Personal Statement *UPDATED X4 in the comments*

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Personal Statement *UPDATED X4 in the comments*

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Jul 12, 2016 11:49 pm

Please let me know what you think of the PS. I add a paragraph to the end, tailored to the strengths of each particular school = so it is longer than this generic draft. Thanks

Personal Statement
On November 7, 2004 I was introduced to a level of adversity and perseverance that many do not have the opportunity to experience. What occurred on that day led to on-the-job training about how to overcome any obstacle that may come my way; I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident. I went from being a two sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. Through hard work, dedication, resiliency, and attending rehabilitative therapies for 4.5 years (up until the summer after my sophomore year), I have regained much of my physical ability, while shaping me into the person who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident, accompanied by a seven-day coma and a forty-day hospital stay, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. Following my graduation, I attended Penn State and completed 156 credits in 4.5 years, including being one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

Afterwards, I moved to New England and started a Multi-Level Marketing business with Herbalife Nutrition. I discovered how to operate a business by learning from my own failures and successes, along with attending numerous professional seminars and workshops. Within two years, my team of over 170 fellow distributors and coaches comprised a business within the top 5% of Herbalife International (a $6 billion company at the time).

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. I have a goal of following in my father’s footsteps and practicing in civil law, with a possible focus in disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Jul 18, 2016 5:43 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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Barack O'Drama

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Re: Personal Statement

Postby Barack O'Drama » Wed Jul 13, 2016 12:29 am

I like it, however, it seems a bit all over the place. Where it starts off is a good set up for a come back story; one of perseverance and resiliency. I was expecting it to sort of keep on that path--at least somewhat--and it seems to divulge a bit into an explanation of your resume. Perhaps there is a better way to tie in how you injury led you to do those awesome things?

Good start though!
Last edited by Barack O'Drama on Fri Jan 26, 2018 8:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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34iplaw

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Re: Personal Statement

Postby 34iplaw » Wed Jul 13, 2016 1:36 am

Barack O'Drama wrote:I like it, however, it seems a bit all over the place. Where it starts off is a good set up for a come back story; one of perseverance and resiliency. I was expecting it to sort of keep on that path--at least somewhat--and it seems to divulge a bit into an explanation of your resume. Perhaps there is a better way to tie in how you injury led you to do those awesome things?

Good start though!


I agree with this. I do think you need a good amount of work still. I think you should talk more about your recovery and the lessons you learned during it or use your recovery as a vehicle or everything else. The resume stuff is boring and unnecessary IMO. I will say that I think you'll be fine in the end, as you seem to have a fairly good grip of wording... primarily at the very end when you state that 29 year old you is a better candidate than 23 year old you rather than diminishing other applicants directly. Other PS's I've seen on here far too often make comparisons' between themselves and others in a diminutive way which is inappropriate for a PS, IMO.

I actually need to look into this a bit, but, supposedly, you can write a diversity statement when you are an older applicant. Now, I think 29 probably is maybe a bit young for what they actually have in mind with this, but I'd look into this. I probably will...as I'm a touch younger than you and am unsure as to whether me writing a diversity statement would be really...odd?

galadriel3019

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Re: Personal Statement

Postby galadriel3019 » Wed Jul 13, 2016 4:01 am

I think your opening sets you up for a really strong personal statement, but the following paragraphs let you down a bit.

1) The middle paragraphs read a bit like a resume. Your accomplishments at Penn State and with your company should be reflected in your resume, and don't really need repeating in a personal statement.

2) I winced a little at the comment about following in your father's footsteps. In your essay it sounds a bit like your only exposure to law is through your dad, and that doesn't come across as a compelling reason you want to be a lawyer. Your tie in to disability law has somewhat of a connection to your opening paragraph, but would need to be made much stronger.

3) Overall this essay felt kind of short, with only a few sentences to each paragraph. Maybe it's just the weird formatting of TLS. But I'd take another pass at this and really try to reveal more of your journey post accident and how that shaped who you are/possibly inspired you to become a lawyer.

Good luck!

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Re: Personal Statement

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Jul 13, 2016 12:19 pm

galadriel3019 wrote:I think your opening sets you up for a really strong personal statement, but the following paragraphs let you down a bit.

1) The middle paragraphs read a bit like a resume. Your accomplishments at Penn State and with your company should be reflected in your resume, and don't really need repeating in a personal statement.

2) I winced a little at the comment about following in your father's footsteps. In your essay it sounds a bit like your only exposure to law is through your dad, and that doesn't come across as a compelling reason you want to be a lawyer. Your tie in to disability law has somewhat of a connection to your opening paragraph, but would need to be made much stronger.

3) Overall this essay felt kind of short, with only a few sentences to each paragraph. Maybe it's just the weird formatting of TLS. But I'd take another pass at this and really try to reveal more of your journey post accident and how that shaped who you are/possibly inspired you to become a lawyer.

Good luck!

Thank you. The resume stuff s included for a reason (obviously, I didn't do a good job in showing that reason): I experienced a severe Traumatic Brain Injury, which I didn't mention for fear of a stigma attached to a TBI and strenuous academics. I wanted to mention that I had accomplished so much, academically at college, so they could know I am still very capable at succeeding in law school.

I mentioned the MLM biz bit bc the probability of successfully doing what I have done is VERY slim... it's another example of me doing what others told me I cannot do, and walking triumphantly when everyone telling me it's a pipe-dream (wow did I ever have to block out the naysayers)

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Re: Personal Statement

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Jul 13, 2016 2:48 pm

Ok, I tweaked it a bit (and lengthened it too). Please tell me what you think of the changes:

Personal Statement
On November 7, 2004 I was introduced to a level of adversity and perseverance that many do not have the opportunity to experience. What occurred on that day led to on-the-job training about how to overcome any obstacle that may come my way; I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident. I went from being a two sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. Through hard work, dedication, resiliency, and attending rehabilitative therapies for 4.5 years (up until the summer after my sophomore year), I have regained much of my physical ability, while shaping me into the person who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, accompanied by a seven-day coma and a forty-day hospital stay, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My undergraduate career was met with further adversity, in which I learned how to separate personal life from professional life. Rather than allowing circumstances to dictate one’s future and success, I learned that true success is facing unfortunate circumstances, separating personal events from academic demands, and walking triumphantly to the other side. During the early morning of September 7, 2007 I received a text message asking if I had talked to my roommate recently, after he suddenly left his girlfriend. I opened up my dorm-room door, only to find my roommate in the immediate aftermath of successfully taking his own life. His memory, and his family, help me push myself to conquer difficult circumstances and achieve my goals.

One of these goals was to use my entrepreneurial mindset and create my own business. After Penn State, I became increasingly involved with a nutrition and supplementation, network marketing company called Herbalife International. Through my own failures and successes, I learned how to successfully operate a sustainable home-based business. One of the major roadblocks faced by anyone in sales, or network marketing, is developing the mental strength to deal with an overwhelming sense of rejection. Through reading countless books and attending seminars, I learned how to keep a positive mindset, despite any stress or circumstance that may come along. Within two years, my team of over 170 fellow distributors and coaches comprised a business within the top 5% of Herbalife International (a $6 billion company at the time).

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.

galadriel3019

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Re: Personal Statement

Postby galadriel3019 » Thu Jul 14, 2016 1:07 am

Yep, and that is important information to include… But that doesn't mean it needs to be in your personal statement. I think you would serve yourself better by having those as noteworthy bulletpoints on your resume under job (or awards or however you want to organize it). But it's jarring reading your personal statement about overcoming adversity and then hearing a resume summary. That doesn't mean you can't talk about your job at all in your resume, but right now the way it reads is distracting.




Anonymous User wrote:
galadriel3019 wrote:I think your opening sets you up for a really strong personal statement, but the following paragraphs let you down a bit.

1) The middle paragraphs read a bit like a resume. Your accomplishments at Penn State and with your company should be reflected in your resume, and don't really need repeating in a personal statement.

2) I winced a little at the comment about following in your father's footsteps. In your essay it sounds a bit like your only exposure to law is through your dad, and that doesn't come across as a compelling reason you want to be a lawyer. Your tie in to disability law has somewhat of a connection to your opening paragraph, but would need to be made much stronger.

