5th draft of personal statement - please critique and help me polish

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Anonymous User
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5th draft of personal statement - please critique and help me polish

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Oct 23, 2016 12:50 am

*Removed*
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Oct 27, 2016 5:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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melainaa

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Re: 5th draft of personal statement - please critique and help me polish

Postby melainaa » Wed Oct 26, 2016 11:20 pm

A few thoughts:

I would scrap the first two sentences at least, and start with something that grabs the attention a little more - i.e. "I was suspended in the Pacific Ocean, locked in a cage, and waiting." And then go from there - or something close to this. A National Geographic-type introduction does nothing to hook the reader.

Also, why do you mention you feel insignificant? The rest of your PS seems to show you want to be significant and contribute to society in a significant way. It doesn't feel like the same theme. I would scrap "I learned that day what it really felt like to be insignificant," and maybe go into how you felt you were a part of a larger whole - or compare the underwater hierarchy to the criminal justice system if you want (you have some of that in your second paragraph).

And unless you want to talk about criminal justice reform, don't mention that the criminal justice system won't be around forever.

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Mr. Archer

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Re: 5th draft of personal statement - please critique and help me polish

Postby Mr. Archer » Wed Oct 26, 2016 11:38 pm

Pretty weird. Aside for what you specifically state about yourself (ex., picking colleges and wanting to be a Fed. prosecutor). I don't know much about you. What I do know isn't very helpful. You didn't go to the same school as people in your family? Ok, so what? You didn't get into the schools you wanted to get into out of high school. How does that make you look like a good law school candidate? I just don't get what you want people to know other than that some things haven't worked out in life exactly as you planned but were still pretty ok.



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