 and was left with so many questions. Why would someone do that to another person? Did I deserve it? What am I supposed to do now? Do I tell anyone? Has anyone else experienced this? The answers to these questions would come much later and much too late, but this is not a sob story, nor a pity party invitation. Alas, this is a story of how an unfortunate and tragic event broke me down into tiny little pieces and how those pieces were eventually glued back together to form an unrecognizable, but stronger and passionate person; who I am today.
While the act itself was traumatizing, the retelling of the story was almost worse. Not because I did not want to relive it, although that is also true, but because the reactions from others were overwhelmingly negative. There was a little bit of victim blaming, a few headshakes of disbelief, not in the event, but of my recollection of it, and an overall lack of compassion. This is the first time I ever felt true injustice, but I was young, I had no idea what else to do other than to keep quiet, so I did. It was not until much later when I would begin hearing more stories that sounded like mine. And just like that, those pieces I had been broken into began reconnecting, one by one.
These stories were heart wrenching, but they were familiar, and that comforted me. I finally started to regain my sense of self, and with that, I gained an undeniable passion, as if I had swallowed a lit match, I began burning with a desire to help those who had gone through traumas similar to mine. While I went through it alone, with no support system, I discovered it did not have to be that way for anyone else. I discovered that this was more than just a personal issue; this was a societal issue, a problem with our culture. That was just the beginning. I had found my calling.
I knew I might never receive justice for myself, but I would be unable to sleep at night knowing I was not doing whatever I can to ensure others got the justice they so desperately deserve. These survivors need not live as perpetual victims, as society often perpetuates. No, they should be empowered, advocated for, supported. That is what leads me to pursue a career in law. Passive inaction will not cut it. I need to be fighting this societal injustice firsthand. While I cannot change what happened to me, I can take that experience and use my perseverance and unearthed vigor to forge a change, one individual at a time.
My assault was unfortunate, an event I would not wish upon anyone, but with much self-determination, I managed to turn an unspeakable trauma into an opportunity. I began my journey as the human embodiment of a ceramic vase shattered on a hardwood floor, but I am continuing it as a restored and strong woman with an unwavering passion for helping others and enacting real social change. This is a passion that I will carry with me through all of my endeavors, and most importantly, law school, where I will gain the experience and skills I need to carry out my aspirations.

User avatar
Mr. Freeze

New
Posts: 42
Joined: Sun Aug 23, 2015 4:56 pm

Re: First (very rough) PS Draft - critiques please

Postby Mr. Freeze » Thu Oct 27, 2016 1:15 am

Anonymous User wrote:This draft is super rough so I am posting anonymously to avoid it being associated with my profile. I know the topic is slightly uncomfortable, but I feel strongly about making it work. I am mainly looking for critiques to ensure I am going in the right direction with this right now, I know the essay is not great right now.


“Why would you do that to me?” “Because you deserved it” That was the conversation I had with my rapist as he left. I was only 15 and was left with so many questions. Why would someone do that to another person? Did I deserve it? What am I supposed to do now? Do I tell anyone? Has anyone else experienced this? The answers to these questions would come much later and much too late, but this is not a sob story, nor a pity party invitation. Alas, this is a story of how an unfortunate and tragic event broke me down into tiny little pieces and how those pieces were eventually glued back together to form an unrecognizable, but stronger and passionate person; who I am today.

While the act itself was traumatizing, the retelling of the story was almost worse. Not because I did not want to relive it, although that is also true, but because the reactions from others were overwhelmingly negative. There was a little bit of victim blaming, a few headshakes of disbelief, not in the event, but of my recollection of it, and an overall lack of compassion. This is the first time I ever felt true injustice, but I was young, I had no idea what else to do other than to keep quiet, so I did. It was not until much later when I would begin hearing more stories that sounded like mine. And just like that, those pieces I had been broken into began reconnecting, one by one.

These stories were heart wrenching, but they were familiar, and that comforted me. I finally started to regain my sense of self, and with that, I gained an undeniable passion, as if I had swallowed a lit match, I began burning with a desire to help those who had gone through traumas similar to mine. While I went through it alone, with no support system, I discovered it did not have to be that way for anyone else. I discovered that this was more than just a personal issue; this was a societal issue, a problem with our culture. That was just the beginning. I had found my calling.

I knew I might never receive justice for myself, but I would be unable to sleep at night knowing I was not doing whatever I can to ensure others got the justice they so desperately deserve. These survivors need not live as perpetual victims, as society often perpetuates. No, they should be empowered, advocated for, supported. That is what leads me to pursue a career in law. Passive inaction will not cut it. I need to be fighting this societal injustice firsthand. While I cannot change what happened to me, I can take that experience and use my perseverance and unearthed vigor to forge a change, one individual at a time.


My assault was unfortunate, an event I would not wish upon anyone, but with much self-determination, I managed to turn an unspeakable trauma into an opportunity. I began my journey as the human embodiment of a ceramic vase shattered on a hardwood floor, but I am continuing it as a restored and strong woman with an unwavering passion for helping others and enacting real social change. This is a passion that I will carry with me through all of my endeavors, and most importantly, law school, where I will gain the experience and skills I need to carry out my aspirations.


Its a good start. The beginning tells your story but then it gets vague. The part in bold I would go into more detail. What is it you have done/plan to do? Sounds like you are going to fight for victims of Sexual assault?

Anonymous User
Posts: 324970
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: First (very rough) PS Draft - critiques please

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Oct 27, 2016 5:37 pm

Its a good start. The beginning tells your story but then it gets vague. The part in bold I would go into more detail. What is it you have done/plan to do? Sounds like you are going to fight for victims of Sexual assault?


Thank you for the feedback. I am hoping to work with survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence, is that something I should flat out say? Unfortunately, I have not had much activism experience regarding this issue because of personal reasons, which I really regret, will not having that experience in my essay be a setback?



Return to “Law School Personal Statements?

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.