3) Overall this essay felt kind of short, with only a few sentences to each paragraph. Maybe it's just the weird formatting of TLS. But I'd take another pass at this and really try to reveal more of your journey post accident and how that shaped who you are/possibly inspired you to become a lawyer.

Good luck!

Thank you. The resume stuff s included for a reason (obviously, I didn't do a good job in showing that reason): I experienced a severe Traumatic Brain Injury, which I didn't mention for fear of a stigma attached to a TBI and strenuous academics. I wanted to mention that I had accomplished so much, academically at college, so they could know I am still very capable at succeeding in law school.

I mentioned the MLM biz bit bc the probability of successfully doing what I have done is VERY slim... it's another example of me doing what others told me I cannot do, and walking triumphantly when everyone telling me it's a pipe-dream (wow did I ever have to block out the naysayers)

galadriel3019

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Re: Personal Statement

Postby galadriel3019 » Thu Jul 14, 2016 1:13 am

It's helpful that you provided slightly more background on your injury… But in addition to the points I made above which I think strongly ring true, the turn towards your roommates suicide I really do not think works. You mention it in passing in a few short sentences, without really delving into how the experience actually made you a better student, worker, etc. Saying you learned how to separate personal life from professional life isn't really illustrated, you just say it.

You have clearly experienced major obstacles in your life, and you have quite a story to tell about overcoming it. I'd just encourage you to look more closely about how you are telling it. Right now there's a lot of written out bullet points, this happened, this happened, I did this at penn state and then that at work, and my dad's a lawyer. Explore these experiences and ideas more.





Anonymous User wrote:Ok, I tweaked it a bit (and lengthened it too). Please tell me what you think of the changes:

Personal Statement
On November 7, 2004 I was introduced to a level of adversity and perseverance that many do not have the opportunity to experience. What occurred on that day led to on-the-job training about how to overcome any obstacle that may come my way; I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident. I went from being a two sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. Through hard work, dedication, resiliency, and attending rehabilitative therapies for 4.5 years (up until the summer after my sophomore year), I have regained much of my physical ability, while shaping me into the person who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, accompanied by a seven-day coma and a forty-day hospital stay, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My undergraduate career was met with further adversity, in which I learned how to separate personal life from professional life. Rather than allowing circumstances to dictate one’s future and success, I learned that true success is facing unfortunate circumstances, separating personal events from academic demands, and walking triumphantly to the other side. During the early morning of September 7, 2007 I received a text message asking if I had talked to my roommate recently, after he suddenly left his girlfriend. I opened up my dorm-room door, only to find my roommate in the immediate aftermath of successfully taking his own life. His memory, and his family, help me push myself to conquer difficult circumstances and achieve my goals.

One of these goals was to use my entrepreneurial mindset and create my own business. After Penn State, I became increasingly involved with a nutrition and supplementation, network marketing company called Herbalife International. Through my own failures and successes, I learned how to successfully operate a sustainable home-based business. One of the major roadblocks faced by anyone in sales, or network marketing, is developing the mental strength to deal with an overwhelming sense of rejection. Through reading countless books and attending seminars, I learned how to keep a positive mindset, despite any stress or circumstance that may come along. Within two years, my team of over 170 fellow distributors and coaches comprised a business within the top 5% of Herbalife International (a $6 billion company at the time).

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.

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Re: Personal Statement

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Jul 15, 2016 2:05 am

galadriel3019 wrote:It's helpful that you provided slightly more background on your injury… But in addition to the points I made above which I think strongly ring true, the turn towards your roommates suicide I really do not think works. You mention it in passing in a few short sentences, without really delving into how the experience actually made you a better student, worker, etc. Saying you learned how to separate personal life from professional life isn't really illustrated, you just say it.

You have clearly experienced major obstacles in your life, and you have quite a story to tell about overcoming it. I'd just encourage you to look more closely about how you are telling it. Right now there's a lot of written out bullet points, this happened, this happened, I did this at penn state and then that at work, and my dad's a lawyer. Explore these experiences and ideas more.





Anonymous User wrote:Ok, I tweaked it a bit (and lengthened it too). Please tell me what you think of the changes:

Personal Statement
On November 7, 2004 I was introduced to a level of adversity and perseverance that many do not have the opportunity to experience. What occurred on that day led to on-the-job training about how to overcome any obstacle that may come my way; I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident. I went from being a two sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. Through hard work, dedication, resiliency, and attending rehabilitative therapies for 4.5 years (up until the summer after my sophomore year), I have regained much of my physical ability, while shaping me into the person who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, accompanied by a seven-day coma and a forty-day hospital stay, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My undergraduate career was met with further adversity, in which I learned how to separate personal life from professional life. Rather than allowing circumstances to dictate one’s future and success, I learned that true success is facing unfortunate circumstances, separating personal events from academic demands, and walking triumphantly to the other side. During the early morning of September 7, 2007 I received a text message asking if I had talked to my roommate recently, after he suddenly left his girlfriend. I opened up my dorm-room door, only to find my roommate in the immediate aftermath of successfully taking his own life. His memory, and his family, help me push myself to conquer difficult circumstances and achieve my goals.

One of these goals was to use my entrepreneurial mindset and create my own business. After Penn State, I became increasingly involved with a nutrition and supplementation, network marketing company called Herbalife International. Through my own failures and successes, I learned how to successfully operate a sustainable home-based business. One of the major roadblocks faced by anyone in sales, or network marketing, is developing the mental strength to deal with an overwhelming sense of rejection. Through reading countless books and attending seminars, I learned how to keep a positive mindset, despite any stress or circumstance that may come along. Within two years, my team of over 170 fellow distributors and coaches comprised a business within the top 5% of Herbalife International (a $6 billion company at the time).

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.


Thank you, I'll keep trying. I guess I don't understand really how to do a PS and not make it a few bullet points

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Re: Personal Statement

Postby lavarman84 » Sat Jul 16, 2016 12:05 am

Anonymous User wrote:
galadriel3019 wrote:It's helpful that you provided slightly more background on your injury… But in addition to the points I made above which I think strongly ring true, the turn towards your roommates suicide I really do not think works. You mention it in passing in a few short sentences, without really delving into how the experience actually made you a better student, worker, etc. Saying you learned how to separate personal life from professional life isn't really illustrated, you just say it.

You have clearly experienced major obstacles in your life, and you have quite a story to tell about overcoming it. I'd just encourage you to look more closely about how you are telling it. Right now there's a lot of written out bullet points, this happened, this happened, I did this at penn state and then that at work, and my dad's a lawyer. Explore these experiences and ideas more.





Anonymous User wrote:Ok, I tweaked it a bit (and lengthened it too). Please tell me what you think of the changes:

Personal Statement
On November 7, 2004 I was introduced to a level of adversity and perseverance that many do not have the opportunity to experience. What occurred on that day led to on-the-job training about how to overcome any obstacle that may come my way; I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident. I went from being a two sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. Through hard work, dedication, resiliency, and attending rehabilitative therapies for 4.5 years (up until the summer after my sophomore year), I have regained much of my physical ability, while shaping me into the person who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, accompanied by a seven-day coma and a forty-day hospital stay, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My undergraduate career was met with further adversity, in which I learned how to separate personal life from professional life. Rather than allowing circumstances to dictate one’s future and success, I learned that true success is facing unfortunate circumstances, separating personal events from academic demands, and walking triumphantly to the other side. During the early morning of September 7, 2007 I received a text message asking if I had talked to my roommate recently, after he suddenly left his girlfriend. I opened up my dorm-room door, only to find my roommate in the immediate aftermath of successfully taking his own life. His memory, and his family, help me push myself to conquer difficult circumstances and achieve my goals.

One of these goals was to use my entrepreneurial mindset and create my own business. After Penn State, I became increasingly involved with a nutrition and supplementation, network marketing company called Herbalife International. Through my own failures and successes, I learned how to successfully operate a sustainable home-based business. One of the major roadblocks faced by anyone in sales, or network marketing, is developing the mental strength to deal with an overwhelming sense of rejection. Through reading countless books and attending seminars, I learned how to keep a positive mindset, despite any stress or circumstance that may come along. Within two years, my team of over 170 fellow distributors and coaches comprised a business within the top 5% of Herbalife International (a $6 billion company at the time).

