New Personal Statement Draft - This Time Featuring Sharks! Please Tell Me Your Thoughts - Blunt Opinions Appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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New Personal Statement Draft - This Time Featuring Sharks! Please Tell Me Your Thoughts - Blunt Opinions Appreciated

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Oct 22, 2016 4:21 am

*Removed*
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Oct 27, 2016 5:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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A. Nony Mouse

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Re: New Personal Statement Draft - This Time Featuring Sharks! Please Tell Me Your Thoughts - Blunt Opinions Appreciated

Postby A. Nony Mouse » Sat Oct 22, 2016 1:00 pm

I think it is often very difficult for 0Ls to write credible statements about what law is and what it requires (having not yet gone to law school/practiced law), and I think your essay founders on this. And I don't think the analogy with the sharks works, it's too forced. I also think this is too much of a pseudo-philosophical soliloquy on the nature of the universe and law, rather than telling adcomms something about yourself. The purpose of the PS isn't to show adcomms how well you understand the law, it's a chance to show them who you are. I think your description of being in the shark tank and the nature of sharks is pretty decent, I just don't think it has any natural relationship to the whole "What Is Law" bit. If you can tie the shark thing to some change in your life or to some understanding you reached about yourself, that might work, but I don't think this version works.

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Re: New Personal Statement Draft - This Time Featuring Sharks! Please Tell Me Your Thoughts - Blunt Opinions Appreciated

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Oct 22, 2016 2:37 pm

Yeah, I like the general shark tank topic but I do think I I agree with you about how it's a bit of a stretch to relate back to the law. Would you say the first two paragraphs are fine, and then I can change up the next couple paragraphs to reflect more about me than the law? Also how are the last two paragraphs? Is it a decent conclusion or should I cut most of it?

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Re: New Personal Statement Draft - This Time Featuring Sharks! Please Tell Me Your Thoughts - Blunt Opinions Appreciated

Postby A. Nony Mouse » Sat Oct 22, 2016 3:13 pm

I would ditch the first sentence. If your PS starts by talking about sharks, it will be pretty clear to the reader that you're interested in sharks.

To be honest, I don't love the last two paragraphs. I think the first of those two is kind of vague and puffing up not much substance. What are your lofty goals and aspirations? How do you intend actually to help people? Do you mean you're going to go into legal aid and help tenants sue their landlords, or you're going to help Fortune 500 companies negotiate deals with their competitors? You may not be able to answer those questions right now, which is totally fine and normal at this point, but if you can't, don't write a paragraph about what you're going to do. I get the impression that you're trying to say you don't have any unrealistic expectations that law will make you fabulously wealthy or be as exciting/dramatic as Law & Order, but I feel like bringing up negatives just to say they don't apply to you isn't very persuasive.

And the last paragraph seems unnecessary - if you weren't ready to take this next step, why would you be applying to law school at all? The last paragraph would make some sense as the end of an essay describing personal change - like, "I always wanted to be a lawyer, but I used to struggle with X, so I went off and worked as a barista/meditated in a yurt/joined AmeriCorps, and now, having learned how to handle X, I'm ready to take the next step" - but without some kind of context like that, it really doesn't say anything (it sounds like you just want to be able to use the ocean phrase to tie into the shark theme).

I guess my more general advice would be to focus more on things that have already happened to you and what they show about you, than on speculating about your legal future. IMO legal future essays work best when someone has very specific work/life experience that has led them to a particular practice area - "I worked for 7 years at a non-profit serving immigrants in community X, I saw they particularly struggled with issues Y and Z, I saw how legal training would help them address those issues, I want to get a JD to reform issue Z" or "I was an accountant for 4 years providing personal services to individuals planning for retirement, I now want to get a JD to learn more about estates and trusts and wills and combine that knowledge with my accounting skills" or the like. If you don't have that kind of story to tell (which is totally fine - most applicants don't) I don't think it's very productive to talk about what you're going to do in the future - it comes out vague and highlights what you don't really know yet.

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Re: New Personal Statement Draft - This Time Featuring Sharks! Please Tell Me Your Thoughts - Blunt Opinions Appreciated

Postby Leviathan1 » Sun Oct 23, 2016 11:26 am

Too much telling. This is my revision:


As the iron cage dived below the sea level, a dark ocean flow dragged me down, wrapping around my wet suit and foggy goggles. The iron bar seemed so fragile against the unfathomable, dark backdrop. For the first time I sensed the triviality of humanity in front of nature. I kayak, fish, and sail, but none of the activities can put me so close to the sovereign of the sea world: sharks. I was waiting for the Leviathan to strike our iron cage. Nonetheless, a shark glanced at us and swam by. The Leviathan does not follow human expectation; it transcends and rules. Such is the law.

By EliWrite

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Re: New Personal Statement Draft - This Time Featuring Sharks! Please Tell Me Your Thoughts - Blunt Opinions Appreciated

Postby Pneumonia » Sun Oct 23, 2016 12:23 pm

Leviathan1 wrote:Too much telling. This is my revision:


As the iron cage dived below the sea level, a dark ocean flow dragged me down, wrapping around my wet suit and foggy goggles. The iron bar seemed so fragile against the unfathomable, dark backdrop. For the first time I sensed the triviality of humanity in front of nature. I kayak, fish, and sail, but none of the activities can put me so close to the sovereign of the sea world: sharks. I was waiting for the Leviathan to strike our iron cage. Nonetheless, a shark glanced at us and swam by. The Leviathan does not follow human expectation; it transcends and rules. Such is the law.

By EliWrite

Lol



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