First Serious Draft: Please Rip it to Shreds

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SNightHighlights

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First Serious Draft: Please Rip it to Shreds

Postby SNightHighlights » Mon Oct 17, 2016 1:08 am

My back aches. My forehead is sweating and I am hungry. It has been four hours since I started unpacking the boxes and I am still furiously at work on my project. It appears that I am finished. Everything is in place, and after hours of work it looks like it is finally time for me to see if my hard work has paid off. With baited breath I press the power button. I hear a single audible click and wait to see if I will scream in joy or agony. The chassis lights up, fans start cycling air, and most importantly - the boot menu appears on my computer monitor. I am successful. I have just succeeded in building my own desktop computer.

To many, computers are complex and mysterious. It is not uncommon for anyone using a computer to say a short prayer to whatever god they believe in in the hopes that the command they entered will be carried out correctly. What many people don’t know is that to the inquisitive individuals who have the desire to learn, computer can be simplified into an intricate but comprehensible system of interconnected parts all designed to communicate with each other and perform their own unique function in order to achieve the task that is commanded by the user. Computers are capable of functioning as a surprisingly compelling analogy to the law.
Much like the desktop computer; the legal industry is mysterious to the most. Just as someone will nod their head and pretend to know what they are talking about when asked a question about a computer, so too will people do the same for law. The difference here, however, is that one of those scenarios could have dire consequences for anyone foolish enough not to obtain access to a trained professional. There were many paths that I could have pursued, but I firmly believe that my skill set is best used in the legal industry. I thrive under pressure and in competitive environments, I want to earn a skill set that not only utilizes my strengths but also increases my personal and societal value. I have planned on attending law school for nearly a decade now. I am excited to begin my “real” schooling and to apply myself, and am excited by the prospect of facing challenges that I have never experienced before.

Law school has proven to be so firmly entrenched in my plans for my future that I have accelerated my undergraduate studies by one year and will be graduating with a bachelor's degree from a Big Ten university after a total three years of study. This was entirely intentional; I firmly believe that my time, money, and mental energy are best used in pursuit of a quality legal education and I want to begin that process as soon as is practically possible. This is an impactful and significant decision, and it will be life changing for me just as it is for many others.
Often, prospective law students are encouraged to take a “gap-year” to really think about why they want to go to law school. I have been thinking about why I want to attend law school for nearly a decade now and unlike many of my fellow candidates I do not have a flowing inspirational narrative that divinely guided me to the law school path. My reasons are simple: I am and have always been a natural problem solver. I am a “fixer”. I articulate well, negotiate well, and above all else do everything in my power to be the most credible person in the room. When I started building computers I had no idea what I was doing. I could not tell the difference between a processor and a can of shoe polish. But I practiced, researched, learned, and went from knowing almost nothing about that topic to managing the computer hardware and network of a high school campus that contains over 1200 computers.

Law school is the beginning of my end-game. I have always been inclined to challenge myself. I am not growing as a person if I am not solving new challenges and problems each and every day and I am beyond excited to begin my journey to become a practicing attorney. I know that the path I have chosen is challenging one, but I also know where I belong- and I have abundant faith that a legal education will put me where I need to be in life.

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Mr. Freeze

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Re: First Serious Draft: Please Rip it to Shreds

Postby Mr. Freeze » Mon Oct 17, 2016 5:40 am

I think you have a good base to work off here. Just a few things that stood out to me. The beginning sounds contrived. Like you're trying to create suspense where there isnt really any.

SNightHighlights wrote:My back aches. My forehead is sweating and I am hungry.


This leads me to think you are in a terrible situation. Maybe he's battling in Fallujah, or volunteering in Haiti..... no wait he's building a PC in his living room. Personally I would delete everything before "Everything is in place"

SNightHighlights wrote:I am excited to begin my “real” schooling and to apply myself


I hope your gpa is close to 4.0 otherwise I wouldn't brag how you believe you haven't started "real" schooling

SNightHighlights wrote:unlike many of my fellow candidates I do not have a flowing inspirational narrative that divinely guided me to the law school path.


I would rewrite this. Sounds condescending towards other applicants

SNightHighlights

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Re: First Serious Draft: Please Rip it to Shreds

Postby SNightHighlights » Mon Oct 17, 2016 12:08 pm

Ok that's awesome input. I wrote it at about three in the morning so I think my crankiness might have showed through a little bit. Those lines you pointed out definitely make me sound like an asshole haha. I'll be sure to soften them up or change them entirely. Thank you very much for the great input.

JazzyMac

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Re: First Serious Draft: Please Rip it to Shreds

Postby JazzyMac » Tue Oct 18, 2016 2:20 am

I read the first sentence, and tried to skim through to get past the paragraph as quickly as possible. But it was never ending!

Then I skimmed more paragraphs, and...yeah, boring. Next applicant's essay?

How about this? Computers are your thing it seems.

How are you like a computer?

Use the metaphors in the third paragraph and EXPOUND.

I'm here to help, so hopefully you can trash this essay and re-write. No, seriously...trash it.

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ashrice13

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Re: First Serious Draft: Please Rip it to Shreds

Postby ashrice13 » Tue Oct 18, 2016 6:38 am

I think this line also sounds condescending. I totally get what you're trying to say I just think you should reword it so it doesn't sound like people who don't know how computers work aren't inquisitive
"What many people don’t know is that to the inquisitive individuals who have the desire to learn, computer can be simplified "

I also think that this statement has a good base but isn't very personal. Some of it is...but a lot of it is just you repeating things from your resume (like graduating from a big ten university in 3 years). MS9 always says not to repeat things that could be found in your resume. In my PS I talked about taking time off from school so I get mentioning thing in your resume but they have to be part of a larger overarching story...I don't think it's generally advised to discuss why you're KJD for a whole half or full paragraph.

You could do something with the idea above and talk about how you're like a computer (you say you've always been a problem solver towards the end...that's an easy connection there). You can also just delve more into your interest in building computers and what that means to you. You can do whatever you want really but I definitely think this needs to be more about you as a person and less of you as an applicant....too much of this essay cones across as you trying to sell yourself to the adcomms. I mean, that's clearly what we're all doing but it seems that they usually want The personal story/experience to be the main point and the selling yourself to be the secondary point.

I also think that comparing computers and law because they are both mysterious is a really weak connection that seems really forced.

All in all your grammar is pretty good. You also have a good start...I really think building your own computer is a unique thing that could set you apart and make an interesting PS. I just think the focus should shift

SNightHighlights

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Re: First Serious Draft: Please Rip it to Shreds

Postby SNightHighlights » Thu Oct 20, 2016 1:44 am

Seriously amazing input guys. Thank you all so much. I'm definitely performing a comprehensive overhaul of this PS with everything you all said in mind.

JazzyMac

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Re: First Serious Draft: Please Rip it to Shreds

Postby JazzyMac » Sun Oct 30, 2016 8:28 pm

SNightHighlights wrote:Seriously amazing input guys. Thank you all so much. I'm definitely performing a comprehensive overhaul of this PS with everything you all said in mind.


Let me know if you need some assistance.

SNightHighlights

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Re: First Serious Draft: Please Rip it to Shreds

Postby SNightHighlights » Sun Oct 30, 2016 10:38 pm

I've actually completely reworked my PS and have submitted a more refined draft that I've had proofread by some TA's and professors here at school. Please definitely give it a look and provide me with anything that can be further refined or improved on it.

http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=270604&p=9622314#p9622314



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