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.


Thank you, I'll keep trying. I guess I don't understand really how to do a PS and not make it a few bullet points


I think he's saying that there should be an overarching theme and flow to the story. Right now, it seems like you're telling the story of your life. And that's part of what the personal statement is. But your entire life story isn't necessary. Your injury is a really rare experience. I might focus on that and your passion for disability law. That would give you a unique story with a consistent theme. Other things are worth mentioning, such as your father being an attorney since it is a reason why you want to pursue law, but if something doesn't mesh with your theme, I'd drop it.

They will have your resume, so they'll have some of this information. You don't have to hit every point in your life. The point of a personal statement is to show you can write effectively and to highlight something unique about you that makes you attractive as a candidate.

You do have a lot of unique experiences but trying to cover all of them ends up with you jumping around a lot. That makes it hard for you to stick to a single theme, and it keeps the story from flowing as smoothly.

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Re: Personal Statement *UPDATED in the comments*

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Jul 16, 2016 11:03 am

Ok, I removed the paragraph about my business and modified the paragraph about my roommate's suicide. This PS is definitely a work in progress, but what do you think about it now? Should I just totally scrap the roommate paragraph? Thanks

Personal Statement
On November 7, 2004 I was introduced to a level of adversity and perseverance that many do not have the opportunity to experience. What occurred on that day led to on-the-job training about how to overcome any obstacle that may come my way; I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident. I went from being a two sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. Through hard work, dedication, resiliency, and attending rehabilitative therapies for 4.5 years (up until the summer after my sophomore year), I have regained much of my physical ability, while shaping me into the person who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, accompanied by a seven-day coma and a forty-day hospital stay, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My undergraduate career was met with further adversity, in which I learned how to separate personal life from professional life. Rather than allowing circumstances to dictate one’s future and success, I learned that true success is facing unfortunate circumstances, separating personal events from academic demands, and walking triumphantly to the other side. During the early morning of September 7, 2007 I received a text message asking if I had talked to my roommate recently, after he suddenly left his girlfriend. I opened up my dorm-room door, only to find my roommate in the immediate aftermath of successfully taking his own life. In order to complete that semester with a respectable GPA, given the circumstances, I had to separate the many events that were happening in my personal life, originating from that incident, with what was expected out of me in my professional/academic life. This is a very important attribute to have throughout law school and as a practicing attorney – the ability to not let personal circumstances interfere with professional duties, since one can never predict exactly how life will turn out. The struggle and triumph that I was in the midst of from my car accident helped me to keep a level-head, and have confidence that I could persevere and succeed despite any adversity that was to come.

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.

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kgm1990

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Posts: 95
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Re: Personal Statement *UPDATED in the comments*

Postby kgm1990 » Sat Jul 16, 2016 2:40 pm

Okay, so take what you read with a grain of salt, but the first sentence really bugs me. "A level of adversity (...) many do not have the opportunity to experience." It feels clunky because the word 'opportunity' knocks the narrative flow. Followed by "I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident" doesn't help. "Very serious" fails to advance the narrative almost as much as "life-altering" because they are vague statements; your essay tends to use these phrases, drowning out your personal voice. I think you could benefit from just writing what you remember, in a story format, and then devoting a paragraph or two to what you think the reader should take away from it. Ultimately, it's hard to get a sense of who you are from this essay because you're telling the reader 'this is what I want you to believe,' but you're not giving them more evidence than conclusions to really do that. But your story is a powerful one, and I bet the writing can be improved to show it. It's seriously just a matter of writing out your story in a way that leads the reader to think 'yeah, this person is resilient' before you ever say 'I'm resilient.'

So I went and underlined the points I thought you should focus on beefing up and creating a narrative with. These were the points that were clearly powerful moments, but are buried and should stand out.



Anonymous User wrote:\
Personal Statement
On November 7, 2004 I was introduced to a level of adversity and perseverance that many do not have the opportunity to experience. What occurred on that day led to on-the-job training about how to overcome any obstacle that may come my way; I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident. I went from being a two sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. Through hard work, dedication, resiliency, and attending rehabilitative therapies for 4.5 years (up until the summer after my sophomore year), I have regained much of my physical ability, while shaping me into the person who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, accompanied by a seven-day coma and a forty-day hospital stay, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My undergraduate career was met with further adversity, in which I learned how to separate personal life from professional life. Rather than allowing circumstances to dictate one’s future and success, I learned that true success is facing unfortunate circumstances, separating personal events from academic demands, and walking triumphantly to the other side. During the early morning of September 7, 2007 I received a text message asking if I had talked to my roommate recently, after he suddenly left his girlfriend. I opened up my dorm-room door, only to find my roommate in the immediate aftermath of successfully taking his own life. In order to complete that semester with a respectable GPA, given the circumstances, I had to separate the many events that were happening in my personal life, originating from that incident, with what was expected out of me in my professional/academic life. This is a very important attribute to have throughout law school and as a practicing attorney – the ability to not let personal circumstances interfere with professional duties, since one can never predict exactly how life will turn out. The struggle and triumph that I was in the midst of from my car accident helped me to keep a level-head, and have confidence that I could persevere and succeed despite any adversity that was to come.

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.

Anonymous User
Posts: 309327
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement *UPDATED in the comments*

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Jul 16, 2016 3:35 pm

kgm1990 wrote:Okay, so take what you read with a grain of salt, but the first sentence really bugs me. "A level of adversity (...) many do not have the opportunity to experience." It feels clunky because the word 'opportunity' knocks the narrative flow. Followed by "I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident" doesn't help. "Very serious" fails to advance the narrative almost as much as "life-altering" because they are vague statements; your essay tends to use these phrases, drowning out your personal voice. I think you could benefit from just writing what you remember, in a story format, and then devoting a paragraph or two to what you think the reader should take away from it. Ultimately, it's hard to get a sense of who you are from this essay because you're telling the reader 'this is what I want you to believe,' but you're not giving them more evidence than conclusions to really do that. But your story is a powerful one, and I bet the writing can be improved to show it. It's seriously just a matter of writing out your story in a way that leads the reader to think 'yeah, this person is resilient' before you ever say 'I'm resilient.'

So I went and underlined the points I thought you should focus on beefing up and creating a narrative with. These were the points that were clearly powerful moments, but are buried and should stand out.



Anonymous User wrote:\
Personal Statement
On November 7, 2004 I was introduced to a level of adversity and perseverance that many do not have the opportunity to experience. What occurred on that day led to on-the-job training about how to overcome any obstacle that may come my way; I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident. I went from being a two sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. Through hard work, dedication, resiliency, and attending rehabilitative therapies for 4.5 years (up until the summer after my sophomore year), I have regained much of my physical ability, while shaping me into the person who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, accompanied by a seven-day coma and a forty-day hospital stay, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My undergraduate career was met with further adversity, in which I learned how to separate personal life from professional life. Rather than allowing circumstances to dictate one’s future and success, I learned that true success is facing unfortunate circumstances, separating personal events from academic demands, and walking triumphantly to the other side. During the early morning of September 7, 2007 I received a text message asking if I had talked to my roommate recently, after he suddenly left his girlfriend. I opened up my dorm-room door, only to find my roommate in the immediate aftermath of successfully taking his own life. In order to complete that semester with a respectable GPA, given the circumstances, I had to separate the many events that were happening in my personal life, originating from that incident, with what was expected out of me in my professional/academic life. This is a very important attribute to have throughout law school and as a practicing attorney – the ability to not let personal circumstances interfere with professional duties, since one can never predict exactly how life will turn out. The struggle and triumph that I was in the midst of from my car accident helped me to keep a level-head, and have confidence that I could persevere and succeed despite any adversity that was to come.

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.

Thank you, I really appreciate you for taking the time to do all of that. I guess the reason I can't expound on the accident is bc I have post-traumatic amnesia surrounding it. I remember stopping at a gas station getting a Jones Soda, and then the next thing that I remember is 30-35 days later, lying in a hospital bed, in absolute denial of what happened. I truly thought that I had a horrible nightmare and was telling others that I had a nightmare, totally not realizing that it was real life. I thought EVERYRHING was a dream and I'm told that I kept telling ppl to wake me up.

