Pls help critique my PS

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Anonymous User
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Pls help critique my PS

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Jun 14, 2016 12:50 am

“Eric, Alex, James…!” As the coach was announcing names to determine who would make the team, I stood confident my name would be called. I was seventeen years old trying out for the basketball team. Prior to the tryouts I talked to numerous friends and old coaches on how I can strengthen my skills. I worked on improving my conditioning, shooting technique and started watching film of great players. However, I did not hear my name being called that day.

As I was walking home I contemplated if basketball was in my future. Not making the high school team at 17 was a sign to try something new. But I felt as if I owe to myself to continue to peruse my passion. My city league coach once mentioned “If you want to be successful you have to embrace obstacles as part of the process.” Two hours in the gym increased to five. Working on my weakness, running, lifting and watching film became my job. I was fully taken over by the prospects of becoming a professional athlete, something I had dreamed of since I got my first basketball and never put it down. After a year and a half of focused improvement I took a gamble and tried out for College. At the tryouts I found myself with the same confidence I had two years prior only with the understanding that I am not owed a spot. Luckily my name was called and my college basketball career had begun.

Beginning in the summer when I made the honorable mentions list at the annual USC JR. College Summer Tournament, I knew my hard work was paying off. Then again at the end of the season being named a Foothill Conferences All First Team Player. The best feeling in my short college basketball career, started around May 2012 when I started to get the calls. The calls came from coaches offering scholarship opportunities to play Basketball for their school. The calls were confirmation for what my coach had told me - failure is sometimes a part of the process and do let difficulties deter you from perusing goals.

From the first practice at I noticed the difference from playing for a Jr. College. Commitment meant a day to day process with the expectation of improving every day. I was fully prepared to meet this challenge. A typical day would begin with a morning workout then classes then back for the main practice with the team, head to another class then study Hall and lastly for a night workout. It was a demanding process but the rewards outweighed the obstacles involved. However, by my junior year my sociology courses were more inspiring and fulfilling than the prospects of a career playing Basketball. I was proud of making the athletic honor roll given only a year prior I struggled to finish with a 2.5 GPA and two years prior to that it was not known whether I would graduate high school on time.

Prior to the xtryouts I made an unsuccessful attempt to join x High School sophomore team. After thex tryouts as I was walking to my car I truly considered giving up. I was overweight, not athletic and unsure in my capabilities. At the same time my guidance counselor stated at my pace I would not be able to graduate on time, (I was a year behind in credits). I leftx to attend Options for Youth. There is where I develop an intellectual curiosity and quickly began to love to learn. I was able to be recognized as one of 10 students rewarded for their academic performances with a trip to Washington D.C as a result. By my second semester my senior year I was in a position to graduate early. School had given me a second opportunity to have something to dream about, create goals around and work hard at every day similar to the way basketball had given me a purpose.

The same ambition that drove me to compete to be awarded a trip to Washington D.C, obtain a basketball scholarship and graduating on the student athletic Honor Roll will be the same drive, determination and desire to achieve something great that will push me to be a competitive Law Student.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Jun 14, 2016 11:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cavalier1138

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Re: Pls help critique my PS

Postby cavalier1138 » Tue Jun 14, 2016 6:17 am

First and foremost, this needs a thorough proofreading for grammatical and syntactical errors. There are enough of them that it reads like you never actually tried reading it back to yourself to make sure it all made sense.

On a more general level, this is just a list of your achievements, which is something the school is already going to see on your application. I don't get any sense of who you really are through this statement. I don't feel the personal connection to the topic, which may be tied up in the syntax problems, because the entire thing feels very removed. And you literally spend a single sentence on law school.

I think that if you're going to start with sports as your jumping-off point, you need to dig deeper. And you need to explain why you're going to law school, not just that you think you'll do well there. But you especially need to spend more time on the nuts-and-bolts grammar of this thing, because it's not going to inspire confidence in your ability to handle the intense writing load that you'll be faced with in law school.

Short list:
-Grammar, grammar, grammar
-Make it personal
-Why law school?


Total side note: You probably want to remove specific references from this PS when posting on here. Someone (like an ad comm) could probably identify you from the amount of information provided.
Last edited by cavalier1138 on Wed Jun 15, 2016 8:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: Pls help critique my PS

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Jun 14, 2016 11:22 pm

Appreciate the feedback

I know my grammar needs work, I'm going to work on it.

I was influenced by the first PS which is about as personal as mine and she does not mention Law school. Can you explain why her PS is still considered good?
http://www.law.uchicago.edu/alumni/maga ... irownwords

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PDX4343

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Re: Pls help critique my PS

Postby PDX4343 » Wed Jun 15, 2016 1:02 am

Anonymous User wrote:Appreciate the feedback

I know my grammar needs work, I'm going to work on it.

I was influenced by the first PS which is about as personal as mine and she does not mention Law school. Can you explain why her PS is still considered good?
http://www.law.uchicago.edu/alumni/maga ... irownwords


I was also inspired by that student's personal statement as I was writing my own PS. One thing she does a really good job with is describing her passion. Her descriptive language and the peaks we get into her memories of music made me feel like I knew her, without having ever met her. I see how you try to emulate that in your statement, however, I don't think you've pulled it off yet.

Your PS reads more as a restatement of your resume, whereas this writer uses intimate memories from important parts of her journey to convey where she has been. She "shows" us what she has done and why to the point where we feel we understand her, whereas your language does not evoke those feelings.

I'm not great at writing these myself but I hope that helps illuminate some of the differences for you.

ryanjeff08

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Re: Pls help critique my PS

Postby ryanjeff08 » Wed Jun 15, 2016 3:09 am

I absolutely see it now. PDX4343 your awesome, thanks.

Catsinthebag

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Re: Pls help critique my PS

Postby Catsinthebag » Wed Jun 15, 2016 4:07 am

3rd sentence, 2nd paragraph... syntax and spelling mistake. Aaaaand, trash can.

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34iplaw

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Re: Pls help critique my PS

Postby 34iplaw » Wed Jun 15, 2016 7:22 am

PDX4343 wrote:Her descriptive language and the peaks we get into her memories of music made me feel like I knew her, without having ever met her.


100% this.

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PDX4343

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Re: Pls help critique my PS

Postby PDX4343 » Wed Jun 15, 2016 9:57 am

ryanjeff08 wrote:I absolutely see it now. PDX4343 your awesome, thanks.


Glad I could be of help. Good luck!

bgt1995

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Re: Pls help critique my PS

Postby bgt1995 » Thu Jun 16, 2016 1:31 pm

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Last edited by bgt1995 on Mon Jan 08, 2018 1:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Claire93

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Re: Pls help critique my PS

Postby Claire93 » Wed Jun 22, 2016 3:57 am

Next time just in order to save your time, you can ask professionals to help you.
At SPAM, you can get a high-quality essay.
So it's up to you to decide what is the best option :!: for you.

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FayRays

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Re: Pls help critique my PS

Postby FayRays » Sat Jul 02, 2016 11:07 pm

As someone who loves reading stories, your story missing a lot of stuff, and it has the peak at the second paragraph then it takes us back in time, and then I end up asking why the heck would he leave basketball and try becoming a lawyer, you didn't tell us why!
Why why why!
You are obviously a strong person, but you didn't say why!

Also, I noticed there is a mistake when you quote your coach's statement about failure, but right now I am using my smart phone so I can't point it out!

Just remember, I am not saying your story is not beautiful, it just needs more!



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