Opinions on PS!

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ryanjeff08

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Opinions on PS!

Postby ryanjeff08 » Sun Jul 03, 2016 6:52 pm

I uploaded a PS on the 13th about basketball to display my internal drive. For this PS I wanted to concentrate on professional aspects of my life.

Is this PS too expository and not personal?
Should I stick with my previous PS topic?

Although my grades would suffer, going to the gym for an extra workout instead of the library to strengthen an assignment was more important. In fact, I was fortunate to get a scholarship to play Division 2 Basketball. However, by my junior year my sociology courses were more inspiring and interesting than the possibilities of a career playing Basketball. (Not sure if I need this first paragraph.)

The information that came from new theories, concepts and ideas were insightful ways to look at society and my life’s experiences. I developed an interest in researching social issues. Learning about concepts such as ‘Conflict theory’ and how they support the ‘Blocked opportunities framework’ was more enlightening and enjoyable than the world of sports/basketball I came from. I encountered many policy decisions during my studies and considered the impact that policymaking has on the structure of society.

I first heard about Nonprofits during my undergrad courses and some of the great works community leaders are able to accomplish. All City Buff (ACB) developed in response to my community’s needs. South Central Los Angeles is predominantly comprised of low-income Hispanic and African American residents. There are many issues facing our community and there are several great organization making strides to improve these conditions. However, there is a significant need for more community members to take active role in improving our conditions. We filled the necessary paper work and I became a proud Co/founder of a 501(c)3 organization with the mission of providing our community with multi-service improvement and beautification projects. With an emphasis in corporate law, obtaining a Law degree will be useful as I continue to develop ACB. Eventually I want to work with other Non-Profit Board members as a compliance and contracts associate.

Most of my family still lives in South Central Los Angles so I can identify with Legal Aid Societies low-income clients who are in need of free legal services. During my time at Legal Aid I witnesses several clients leave gifts for one or more of the Intake Specialist for assisting them during their difficult situations. I will never forget the client I helped win her eviction case and how adamant she was about leaving a gift for me. This client, along with seeing the long line of clients in the morning waiting for assistance to fight unlawful evictions or gain custody of their children, lets me know how substantial free legal Aid clinics are. I then considered Law School with an emphasis in studying public interest and family law working directly on public policy issues and volunteering with Legal Aid clinics.

Family Service Association (FSA) serves a similar demographic of clients as Legal Aid Society. Ensuring an informed board during weekly meetings, having a committed and properly trained staff, cultivating then maintaining donor relations and developing fundraising ideas, are all worth it when you hear a client’s story about when they first came to FSA they were evicted, living motel-to-motel and had small children to take care of. Unfortunately, there are many stories like this. I get inspired when I see the compassion from Case Mangers trying to find rentals for evicted clients. To know that I will be offering legal advice and services to an organization that like FSA will be worth more than a career playing basketball.

Researching relevant laws, training board members on compliance regulations, communicating fiduciary responsibilities to executives such as antitrust risks, tax and regulatory laws may not be alluring but are essential to running an organization. My career goals are to be involved with corporations primarily Non Profit Organizations as a Legal adviser and Compliance Officer. I also plan to provide Pro Bono family law legal services to help alleviate legal burdens for families. Ultimately, my goal is maintaining a high degree of quality of life, which for me, means providing services to my community, being financially comfortable and exploring my intellectual curiosity.

Sorry about the grammatical errors. If you see them please point them out.

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34iplaw

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Re: Opinions on PS!

Postby 34iplaw » Sun Jul 03, 2016 7:35 pm

Is this PS too expository and not personal?

I don't find it very evocative. None of your language really conveys much emotion. I think you almost touch on too many things. It starts to seem like an adaptation on a cover letter. Don't use acronyms in this - especially if you only use the acronym once or twice beyond when you identify what it stands for. I think you should talk about what compelled you to start a non-profit. How have you benefited people? etc. That seems a lot more interesting and/or powerful than 'I liked basketball...then I liked sociology...then I did this.' I felt that by the time I was getting involved in one of the things you have done that you abruptly changed topics.

Should I stick with my previous PS topic?

I may have read that one, LMK if I did and I'll try to compare, but I think it's best to analyze each on it's own

Although my grades would suffer, going to the gym for an extra workout instead of the library to strengthen an assignment was more important.

The syntax here is sloppy. Also, I don't know if I would frame it in this way...it almost indicates a lack of judgement or not caring about grades. I don't think it's bad to have, but, if you are going to do this, make sure it conveys that basketball and the gym superceded all other things in your life and you have this sheer determination, focus, drive, etc. It's okay to mention, perhaps, that your grades suffered because of this, but don't let that be the driving message of the sentence.

In fact, I was fortunate to get a scholarship to play Division 2 Basketball. However, by my junior year my sociology courses were more inspiring and interesting than the possibilities of a career playing Basketball. (Not sure if I need this first paragraph.)

If you keep the basketball, I think it needs to be more intertwined. It's kind of odd to say that my grades suffered because basketball was so important, but then you immediately switched to sociology once you saw it. It almost conveys a fickleness.

The information that came from new theories, concepts and ideas were insightful ways to look at society and my life’s experiences.

'life's experiences' reads weird to me. I could be completely incorrect, but I suspect that my life experience is the more acceptable form of that. It's also kind of generic. I'm not sure why...it just reads very plain jane to me.

I developed an interest in researching social issues. Learning about concepts such as ‘Conflict theory’ and how they support the ‘Blocked opportunities framework’ was more enlightening and enjoyable than the world of sports/basketball I came from. I encountered many policy decisions during my studies and considered the impact that policymaking has on the structure of society.