User avatar
kgm1990

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Posts: 95
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Re: Personal Statement *UPDATED in the comments*

Postby kgm1990 » Sat Jul 16, 2016 4:00 pm

Not a problem! What you just wrote is a great way to think about writing the p.s.: a descriptive story. I can't wait to see what you do with this.

Anonymous User wrote:
kgm1990 wrote:Okay, so take what you read with a grain of salt, but the first sentence really bugs me. "A level of adversity (...) many do not have the opportunity to experience." It feels clunky because the word 'opportunity' knocks the narrative flow. Followed by "I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident" doesn't help. "Very serious" fails to advance the narrative almost as much as "life-altering" because they are vague statements; your essay tends to use these phrases, drowning out your personal voice. I think you could benefit from just writing what you remember, in a story format, and then devoting a paragraph or two to what you think the reader should take away from it. Ultimately, it's hard to get a sense of who you are from this essay because you're telling the reader 'this is what I want you to believe,' but you're not giving them more evidence than conclusions to really do that. But your story is a powerful one, and I bet the writing can be improved to show it. It's seriously just a matter of writing out your story in a way that leads the reader to think 'yeah, this person is resilient' before you ever say 'I'm resilient.'

So I went and underlined the points I thought you should focus on beefing up and creating a narrative with. These were the points that were clearly powerful moments, but are buried and should stand out.



Anonymous User wrote:\
Personal Statement
On November 7, 2004 I was introduced to a level of adversity and perseverance that many do not have the opportunity to experience. What occurred on that day led to on-the-job training about how to overcome any obstacle that may come my way; I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident. I went from being a two sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. Through hard work, dedication, resiliency, and attending rehabilitative therapies for 4.5 years (up until the summer after my sophomore year), I have regained much of my physical ability, while shaping me into the person who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, accompanied by a seven-day coma and a forty-day hospital stay, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My undergraduate career was met with further adversity, in which I learned how to separate personal life from professional life. Rather than allowing circumstances to dictate one’s future and success, I learned that true success is facing unfortunate circumstances, separating personal events from academic demands, and walking triumphantly to the other side. During the early morning of September 7, 2007 I received a text message asking if I had talked to my roommate recently, after he suddenly left his girlfriend. I opened up my dorm-room door, only to find my roommate in the immediate aftermath of successfully taking his own life. In order to complete that semester with a respectable GPA, given the circumstances, I had to separate the many events that were happening in my personal life, originating from that incident, with what was expected out of me in my professional/academic life. This is a very important attribute to have throughout law school and as a practicing attorney – the ability to not let personal circumstances interfere with professional duties, since one can never predict exactly how life will turn out. The struggle and triumph that I was in the midst of from my car accident helped me to keep a level-head, and have confidence that I could persevere and succeed despite any adversity that was to come.

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.

Thank you, I really appreciate you for taking the time to do all of that. I guess the reason I can't expound on the accident is bc I have post-traumatic amnesia surrounding it. I remember stopping at a gas station getting a Jones Soda, and then the next thing that I remember is 30-35 days later, lying in a hospital bed, in absolute denial of what happened. I truly thought that I had a horrible nightmare and was telling others that I had a nightmare, totally not realizing that it was real life. I thought EVERYRHING was a dream and I'm told that I kept telling ppl to wake me up.

Anonymous User
Posts: 309327
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement *UPDATED in the comments*

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Jul 16, 2016 5:02 pm

kgm1990 wrote:Not a problem! What you just wrote is a great way to think about writing the p.s.: a descriptive story. I can't wait to see what you do with this.

Anonymous User wrote:
kgm1990 wrote:Okay, so take what you read with a grain of salt, but the first sentence really bugs me. "A level of adversity (...) many do not have the opportunity to experience." It feels clunky because the word 'opportunity' knocks the narrative flow. Followed by "I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident" doesn't help. "Very serious" fails to advance the narrative almost as much as "life-altering" because they are vague statements; your essay tends to use these phrases, drowning out your personal voice. I think you could benefit from just writing what you remember, in a story format, and then devoting a paragraph or two to what you think the reader should take away from it. Ultimately, it's hard to get a sense of who you are from this essay because you're telling the reader 'this is what I want you to believe,' but you're not giving them more evidence than conclusions to really do that. But your story is a powerful one, and I bet the writing can be improved to show it. It's seriously just a matter of writing out your story in a way that leads the reader to think 'yeah, this person is resilient' before you ever say 'I'm resilient.'

So I went and underlined the points I thought you should focus on beefing up and creating a narrative with. These were the points that were clearly powerful moments, but are buried and should stand out.



Anonymous User wrote:\
Personal Statement
On November 7, 2004 I was introduced to a level of adversity and perseverance that many do not have the opportunity to experience. What occurred on that day led to on-the-job training about how to overcome any obstacle that may come my way; I was involved in a very serious, life-altering automobile accident. I went from being a two sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. Through hard work, dedication, resiliency, and attending rehabilitative therapies for 4.5 years (up until the summer after my sophomore year), I have regained much of my physical ability, while shaping me into the person who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, accompanied by a seven-day coma and a forty-day hospital stay, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My undergraduate career was met with further adversity, in which I learned how to separate personal life from professional life. Rather than allowing circumstances to dictate one’s future and success, I learned that true success is facing unfortunate circumstances, separating personal events from academic demands, and walking triumphantly to the other side. During the early morning of September 7, 2007 I received a text message asking if I had talked to my roommate recently, after he suddenly left his girlfriend. I opened up my dorm-room door, only to find my roommate in the immediate aftermath of successfully taking his own life. In order to complete that semester with a respectable GPA, given the circumstances, I had to separate the many events that were happening in my personal life, originating from that incident, with what was expected out of me in my professional/academic life. This is a very important attribute to have throughout law school and as a practicing attorney – the ability to not let personal circumstances interfere with professional duties, since one can never predict exactly how life will turn out. The struggle and triumph that I was in the midst of from my car accident helped me to keep a level-head, and have confidence that I could persevere and succeed despite any adversity that was to come.

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.

Thank you, I really appreciate you for taking the time to do all of that. I guess the reason I can't expound on the accident is bc I have post-traumatic amnesia surrounding it. I remember stopping at a gas station getting a Jones Soda, and then the next thing that I remember is 30-35 days later, lying in a hospital bed, in absolute denial of what happened. I truly thought that I had a horrible nightmare and was telling others that I had a nightmare, totally not realizing that it was real life. I thought EVERYRHING was a dream and I'm told that I kept telling ppl to wake me up.

Ok, what beginning do you feel is best for this PS:

The first paragraph in the PS that I previously posted.

OR

This:

On November 7, 2004 I attended a men’s basketball pre-season exhibition game between the Penn State Nittany Lions and East Stroudsburg University. Penn State was victorious, as was expected. I left the game, jumped in my car, and began the one-hour voyage back to my parents’ house in North-Central Pennsylvania. Before entering the highway, I decided to stop at a gas station and convenience store, called “Sheetz”, to fill up my gas tank and purchase a Jones Soda. I’m sure that soda was refreshing, but I do not remember drinking it – the next thing I remember was lying on a hospital bed 30-35 days later.

I was in a state of total confusion. I remember people talking about a car accident, but I really could not understand what was being said. I was in complete denial and thought that everything was some type of nightmare – the kind of nightmare where you recognize that you are amidst a nightmare and know that the killer lurking downstairs is just a figment of your own imagination and not real. The kind of nightmare where you are conscious and can open your eyes and end the horror at any time. I thought that I was in that kind of nightmare, but no matter how many times I would open my eyes, nothing ever changed.

My loving parents brought me a laptop computer to use while in my bed. I downloaded AOL Instant Messenger and logged onto my screen name. Shortly after signing on, I was flooded with messages from my friends, ecstatic that I was doing well enough to be on the internet. One of my friends, Brittany Metzger, was among those who messaged me. I decided to tell her about this horrible nightmare that I had. “I was in a car accident in this nightmare,” I said.

