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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Please Delete

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Sep 28, 2016 7:46 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Oct 12, 2016 8:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Mr. Archer

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Re: Final (?) Personal Statement

Postby Mr. Archer » Wed Sep 28, 2016 9:39 pm

It's a really good start for your personal statement. Glad you have recovered form your car accident to get to this point.

Overall, you might want to think about shortening some of the sentences. For example, I don't think you need to use a dash to extend your sentence in the first paragraph. I think two short sentences packs a bigger punch.

You repeat thirty in the first paragraph accidentally. The second paragraph could be shortened. I'm not sure you need the description of the type of nightmare between the dashes. I think just saying you thought you were in some kind of nightmare you couldn't wake up from is enough. If you keep the description, you would need to work on cutting it down. It's a really long sentence that is hard to follow. The third sentence of third paragraph seems unnecessary. I think the same idea is captured in the previous sentence. Also, it might sound better to take out the "was" in "but was a new reality." The rest of the third paragraph is rushed. I think it might be stronger overall if the personal statement before that paragraph is shortened, allowing you to provide a better description of what happened to you and giving you a better connection to the next paragraph.

I think in the fourth paragraph you're trying to show that you had overcome your own injuries and now want to help those who have also faced injuries. That paragraph might be better if you started it about your desire to practice disability law. I'm not sure it's necessary to mention your father's work, unless you just make a comment about it in passing. Maybe you could say that watching your father has shown you the amount of work required to succeed in the practice of law (I'm not sure you also need to throw in law student) and that, given what you had to overcome after your car accident, you know you have the work ethic required for the job. I think you should actually write "less fortunate than me" instead of "I". The last sentence of the paragraph is good.

The last paragraph doesn't really go with the theme of your statement and sounds awkward overall. I don't think you should end with looking forward to visiting the school. It's a really weak ending to what could be a pretty emotional personal statement.

Good luck.

Anonymous User
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Re: Final (?) Personal Statement

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Sep 29, 2016 8:28 am

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Oct 12, 2016 8:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Mr. Archer

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Re: Final (?) Personal Statement

Postby Mr. Archer » Thu Sep 29, 2016 9:11 pm

It's a little better than before. I would suggest not sending out any more applications until you get it finalized. It's a really interesting topic, but the statement fizzles out at the end.

I think you still need to shorten everything up to where you start the sentence with "In all, I spent forty days..." When I read your statement, I'm more interested in everything past that part but right now it's really rushed. That part is really where you show everything you've overcome to get to where you are now. I also think you should move the part about starting a business up and tie it in to overcoming your injury. Right now, it's kind of thrown in and doesn't quite fit the overall theme the way it's written. It also reads a little like a resume' because it "tells" instead of "shows". There could be a whole personal statement about being a business owner.

The sentence about your father also feels thrown-in and doesn't do much right now. I think the sentence before it is a better concluding sentence that could also transition you into a paragraph about "Why [x]" or just a sentence about being honored to be a candidate for admission.

There's still some awkward wording throughout the statement. For example, "the kind of nightmare where one recognizes" doesn't sound right. Your writing should be formal but it can sound formal and intelligent while being more conversational. If you were telling this story in person, you would probably say, "the kind of nightmare where YOU recognize." Using "one" in that sentence just strikes me as weird, but that might just be me. Read the statement out loud and see how it sounds to you. Or, read it to someone out loud like it's a conversation and listen to how everything comes across.

My main suggestion in editing the statement would be to think about your central theme and see if everything helps drive the theme home. That will help you focus our writing. Also, if you are able to get your father or other attorneys to read the statement, you might as well take advantage of as much proofreading as possible and get different perspectives.

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Re: Final (?) Personal Statement

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Oct 10, 2016 10:50 am

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