**UPDATED OP** Please critique my PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ggnobbq

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**UPDATED OP** Please critique my PS

Postby ggnobbq » Sat Aug 27, 2016 4:46 pm

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Last edited by ggnobbq on Tue Oct 04, 2016 11:29 pm, edited 7 times in total.

TLSDookie

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Re: Drafted this up this morning

Postby TLSDookie » Sat Aug 27, 2016 5:22 pm

A) climbing a mountain is a super cliche metaphor. You can use it, but if you use it it should be worked in to why you're attending law school very well. I was rolling my eyes before I finished the first sentence, I can't imagine the reaction of people who read thousands of these statements.

B) Your personal statement has nothing to do with law school, you don't even connect it to law school until the final paragraph. Enjoying the feeling of accomplishment is not a reason to pursue a doctoral degree. Your personal statement won't make or break your app, but it should still give a compelling reason why you're willing to spend hundreds of hours reading the nuances of textbooks to practice law. That shouldn't be a vague, cliche excuse that could literally be applied to any possible goal, like enjoying the feeling of achieving a goal.

C) You have tons of run on sentences. Remove commas. Work on forming short and strong sentences. It is exhausting to read sentences that go on, and on, and on.

ggnobbq

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Re: Drafted this up this morning

Postby ggnobbq » Sat Aug 27, 2016 5:33 pm

I appreciate the feedback and will work on sentence structure. I actually posted the topic about a year ago and others disagreed with the cliche mountain metaphor since not many people shoot for 14kers, although theyre still anecdotal opinions. I'm an reapplicant and read on TLS that talking about why one wants to go to law school isn't necessary in a PS. Would you say this no longer holds true?

galadriel3019

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Re: Drafted this up this morning

Postby galadriel3019 » Sun Aug 28, 2016 2:25 pm

"The choice to stay CONTEMPT at reaching the top of the mountain"....


While I don't think a personal statement essay needs to center around why you want to go to law school, you can show how you are a strong candidate for law school. I didn't walk away learning anything about you that would help answer the question of why would you be a good fit. The last paragraph in fact I think detracts from that endeavor. It's vague and made you end on a less meaningful note.

ggnobbq

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Re: Drafted this up this morning

Postby ggnobbq » Wed Aug 31, 2016 11:23 pm

I edited my original post based on some of these critiques. thanks for the replies so far! I'm hoping to apply to schools tomorrow, so please leave feedback asap if at all possible. thanks again!

ggnobbq

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Re: Drafted this up this morning **Updated OP**

Postby ggnobbq » Thu Sep 01, 2016 12:16 am

.........
Last edited by ggnobbq on Thu Sep 01, 2016 12:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

ggnobbq

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Re: Drafted this up this morning **Updated OP**

Postby ggnobbq » Thu Sep 01, 2016 12:16 am

dub post my bad

ggnobbq

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Re: Drafted this up this morning **UPDATED OP**

Postby ggnobbq » Sun Oct 02, 2016 10:38 pm

bump for updated version



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