Will you read my personal statement and give a quick critique?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2016 10:46 pm

Will you read my personal statement and give a quick critique?

Postby ZepedaBM » Mon Sep 26, 2016 11:01 pm

As my body nervously convulsed, I awaited the news that would change my life forever. With sweaty palms and a churning stomach, I stood as the jury returned with a verdict. The only recognizable word from the forewoman was…guilty. My cheeks grew flush and tears rolled over them. After two days of trial and eight hours of deliberation, I was guilty of a second degree felony at the age of 21.

As I took off the clothes that smelled exactly like my mother, I was scared that tomorrow was going to be the last time I could smell her. I hugged her shirt as the bailiff knocked on the door to shackle me once again and return the smell of my mother to her. As I returned to the county jail, I could do nothing but wallow in distain for myself. How could I allow this to happen? Why didn’t I just tell the police what happened that night? Who could have been more important than your freedom? My eyes fell heavier as my thoughts grew deeper of regret.

I was awakened the next morning by a guard who escorted me back to booking to await the second portion of my trial, the punishment phase. Again my mother brought me clothes that smelled of Downy and Vanilla Fields perfume. For the last three days, my body was physically tired from the uncontrollable nervous shaking. However, my nerves did not seem to take notice because as soon as I stood for the jury, it started again.

My character witnesses included: my mother, step-father and a two family friends. As the incident happened when I was 18 years old, they spoke of my childhood and years as a teenager. Although I was a hellion, they tried to highlight the better parts of my life like church camp, taking my ASVAB, wanting to be a nurse and how I was a loving happy child. This recollection of better memories upset me because while my family and I were at odds most of my life, at that moment, I missed them. I felt the love and worry they had for me and it hurt unlike anything else.

Again, I stood as the forewoman read aloud my sentencing. Except this time, I didn’t understand what she meant by two years TDCJ suspended for probation. My court appointed attorney turned and smiled. That was when I knew they had given me probation. I thanked every single juror and the forewoman told me on her way out to make it count. I remember her soft eyes as she looked at me. She was sincere. She saw something in me that I wouldn’t see for many more years down the road.

Since my trial in 2008, I have done nothing but prove myself worthy of my community’s trust and the trust of those who believe in me. This moment in my life truly turned me away from the poverty stricken path of self-loathing and despair. I refused to be nobody. I refused to let outside influences control my life. I made my transformation without a blink of an eye.

My resurrection started by working for my mother’s construction clean-up business. She treated me no different than the other employees, if anything she was a bit tougher on me. After moving from my mother’s home, I was accepted into the paralegal program at my local community college. I worked three jobs and maintained 15-18 hours of college. My very own trial is what ignited my passion for the law.

Within six years of my first day of class, I received four degrees and have become a part of my university’s community outreach efforts. I am an MBA Ambassador for Lamar University in Beaumont, Texas. I was invited to join a number of national honor societies and have received several scholarships based on my character and academic achievements. Every single day that I step foot into my graduate class, I am grateful and humbled to have the opportunity of higher education.

With a BBA in Human Resources Management and an AAS in Paralegal, my passion for the law intertwines with employment discrimination, immigration law and legal research and writing. I currently work as a paralegal for a distinguished law firm for the past four years. My firm knows about my felony and yet, they see past my prior downfall and taught me that I am not defined by what is on my record. I have to continuously push forward each day. I must set a precedent of who I want to be.

You see, I want to be proof to those that struggle with their moral compass that they too can alter their path. That the efforts of their actions do not go unnoticed. That they have a chance at education and that their circumstances do not define their future. I want the skeptics to know that troubled teens and young adults do not follow the nefarious paths intended for them.

Perseverance, integrity and character are what make a great person. Those who can emit these same qualities through their every action are great leaders.


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Re: Will you read my personal statement and give a quick critique?

Postby TragicBronson » Mon Sep 26, 2016 11:18 pm

Immediate thought: it places a strong and immediate emphasis on something that you don't want to talk too much about. C&F things, even if they were a turning point in your life, are best addressed succinctly and in as low-key of a way as possible within the C&F addendum only. In your PS, find a way to talk about the good things you've done since then (many of which are already included) through some other kind of lens.

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