Personal Statement - Critique Needed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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cieltan

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Personal Statement - Critique Needed

Postby cieltan » Sun Oct 16, 2016 6:59 pm

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Last edited by cieltan on Mon Oct 17, 2016 7:44 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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Mr. Archer

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Re: Personal Statement - Critique Needed

Postby Mr. Archer » Sun Oct 16, 2016 10:45 pm

The beginning is awkward by putting the time by itself even though it's not that important what time you woke up. It could have been 6:30AM or 5:58AM or 5:45AM, but it doesn't matter for the story. Also, where did you move out from? That doesn't fit with anything. The part about German immigrants shows what gave you a passion for public interest. But I'm not sure it needs to be in your personal statement. It sounds like there's a gap of a few years between this story and the teaching job. What in particular made you interested in teaching, as opposed to public interest in general? The description of your teaching job is vague and presents a rushed story. All it says is that students from immigrant families who live in poverty can be smart, and you wanted to teach in a way that benefitted your students, which is kind of what all teachers should do. The ending is also awkward in its message and phrasing.

Your statement will need a lot of revisions but it's not like you have to switch topics. You can probably find similar statements about teaching experiences like yours from people who participated in Americorps. Think about the phrasing you use. You're using a lot of flashy adjectives to tell the reader something, instead of describing a situation that shows the reader what you want to get across. This removes a lot of the action from you personal statement, and I don't learn a lot about you.

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cieltan

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Re: Personal Statement - Critique Needed

Postby cieltan » Mon Oct 17, 2016 12:23 am

Mr. Archer wrote:The beginning is awkward by putting the time by itself even though it's not that important what time you woke up. It could have been 6:30AM or 5:58AM or 5:45AM, but it doesn't matter for the story.


Removed.

Mr. Archer wrote:Also, where did you move out from? That doesn't fit with anything.


Removed a portion there prior to submitting because it gave a lot of personal information away. Sorry for the awkard transition there!

Mr. Archer wrote:The part about German immigrants shows what gave you a passion for public interest. But I'm not sure it needs to be in your personal statement.


The reason for the college portion was because I was going for a chronological growth but I can see your point in removing it as well.

Mr. Archer wrote:What in particular made you interested in teaching, as opposed to public interest in general? The description of your teaching job is vague and presents a rushed story. All it says is that students from immigrant families who live in poverty can be smart, and you wanted to teach in a way that benefitted your students, which is kind of what all teachers should do. The ending is also awkward in its message and phrasing.

Your statement will need a lot of revisions but it's not like you have to switch topics. You can probably find similar statements about teaching experiences like yours from people who participated in Americorps. Think about the phrasing you use. You're using a lot of flashy adjectives to tell the reader something, instead of describing a situation that shows the reader what you want to get across. This removes a lot of the action from you personal statement, and I don't learn a lot about you.


Thanks for the critique! Definitely going to think more on connecting the teaching versus public interest. I'll be sure to work on it more.
Last edited by cieltan on Mon Oct 17, 2016 7:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Mr. Archer

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Re: Personal Statement - Critique Needed

Postby Mr. Archer » Mon Oct 17, 2016 12:14 pm

No problem. I think the issue with the college portion is that you're telling two stories that are rushed. The college part could be it's own statement for graduate school, although I'm not sure it would make for a good law school statement. What you did was worthwhile, but it's not something that I connect with public interest. The teaching part gives a more direct connection to wanting to help people in need.



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