First draft here, who's willing to rip it apart?

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First draft here, who's willing to rip it apart?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Oct 06, 2016 11:09 am

Tear me up, y'all. Some personal info redacted. Looking to shorten it up a bit too. Thanks!


“Good luck, [name].” I stood there with my eyes wide in the corner of the concert hall, slowly pulling the cell phone away from my face. I had no training for this situation, and the doors open in fifteen minutes. I had thirteen coworkers staring at me with intense anxiousness, while I tried to hide the uncertainty on my face. For the first time, I was in charge, and had no one above me to help.

A friend of mine informed me about a job opportunity my freshman year of college. A music venue security company he worked for needed more employees in [city]. I thought my friend was crazy to ask me to apply. How could a 5’9”, 150 pound, 18-year-old like me be considered for a burly security job? He assured me that there were roles on the team that would fit someone of my smaller stature, so I applied. After all, I was in school to study entertainment business, and this would be a great hands-on experience for the background of the industry. My freshman self got excited thinking about the possibility of seeing free shows, too. Before I could even interview, I had navigate many challenges: background checks, getting fingerprinted, passing a character test, and obtaining a certification to be a licensed unarmed officer in the state of [state]. It seemed to put so much time into something that was a big 'if'. To my surprise, I got the job. I would be working backstage at music venues, checking passes and relaying requests from the artist’s manager to the rest of the security team. That was the only position I worked in for nearly two years, until my boss got in a car accident.

When I came in for work this particular night, it was strange that my boss wasn’t there; he was always highly regarded for his punctuality. Also, [artist] was playing; my boss loved to get there early for country acts! Thirty minutes before the doors opened to nearly a thousand fans, my boss called and said that he was in a car accident and couldn’t make it. The assistant manager was on vacation, and since I was the employee who had been with the company the longest, authority was passed on to me. I was pretty terrified. Every thought was running through my head. Will the older aged employees listen to me? What happens if there’s a violent incident? In that moment, I felt I had more responsibility than I have ever had in my entire life. I was in charge of the safety of a huge group of people and I couldn’t back down. I thought back to how my boss directed the employees and did my best to model that leadership from what I had observed. I quickly announced that the boss had put me in charge, delegated the workers to their familiar positions, checked in with the venue owners, and hoped that I had the perseverance to get through the night smoothly. Thankfully, there were no extreme incidences, and my leadership decisions helped me conquer the challenge of an relatively unknown situation.

Reminiscing on that moment in my life, it was more important and revealing than I originally made it out to be. I was a bit ignorant in my evaluation of the other roles on the team, thinking it was easy to just supervise and not do any of the dirty work. I was thrown into the role that I discredited, and due to my lack of acknowledgement, it nearly created a disaster. This moment taught me to respect others when not fully understanding their situation. More importantly, it was a part of my life that helped me realize first-hand that I shouldn’t doubt my ability to do something based on my stereotype of what a successful person in that role looks like. I believe I had the confidence and perseverance to be successful in my new job, and most people who know me personally would probably agree about my outgoing leadership potential. No matter how highly my friends think of me, there will always be moments in life where preconceived notions take over. I didn't look like what a security guard "should look like" to the audience and my coworkers, and the lack of respect I experienced after I was hired was a difficult challenge I hadn't faced before. Being thrown into the supervisor position gave me the opportunity to prove myself to them, and consequentially, prove it to myself. I'm thankful for the dilemma looking back, because I didn't have a choice, and had to act with my best version of myself. I had to step up and make the decisions, or a massive failure could occur. My achievement was fully dependent on my actions.

This event allowed me to transition from a mindset of doubting I could be capable, to knowing I could be capable. This mentality propelled me to many more achievements during my undergraduate years, including [some relevant accomplishments]. Prior to my security employment, there were more job rejections due to the attitude that people thought one thing of me and I found it difficult change that image. After my supervisor success, I went into every interview and new opportunity with the true belief that I had the potential they were looking for, I just had to work for it and show them myself. I never really thought of myself as a potential law student early on, though I always had an interest for the topic, especially the media, technology, and entertainment side. Well, I should say, I never really thought that others could picture me as one. Now, the time has come. Not to prove them wrong, but to prove to myself that I have the capabilities to succeed in something I love and offer my assistance to those who are going through issues bigger than mine. The night in the concert hall where I didn't have a choice whether to step up or not revealed to me that I always have a choice to succeed and beat stereotypes --- as long as I respect my abilities first.


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Re: First draft here, who's willing to rip it apart?

Postby kgm1990 » Fri Oct 07, 2016 1:48 pm

It's extremely wordy; close-word repetition of me/my is a real problem; you need to make the verb tenses constant throughout; embrace the definition of exposition; and you need to read this aloud for yourself.

By reducing the wordiness, focus on making the sentences more active:

"This event allowed me to transition from a mindset of doubting I could be capable, to knowing I could be capable."
"Through this event, I transitioned from doubting to relying.." blah blah something that cuts out the "could be" stuff.

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Re: First draft here, who's willing to rip it apart?

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Oct 07, 2016 2:13 pm


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