“…Brian, please call me,” she said, speechless about how to handle this situation.

It was at that point when it began to hit me that this was not some kind of morbid dream, but this was a new reality. This was my new life, this was going to be another obstacle to hurdle and overcome. I found out that I had sustained a severe Traumatic Brain Injury, was life-flighted from the scene, and spent 10 days in a coma (the first night on life-support). In all, I spent 40 days in the hospital and up to 4.5 years in rehabilitative therapies (up until the summer after my sophomore year in college). I went from being a 2-3 sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. I have since regained much of my physical ability, after becoming engulfed in the fitness industry to help aid in my recovery. If I could go back, I would not trade it for a more mundane or stereotypical life, as the resiliency, persistency, and determination that this forced me to develop has shaped and molded me into who I am today.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Jul 17, 2016 12:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
Posts: 309327
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement *UPDATEDX2 in the comments*

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Jul 16, 2016 5:12 pm

Here would be my NEW PS. Which one should I go with to work on more? This one of the one I posted previously (my 2nd one)? Thanks:

Personal Statement

On November 7, 2004 I attended a men’s basketball pre-season exhibition game between the Penn State Nittany Lions and East Stroudsburg University. Penn State was victorious, as was expected. I left the game, jumped in my car, and began the one-hour voyage back to my parents’ house in North-Central Pennsylvania. Before entering the highway, I decided to stop at a gas station and convenience store, called “Sheetz”, to fill up my gas tank and purchase a Jones Soda. I’m sure that soda was refreshing, but I do not remember drinking it – the next thing I remember was lying on a hospital bed 30-35 days later.

I was in a state of total confusion. I remember people talking about a car accident, but I really could not understand what was being said. I was in complete denial and thought that everything was some type of nightmare – the kind of nightmare where you recognize that you are amidst a nightmare and know that the killer lurking downstairs is just a figment of your own imagination and not real. The kind of nightmare where you are conscious and can open your eyes and end the horror at any time. I thought that I was in that kind of nightmare, but no matter how many times I would open my eyes, nothing ever changed.

My loving parents brought me a laptop computer to use while in my bed. I downloaded AOL Instant Messenger and logged onto my screen name. Shortly after signing on, I was flooded with messages from my friends, ecstatic that I was doing well enough to be on the internet. One of my friends, Brittany Metzger, was among those who messaged me. I decided to tell her about this horrible nightmare that I had. “I was in a car accident in this nightmare,” I said.

“…Brian, please call me,” she said, speechless about how to handle this situation.

It was at that point when it began to hit me that this was not some kind of morbid dream, but this was a new reality. This was my new life, this was going to be another obstacle to hurdle and overcome. I found out that I had sustained a severe Traumatic Brain Injury, was life-flighted from the scene, and spent 10 days in a coma (the first night on life-support). In all, I spent 40 days in the hospital and up to 4.5 years in rehabilitative therapies (up until the summer after my sophomore year in college). I went from being a 2-3 sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. I have since regained much of my physical ability, after becoming engulfed in the fitness industry to help aid in my recovery. If I could go back, I would not trade it for a more mundane or stereotypical life, as the resiliency, persistency, and determination that this forced me to develop has shaped and molded me into who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Jul 17, 2016 12:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

lavarman84

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Re: Personal Statement *UPDATEDX2 in the comments*

Postby lavarman84 » Sun Jul 17, 2016 1:32 am

Anonymous User wrote:Here would be my NEW PS. Which one should I go with to work on more? This one of the one I posted previously (my 2nd one)? Thanks:

Personal Statement

On November 7, 2004 I attended a men’s basketball pre-season exhibition game between the Penn State Nittany Lions and East Stroudsburg University. Penn State was victorious, as was expected. I left the game, jumped in my car, and began the one-hour voyage back to my parents’ house in North-Central Pennsylvania. Before entering the highway, I decided to stop at a gas station and convenience store, called “Sheetz”, to fill up my gas tank and purchase a Jones Soda. I’m sure that soda was refreshing, but I do not remember drinking it – the next thing I remember was lying on a hospital bed 30-35 days later.

I was in a state of total confusion. I remember people talking about a car accident, but I really could not understand what was being said. I was in complete denial and thought that everything was some type of nightmare – the kind of nightmare where you recognize that you are amidst a nightmare and know that the killer lurking downstairs is just a fixation of your own imagination and not real. The kind of nightmare where you are conscious and can open your eyes and end the horror at any time. I thought that I was in that kind of nightmare, but no matter how many times I would open my eyes, nothing ever changed.

My loving parents brought me a laptop computer to use while in my bed. I downloaded AOL Instant Messenger and logged onto my screen name. Shortly after signing on, I was flooded with messages from my friends, ecstatic that I was doing well enough to be on the internet. One of my friends, Brittany Metzger, was among those who messaged me. I decided to tell her about this horrible nightmare that I had. “I was in a car accident in this nightmare,” I said.

“…Brian, please call me,” she said, speechless about how to handle this situation.

It was at that point when it began to hit me that this was not some kind of morbid dream, but this was a new reality. This was my new life, this was going to be another obstacle to hurdle and overcome. I found out that I had sustained a severe Traumatic Brain Injury, was life-flighted from the scene, and spent 10 days in a coma (the first night on life-support). In all, I spent 40 days in the hospital and up to 4.5 years in rehabilitative therapies (up until the summer after my sophomore year in college). I went from being a 2-3 sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. I have since regained much of my physical ability, after becoming engulfed in the fitness industry to help aid in my recovery. If I could go back, I would not trade it for a more mundane or stereotypical life, as the resiliency, persistency, and determination that this forced me to develop has shaped and molded me into who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.


In my opinion, this one is a lot better. There's still work to be done, but I'd move forward with this one. This is a great start!

Anonymous User
Posts: 309327
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement *UPDATEDX2 in the comments*

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Jul 17, 2016 10:30 am

lawman84 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:Here would be my NEW PS. Which one should I go with to work on more? This one of the one I posted previously (my 2nd one)? Thanks:

Personal Statement

On November 7, 2004 I attended a men’s basketball pre-season exhibition game between the Penn State Nittany Lions and East Stroudsburg University. Penn State was victorious, as was expected. I left the game, jumped in my car, and began the one-hour voyage back to my parents’ house in North-Central Pennsylvania. Before entering the highway, I decided to stop at a gas station and convenience store, called “Sheetz”, to fill up my gas tank and purchase a Jones Soda. I’m sure that soda was refreshing, but I do not remember drinking it – the next thing I remember was lying on a hospital bed 30-35 days later.

I was in a state of total confusion. I remember people talking about a car accident, but I really could not understand what was being said. I was in complete denial and thought that everything was some type of nightmare – the kind of nightmare where you recognize that you are amidst a nightmare and know that the killer lurking downstairs is just a fixation of your own imagination and not real. The kind of nightmare where you are conscious and can open your eyes and end the horror at any time. I thought that I was in that kind of nightmare, but no matter how many times I would open my eyes, nothing ever changed.

My loving parents brought me a laptop computer to use while in my bed. I downloaded AOL Instant Messenger and logged onto my screen name. Shortly after signing on, I was flooded with messages from my friends, ecstatic that I was doing well enough to be on the internet. One of my friends, Brittany Metzger, was among those who messaged me. I decided to tell her about this horrible nightmare that I had. “I was in a car accident in this nightmare,” I said.

“…Brian, please call me,” she said, speechless about how to handle this situation.

It was at that point when it began to hit me that this was not some kind of morbid dream, but this was a new reality. This was my new life, this was going to be another obstacle to hurdle and overcome. I found out that I had sustained a severe Traumatic Brain Injury, was life-flighted from the scene, and spent 10 days in a coma (the first night on life-support). In all, I spent 40 days in the hospital and up to 4.5 years in rehabilitative therapies (up until the summer after my sophomore year in college). I went from being a 2-3 sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. I have since regained much of my physical ability, after becoming engulfed in the fitness industry to help aid in my recovery. If I could go back, I would not trade it for a more mundane or stereotypical life, as the resiliency, persistency, and determination that this forced me to develop has shaped and molded me into who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.