I wouldn't ever do sports/basketball in a PS. I think this is just a rougher draft and you haven't parsed through, but...yeah...don't do this/that type deal. I think this can also be worded better. I don't think you need to get into specific concepts, especially when you don't really elaborate on them.

I first heard about Nonprofits during my undergrad courses and some of the great works community leaders are able to accomplish. All City Buff (ACB) developed in response to my community’s needs. South Central Los Angeles is predominantly comprised of low-income Hispanic and African American residents.

As above, don't use acronyms. When using said acronym saves you one example of using it - this is true for all writing [baring maybe some response where it's a commonly known phrase in a highly technical piece for a specific audience type deal.] For a PS, I don't think an acronym would ever be that appropriate.

There are many issues facing our community and there are several great organization making strides to improve these conditions. However, there is a significant need for more community members to take active role in improving our conditions. We filled the necessary paper work and I became a proud Co/founder of a 501(c)3 organization with the mission of providing our community with multi-service improvement and beautification projects.

I think that this ACB could be a great vehicle for a personal statement, but we really get no insight into you.

With an emphasis in corporate law, obtaining a Law degree will be useful as I continue to develop ACB. Eventually I want to work with other Non-Profit Board members as a compliance and contracts associate.

Most of my family still lives in South Central Los Angles so I can identify with Legal Aid Societies low-income clients who are in need of free legal services. During my time at Legal Aid I witnesses several clients leave gifts for one or more of the Intake Specialist for assisting them during their difficult situations. I will never forget the client I helped win her eviction case and how adamant she was about leaving a gift for me. This client, along with seeing the long line of clients in the morning waiting for assistance to fight unlawful evictions or gain custody of their children, lets me know how substantial free legal Aid clinics are.

substantial doesn't really work here. it seems to be that you were looking for important or something synonymous with that. substantial doesn't really work in this regard.

I then considered Law School with an emphasis in studying public interest and family law working directly on public policy issues and volunteering with Legal Aid clinics.

This is confusing. Do you want to go to Law School for an emphasis on corporate law or an emphasis on public interest and family law? They are very different paths AFAIK.

Family Service Association (FSA) serves a similar demographic of clients as Legal Aid Society. Ensuring an informed board during weekly meetings, having a committed and properly trained staff, cultivating then maintaining donor relations and developing fundraising ideas, are all worth it when you hear a client’s story about when they first came to FSA they were evicted, living motel-to-motel and had small children to take care of. Unfortunately, there are many stories like this. I get inspired when I see the compassion from Case Mangers trying to find rentals for evicted clients. To know that I will be offering legal advice and services to an organization that like FSA will be worth more than a career playing basketball.

Similar to above, FSA was used twice. Don't use an acronym here. It's also not something that is cumbersome to say. I don't see why basketball came back up here at this point. I've almost forgotten about it.

Researching relevant laws, training board members on compliance regulations, communicating fiduciary responsibilities to executives such as antitrust risks, tax and regulatory laws may not be alluring but are essential to running an organization. My career goals are to be involved with corporations primarily Non Profit Organizations as a Legal adviser and Compliance Officer. I also plan to provide Pro Bono family law legal services to help alleviate legal burdens for families. Ultimately, my goal is maintaining a high degree of quality of life, which for me, means providing services to my community, being financially comfortable and exploring my intellectual curiosity.

I wouldn't really say that I'm in it for the money either directly or indirectly - not that you are but it is what you said.

Sorry about the grammatical errors. If you see them please point them out.

There definitely are some grammatical errors, but I wouldn't worry about it at this stage. I'm more than glad to look for grammatical errors when you near a more final draft and/or have a statement that you are comfortable submitting. I think you have some good possible statements in here, but you have several possible statements. That's the problem.

Drop the basketball bit and the sociology bit IMO.

Focus exclusively on the non-profit stuff or something. Perhaps, use the gratitude of those you helped avoid wrongful eviction as a launch pad for your PS. I think you have some good stuff in here, but I really do think you need to overhaul the statement quite a bit. There is really way too much going on in here.

ryanjeff08

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Re: Opinions on PS!

Postby ryanjeff08 » Sun Jul 03, 2016 8:07 pm

No acronyms, too expository, too many subjects, get rid of the X/Y, no bbal, no sociology and get rid of 'substantial', Thanks 34iplaw.

I was thinking about exclusively focusing on my Non Profit. The number represent paragraphs topics.

1. When I first heard about Non Profits.
2. How I developed my Non Profit
3. Why I developed it
4. What Impact I hope it will have
5. How I think a JD will help

How can I make my writing more personal?

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34iplaw

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Re: Opinions on PS!

Postby 34iplaw » Sun Jul 03, 2016 10:54 pm

I mean you could do bball or sociology, but not all three. That said, I think the non-profit has the ability to say much more about you and put you in a positive light.

Don't start with how you first heard about non-profits. It was your freshman year. That's not particularly compelling or interesting, IMO.

IMO - Start with *why* you started the non-profit or some particularly compelling interaction you had through it. This is how your writing becomes more personal. You develop a narrative rather than just say what happened.

Use words that evoke tone/feeling/emotion. You don't need to bludgeon them over the head with it by saying something like, 'this angered me.'

I also wouldn't necessarily get into how you developed your non-profit unless you relate it to personal growth or something. They want a statement about you - not your non-profit. It is fine to have the non-profit be be vehicle, but it shouldn't be the main point.

#3, 4, and 5 should comprise the bulk of your statement. They sound more interesting and more readily allow insight into you as an individual.



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