In my opinion, this one is a lot better. There's still work to be done, but I'd move forward with this one. This is a great start!

Done, and I agree. I feel like it is getting much better. Thanks all for your help thus far.

User avatar
kgm1990

New
Posts: 95
Joined: Sun Dec 06, 2015 3:29 pm

Re: Personal Statement *UPDATEDX2 in the comments*

Postby kgm1990 » Sun Jul 17, 2016 10:36 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
lawman84 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:Here would be my NEW PS. Which one should I go with to work on more? This one of the one I posted previously (my 2nd one)? Thanks:

Personal Statement

On November 7, 2004 I attended a men’s basketball pre-season exhibition game between the Penn State Nittany Lions and East Stroudsburg University. Penn State was victorious, as was expected. I left the game, jumped in my car, and began the one-hour voyage back to my parents’ house in North-Central Pennsylvania. Before entering the highway, I decided to stop at a gas station and convenience store, called “Sheetz”, to fill up my gas tank and purchase a Jones Soda. I’m sure that soda was refreshing, but I do not remember drinking it – the next thing I remember was lying on a hospital bed 30-35 days later.

I was in a state of total confusion. I remember people talking about a car accident, but I really could not understand what was being said. I was in complete denial and thought that everything was some type of nightmare – the kind of nightmare where you recognize that you are amidst a nightmare and know that the killer lurking downstairs is just a fixation of your own imagination and not real. The kind of nightmare where you are conscious and can open your eyes and end the horror at any time. I thought that I was in that kind of nightmare, but no matter how many times I would open my eyes, nothing ever changed.

My loving parents brought me a laptop computer to use while in my bed. I downloaded AOL Instant Messenger and logged onto my screen name. Shortly after signing on, I was flooded with messages from my friends, ecstatic that I was doing well enough to be on the internet. One of my friends, Brittany Metzger, was among those who messaged me. I decided to tell her about this horrible nightmare that I had. “I was in a car accident in this nightmare,” I said.

“…Brian, please call me,” she said, speechless about how to handle this situation.

It was at that point when it began to hit me that this was not some kind of morbid dream, but this was a new reality. This was my new life, this was going to be another obstacle to hurdle and overcome. I found out that I had sustained a severe Traumatic Brain Injury, was life-flighted from the scene, and spent 10 days in a coma (the first night on life-support). In all, I spent 40 days in the hospital and up to 4.5 years in rehabilitative therapies (up until the summer after my sophomore year in college). I went from being a 2-3 sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. I have since regained much of my physical ability, after becoming engulfed in the fitness industry to help aid in my recovery. If I could go back, I would not trade it for a more mundane or stereotypical life, as the resiliency, persistency, and determination that this forced me to develop has shaped and molded me into who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.


In my opinion, this one is a lot better. There's still work to be done, but I'd move forward with this one. This is a great start!

Done, and I agree. I feel like it is getting much better. Thanks all for your help thus far.



Oh yeah! This one is definitely better. I never once wanted to choke the writer! ;-) The narrative is definitely progressing. Honestly though, I think you can still cut out those last three paragraphs and show your growth and resilience in a way that doesn't feel like such a break from your story. The committee will see your work experience in your resume, so if it doesn't naturally flow, I would cut it. And also, your dad being a lawyer just feels tossed into the resume as the real reason why you want to go to law school--but I guarantee you that won't cut it. I bet money that you can draw a clearer connection between your "loving parents" (Ick--no need to actually use that phrase) and your interest in law. Your injury, your dad being a lawyer, injury law--the connection is almost writing itself.

Also, the Herbal Life paragraph feels like the dangling, broken arm cut-taped onto a robot. Like, I know it should be there--but it just doesn't work the way it is now. Some more tweaking is definitely in order. And PLEASE nix the "law school has always piqued my interest;" you don't sound committed with that sentence.

But seriously, this one is so much better, it's almost night and day. :-)

Anonymous User
Posts: 309327
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement *UPDATEDX2 in the comments*

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Jul 18, 2016 8:59 am

kgm1990 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:
lawman84 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:Here would be my NEW PS. Which one should I go with to work on more? This one of the one I posted previously (my 2nd one)? Thanks:

Personal Statement

On November 7, 2004 I attended a men’s basketball pre-season exhibition game between the Penn State Nittany Lions and East Stroudsburg University. Penn State was victorious, as was expected. I left the game, jumped in my car, and began the one-hour voyage back to my parents’ house in North-Central Pennsylvania. Before entering the highway, I decided to stop at a gas station and convenience store, called “Sheetz”, to fill up my gas tank and purchase a Jones Soda. I’m sure that soda was refreshing, but I do not remember drinking it – the next thing I remember was lying on a hospital bed 30-35 days later.

I was in a state of total confusion. I remember people talking about a car accident, but I really could not understand what was being said. I was in complete denial and thought that everything was some type of nightmare – the kind of nightmare where you recognize that you are amidst a nightmare and know that the killer lurking downstairs is just a fixation of your own imagination and not real. The kind of nightmare where you are conscious and can open your eyes and end the horror at any time. I thought that I was in that kind of nightmare, but no matter how many times I would open my eyes, nothing ever changed.

My loving parents brought me a laptop computer to use while in my bed. I downloaded AOL Instant Messenger and logged onto my screen name. Shortly after signing on, I was flooded with messages from my friends, ecstatic that I was doing well enough to be on the internet. One of my friends, Brittany Metzger, was among those who messaged me. I decided to tell her about this horrible nightmare that I had. “I was in a car accident in this nightmare,” I said.

“…Brian, please call me,” she said, speechless about how to handle this situation.

It was at that point when it began to hit me that this was not some kind of morbid dream, but this was a new reality. This was my new life, this was going to be another obstacle to hurdle and overcome. I found out that I had sustained a severe Traumatic Brain Injury, was life-flighted from the scene, and spent 10 days in a coma (the first night on life-support). In all, I spent 40 days in the hospital and up to 4.5 years in rehabilitative therapies (up until the summer after my sophomore year in college). I went from being a 2-3 sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. I have since regained much of my physical ability, after becoming engulfed in the fitness industry to help aid in my recovery. If I could go back, I would not trade it for a more mundane or stereotypical life, as the resiliency, persistency, and determination that this forced me to develop has shaped and molded me into who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.


In my opinion, this one is a lot better. There's still work to be done, but I'd move forward with this one. This is a great start!

Done, and I agree. I feel like it is getting much better. Thanks all for your help thus far.



Oh yeah! This one is definitely better. I never once wanted to choke the writer! ;-) The narrative is definitely progressing. Honestly though, I think you can still cut out those last three paragraphs and show your growth and resilience in a way that doesn't feel like such a break from your story. The committee will see your work experience in your resume, so if it doesn't naturally flow, I would cut it. And also, your dad being a lawyer just feels tossed into the resume as the real reason why you want to go to law school--but I guarantee you that won't cut it. I bet money that you can draw a clearer connection between your "loving parents" (Ick--no need to actually use that phrase) and your interest in law. Your injury, your dad being a lawyer, injury law--the connection is almost writing itself.

Also, the Herbal Life paragraph feels like the dangling, broken arm cut-taped onto a robot. Like, I know it should be there--but it just doesn't work the way it is now. Some more tweaking is definitely in order. And PLEASE nix the "law school has always piqued my interest;" you don't sound committed with that sentence.

But seriously, this one is so much better, it's almost night and day. :-)

The second half of the third-to-last paragraph does seem a bit forced... but, the reasoning behind including that paragraph is to show tht my TBI has not negatively affected my academics. I have been told that is you disclose something like a TBI (hence why I initially did not), you need to do something to quel any concerns about it impacting your ability to succeed through law school.

User avatar
kgm1990

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Posts: 95
Joined: Sun Dec 06, 2015 3:29 pm

Re: Personal Statement *UPDATEDX2 in the comments*

Postby kgm1990 » Mon Jul 18, 2016 2:43 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
kgm1990 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:
lawman84 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:Here would be my NEW PS. Which one should I go with to work on more? This one of the one I posted previously (my 2nd one)? Thanks:

Personal Statement

On November 7, 2004 I attended a men’s basketball pre-season exhibition game between the Penn State Nittany Lions and East Stroudsburg University. Penn State was victorious, as was expected. I left the game, jumped in my car, and began the one-hour voyage back to my parents’ house in North-Central Pennsylvania. Before entering the highway, I decided to stop at a gas station and convenience store, called “Sheetz”, to fill up my gas tank and purchase a Jones Soda. I’m sure that soda was refreshing, but I do not remember drinking it – the next thing I remember was lying on a hospital bed 30-35 days later.

I was in a state of total confusion. I remember people talking about a car accident, but I really could not understand what was being said. I was in complete denial and thought that everything was some type of nightmare – the kind of nightmare where you recognize that you are amidst a nightmare and know that the killer lurking downstairs is just a fixation of your own imagination and not real. The kind of nightmare where you are conscious and can open your eyes and end the horror at any time. I thought that I was in that kind of nightmare, but no matter how many times I would open my eyes, nothing ever changed.

My loving parents brought me a laptop computer to use while in my bed. I downloaded AOL Instant Messenger and logged onto my screen name. Shortly after signing on, I was flooded with messages from my friends, ecstatic that I was doing well enough to be on the internet. One of my friends, Brittany Metzger, was among those who messaged me. I decided to tell her about this horrible nightmare that I had. “I was in a car accident in this nightmare,” I said.

“…Brian, please call me,” she said, speechless about how to handle this situation.

It was at that point when it began to hit me that this was not some kind of morbid dream, but this was a new reality. This was my new life, this was going to be another obstacle to hurdle and overcome. I found out that I had sustained a severe Traumatic Brain Injury, was life-flighted from the scene, and spent 10 days in a coma (the first night on life-support). In all, I spent 40 days in the hospital and up to 4.5 years in rehabilitative therapies (up until the summer after my sophomore year in college). I went from being a 2-3 sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. I have since regained much of my physical ability, after becoming engulfed in the fitness industry to help aid in my recovery. If I could go back, I would not trade it for a more mundane or stereotypical life, as the resiliency, persistency, and determination that this forced me to develop has shaped and molded me into who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.


In my opinion, this one is a lot better. There's still work to be done, but I'd move forward with this one. This is a great start!

Done, and I agree. I feel like it is getting much better. Thanks all for your help thus far.



Oh yeah! This one is definitely better. I never once wanted to choke the writer! ;-) The narrative is definitely progressing. Honestly though, I think you can still cut out those last three paragraphs and show your growth and resilience in a way that doesn't feel like such a break from your story. The committee will see your work experience in your resume, so if it doesn't naturally flow, I would cut it. And also, your dad being a lawyer just feels tossed into the resume as the real reason why you want to go to law school--but I guarantee you that won't cut it. I bet money that you can draw a clearer connection between your "loving parents" (Ick--no need to actually use that phrase) and your interest in law. Your injury, your dad being a lawyer, injury law--the connection is almost writing itself.

Also, the Herbal Life paragraph feels like the dangling, broken arm cut-taped onto a robot. Like, I know it should be there--but it just doesn't work the way it is now. Some more tweaking is definitely in order. And PLEASE nix the "law school has always piqued my interest;" you don't sound committed with that sentence.

But seriously, this one is so much better, it's almost night and day. :-)

The second half of the third-to-last paragraph does seem a bit forced... but, the reasoning behind including that paragraph is to show tht my TBI has not negatively affected my academics. I have been told that is you disclose something like a TBI (hence why I initially did not), you need to do something to quel any concerns about it impacting your ability to succeed through law school.


Go with your instincts on it, but you can absolutely show that it hasn't been an issue in a less abrasive way. I'm 99.9% sure of it. :-D

Anonymous User
Posts: 309327
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement *UPDATEDX2 in the comments*

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Jul 18, 2016 3:20 pm

kgm1990 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:
kgm1990 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:
lawman84 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:Here would be my NEW PS. Which one should I go with to work on more? This one of the one I posted previously (my 2nd one)? Thanks:

Personal Statement

On November 7, 2004 I attended a men’s basketball pre-season exhibition game between the Penn State Nittany Lions and East Stroudsburg University. Penn State was victorious, as was expected. I left the game, jumped in my car, and began the one-hour voyage back to my parents’ house in North-Central Pennsylvania. Before entering the highway, I decided to stop at a gas station and convenience store, called “Sheetz”, to fill up my gas tank and purchase a Jones Soda. I’m sure that soda was refreshing, but I do not remember drinking it – the next thing I remember was lying on a hospital bed 30-35 days later.

I was in a state of total confusion. I remember people talking about a car accident, but I really could not understand what was being said. I was in complete denial and thought that everything was some type of nightmare – the kind of nightmare where you recognize that you are amidst a nightmare and know that the killer lurking downstairs is just a fixation of your own imagination and not real. The kind of nightmare where you are conscious and can open your eyes and end the horror at any time. I thought that I was in that kind of nightmare, but no matter how many times I would open my eyes, nothing ever changed.

My loving parents brought me a laptop computer to use while in my bed. I downloaded AOL Instant Messenger and logged onto my screen name. Shortly after signing on, I was flooded with messages from my friends, ecstatic that I was doing well enough to be on the internet. One of my friends, Brittany Metzger, was among those who messaged me. I decided to tell her about this horrible nightmare that I had. “I was in a car accident in this nightmare,” I said.

“…Brian, please call me,” she said, speechless about how to handle this situation.

It was at that point when it began to hit me that this was not some kind of morbid dream, but this was a new reality. This was my new life, this was going to be another obstacle to hurdle and overcome. I found out that I had sustained a severe Traumatic Brain Injury, was life-flighted from the scene, and spent 10 days in a coma (the first night on life-support). In all, I spent 40 days in the hospital and up to 4.5 years in rehabilitative therapies (up until the summer after my sophomore year in college). I went from being a 2-3 sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. I have since regained much of my physical ability, after becoming engulfed in the fitness industry to help aid in my recovery. If I could go back, I would not trade it for a more mundane or stereotypical life, as the resiliency, persistency, and determination that this forced me to develop has shaped and molded me into who I am today.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years. While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador.

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to. My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law. I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, and have a passionate obligation to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself or who are still undergoing their own recovery.

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my own, eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school. Law school has always piqued my interest since high school, and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future.


In my opinion, this one is a lot better. There's still work to be done, but I'd move forward with this one. This is a great start!

Done, and I agree. I feel like it is getting much better. Thanks all for your help thus far.



Oh yeah! This one is definitely better. I never once wanted to choke the writer! ;-) The narrative is definitely progressing. Honestly though, I think you can still cut out those last three paragraphs and show your growth and resilience in a way that doesn't feel like such a break from your story. The committee will see your work experience in your resume, so if it doesn't naturally flow, I would cut it. And also, your dad being a lawyer just feels tossed into the resume as the real reason why you want to go to law school--but I guarantee you that won't cut it. I bet money that you can draw a clearer connection between your "loving parents" (Ick--no need to actually use that phrase) and your interest in law. Your injury, your dad being a lawyer, injury law--the connection is almost writing itself.

Also, the Herbal Life paragraph feels like the dangling, broken arm cut-taped onto a robot. Like, I know it should be there--but it just doesn't work the way it is now. Some more tweaking is definitely in order. And PLEASE nix the "law school has always piqued my interest;" you don't sound committed with that sentence.

But seriously, this one is so much better, it's almost night and day. :-)

The second half of the third-to-last paragraph does seem a bit forced... but, the reasoning behind including that paragraph is to show tht my TBI has not negatively affected my academics. I have been told that is you disclose something like a TBI (hence why I initially did not), you need to do something to quel any concerns about it impacting your ability to succeed through law school.


Go with your instincts on it, but you can absolutely show that it hasn't been an issue in a less abrasive way. I'm 99.9% sure of it. :-D

My gut instincts tell me that people here are very helpful and most seem to know a thing or two about a good PS, and that I should continue to listen and edit. What do you mean by a "less abrasive" way, though?

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kgm1990

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Re: Personal Statement *UPDATEDX2 in the comments*

Postby kgm1990 » Mon Jul 18, 2016 4:00 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
kgm1990 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:
kgm1990 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:
lawman84 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:Here would be my NEW PS. Which one should I go with to work on more? This one of the one I posted previously (my 2nd one)? Thanks:

Personal Statement

On November 7, 2004 I attended a men’s basketball pre-season exhibition game between the Penn State Nittany Lions and East Stroudsburg University. Penn State was victorious, as was expected. I left the game, jumped in my car, and began the one-hour voyage back to my parents’ house in North-Central Pennsylvania. Before entering the highway, I decided to stop at a gas station and convenience store, called “Sheetz”, to fill up my gas tank and purchase a Jones Soda. I’m sure that soda was refreshing, but I do not remember drinking it – the next thing I remember was lying on a hospital bed 30-35 days later.

I was in a state of total confusion. I remember people talking about a car accident, but I really could not understand what was being said. I was in complete denial and thought that everything was some type of nightmare – the kind of nightmare where you recognize that you are amidst a nightmare and know that the killer lurking downstairs is just a fixation of your own imagination and not real. The kind of nightmare where you are conscious and can open your eyes and end the horror at any time. I thought that I was in that kind of nightmare, but no matter how many times I would open my eyes, nothing ever changed.

My loving parents brought me a laptop computer to use while in my bed. I downloaded AOL Instant Messenger and logged onto my screen name. Shortly after signing on, I was flooded with messages from my friends, ecstatic that I was doing well enough to be on the internet. One of my friends, Brittany Metzger, was among those who messaged me. I decided to tell her about this horrible nightmare that I had. “I was in a car accident in this nightmare,” I said.

“…Brian, please call me,” she said, speechless about how to handle this situation.

It was at that point when it began to hit me that this was not some kind of morbid dream, but this was a new reality. This was my new life, this was going to be another obstacle to hurdle and overcome. I found out that I had sustained a severe Traumatic Brain Injury, was life-flighted from the scene, and spent 10 days in a coma (the first night on life-support). In all, I spent 40 days in the hospital and up to 4.5 years in rehabilitative therapies (up until the summer after my sophomore year in college). I went from being a 2-3 sport athlete, to being fed through a feeding tube in my nose, and unable to walk or stand on my own. I have since regained much of my physical ability, after becoming engulfed in the fitness industry to help aid in my recovery. I assume you're talking about Herbal Life here, but it doesn't make chronological sense in the narrative. If I could go back, I would not trade it for a more mundane or stereotypical life, as the resiliency, persistency, and determination that this forced me to develop has shaped and molded me into who I am today. I really don't think there's any reason to keep this sentence. You can't go back, so it's a thumb-twiddling sentence. It also introduces an element of negativity in an otherwise positive statement. You should never suggest that people who have not experienced this as 'mundane or stereotypical life', or that the unknown would have been otherwise.

Who I am today can be characterized by two key words: Resilient and persevering. This is also problematic because of wording tone. I'm sure everyone appreciates a topic sentence followed by support, but you need to be more artful. I literally think you could start this paragraph with the following sentence and then in the end, make a statement about your 'r&p' if you think it's necessary. After experiencing my car accident and subsequent Traumatic Brain Injury, I attended high school year-round to graduate on time. The benefits of the immediate cognitive therapy derived through an in-depth study of academic subjects was very beneficial to my neurological recovery. You haven't addressed therapy enough to include it like this. Maybe expound, probably wouldn't even take a full sentence to flesh out what the therapy meant, for a quick bit. Following my graduation, I continued my “cognitive therapy” by attending the Pennsylvania State University and completing a demanding course load (156 credits) in 4.5 years I don't know why this is exceptional. My bet is that a general reader won't be familiar enough with the Penn State Uni system to be either. . While at Penn State, I continued my personal and emotional growth Just-no. I'm a fan of self-promotion, but you need to be much more specific. What does personal and emotional growth even mean? and was one of only three undergraduate students selected to participate in a certification program to teach English to speakers of other languages (TESOL), culminating with a practicum experience in Otovalo, Ecuador. am I the only who sense a potentially touching Ecuadorian scene to illustrate this point?

My life experiences have kept me humble while illustrating that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to no. No you can't do anything you put your mind to; illustrated by the guy in 'Kick Ass' who thought he could fly. Spoiler: he couldn't. . My father is a civil attorney, thus I have grown up around the law and am well aware of the immense work-ethic that it takes to succeed as a law student and as a practicing attorney.This is in no way a solid 'why I want to go to law school argument'. Although I am still open to different fields of law, my eventual goal is to practice disability law.why add that first part at all? I am blessed and fortunate to have made the recovery that I have experienced, be thankful, but this feels awkward. and have a passionate obligation I can already tell you that you don't have an obligation to do anything. to advocate for and help those who are less-fortunate than myself No. You sound like a nice guy, don't use these sort of generalities. or who are still undergoing their own recovery I like this, it's much more specific. .

I have gained invaluable real-world experience living on my ownhopefully most people at this point have. I don't think it warrants inclusion unless you introduce a reason why you shouldn't live alone. , eight hours from my nearest relative, and working since graduating college six years ago. I had to grow, both mentally and emotionally, during this period of time and it has only made me a stronger candidate for law school.Literally everyone has to grow mentally and emotionally. I don't think it's enough to just say this and then expect them to say 'whoa, he has grown!' Law school has always piqued my interest since high schoolNope. , and that desire has not left me after six years of teaching you're a teacher?! How are you NOT using this as a point to illustrate growth?!and running my Herbalife Nutrition business. I bring more to the table, such as business knowledge and a high-level of client care, at 29 years-old than I would have at 23 years-old. I am honored to be a candidate for admission at your school, and I look forward to visiting your school’s facilities in the near future. This whole section is just a big ole' awkward koala in a mud bog.


In my opinion, this one is a lot better. There's still work to be done, but I'd move forward with this one. This is a great start!

Done, and I agree. I feel like it is getting much better. Thanks all for your help thus far.



Oh yeah! This one is definitely better. I never once wanted to choke the writer! ;-) The narrative is definitely progressing. Honestly though, I think you can still cut out those last three paragraphs and show your growth and resilience in a way that doesn't feel like such a break from your story. The committee will see your work experience in your resume, so if it doesn't naturally flow, I would cut it. And also, your dad being a lawyer just feels tossed into the resume as the real reason why you want to go to law school--but I guarantee you that won't cut it. I bet money that you can draw a clearer connection between your "loving parents" (Ick--no need to actually use that phrase) and your interest in law. Your injury, your dad being a lawyer, injury law--the connection is almost writing itself.

Also, the Herbal Life paragraph feels like the dangling, broken arm cut-taped onto a robot. Like, I know it should be there--but it just doesn't work the way it is now. Some more tweaking is definitely in order. And PLEASE nix the "law school has always piqued my interest;" you don't sound committed with that sentence.

But seriously, this one is so much better, it's almost night and day. :-)

The second half of the third-to-last paragraph does seem a bit forced... but, the reasoning behind including that paragraph is to show tht my TBI has not negatively affected my academics. I have been told that is you disclose something like a TBI (hence why I initially did not), you need to do something to quel any concerns about it impacting your ability to succeed through law school.


Go with your instincts on it, but you can absolutely show that it hasn't been an issue in a less abrasive way. I'm 99.9% sure of it. :-D

My gut instincts tell me that people here are very helpful and most seem to know a thing or two about a good PS, and that I should continue to listen and edit. What do you mean by a "less abrasive" way, though?


Mwahahaha, you just welcomed a floodgate of pent-up editorial skill! :twisted: There's tonal change in the paragraphs. It's not bad, because the first part is brilliant, but the final three paragraphs need to be edited as much as you edited the first part of your essay in order to flow like a natural argument should. Okay, I edited it a bit. Keep in mind that I'm not trying to fix any grammar. :-)

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Re: Personal Statement *UPDATED X3 in the comments*

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Jul 18, 2016 4:37 pm

Thanks, I just read your first comment and no, I am not talking about Herbalife there. I became a certified personal trainer to gain the knowledge to help train myself back.

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Re: Personal Statement *UPDATED X3 in the comments*

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Jul 18, 2016 4:49 pm

I was involved with the fitness industry many years before finding Herbalife



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