Would anyone be willing to give me some feedback? Forum

[veritasaequitas7]

Hi,
Any feedback and critique will be greatly appreciated! I'll swap statements too--Thank you

[radient]

I'm assuming this is a general law school personal statement and not for anything more specific (scholarship, etc).

The focus of the essay wanders and it is too long. There are a lot of mentions of what family members have gone through, some of which are a couple sentences long and don't directly relate to where the narrative is at that moment. These should be shorter so the focus shifts to 1.) the difficulties you've overcome and 2.) why that means you want to be a lawyer

If you want to address why your background makes you want to go to law school (which may not be required - check the application page for the schools you're applying to) I think you could tie it more directly to the personal narrative offered here. I.E. Are members of your family and close family friends also Brazilian immigrants? Would you be in a unique position to help them with a law degree?

Finally, if you want to use the "overcoming difficulties" narrative, I'd try to find a better example of a specific moment that you've succeeded. The difficulty of immigrating to the US is mentioned here, but I don't see the essay ever addressing whether this is resolved or ongoing. Has there been a specific time your hard work has paid off (graduating college, big promotion, etc.)?

ETA: Have someone whose first language is English go over this before you submit - a lot of the phrasing/word choice is awkward

[veritasaequitas7]

Hi Radient, thank you so much Yes, it is meant to be a personal statement of the "overcoming adversity" variety.

So I'm afraid to clarify some of the concerns with the apparent lack of connection at listing what the family members went through and also through giving more examples of adversities, explaining resolution of my immigration matters, my personal statement got even longer. I'm struggling as to what to cut off but still make the narrative clear.

Here it is again, just in case you would be able and want to chime in again. Either way, thanks for the previous feedback!

Perseverance—I keep keeping on
I’ve always considered myself incredibly blessed and thoroughly optimistic at the prospect that hard work and persistence is an infallible way to accomplish success.

I am originally from Brazil, albeit it is a distant past, it is relevant to my story. I was raised by my grandparents and grew up listening to English as they had lived in California in the sixties and seventies, but never understanding what was said, it was generally used when the adults spoke adult matters. Nonetheless, the curiosity caught the best of me, or so I thought, when I was told I was moving to Texas with my aunt to learn English at age twelve. I immediately said yes and thought “great! I’ll finally know what they are saying”. I would later learn that some of those conversations in English were laden with tragic news. I moved to Texas, where I employed all my energy into learning English. One year and a half into my middle school studies I was out of the English as a Second Language program, joining classes with “the kids that spoke really fast”. I continued to apply myself to learning and making the most out of this opportunity. Life seemed to be moving at good pace. I started high school, where I selected to take a Spanish honors class where I participated in a nationwide exam of Spanish proficiency which I placed top of the nation. The final part of the process was an interview to get a summer abroad scholarship in Spain or a scholarship towards college tuition. I was excited and nervous; I went to the interview and won the scholarship. I readily selected the Study abroad summer program. I then was asked for documents in order to prepare for the trip. I advised that I was in a waiting line for my green card through my father and that I would talk to my attorney and request a travel permit. I soon realized that it would not be necessary as I no longer qualified for the scholarship. It was then that I had the first bitter taste of the opportunities that I would forgo because of this long road.

At age fourteen my Grandmother moved back to America from Brazil and I learned she had cancer, again. Again? I never knew she had it the first time. The adults had decided the knowledge was too heavy a burden for the kids to bear while already adjusting to a new country and culture. I then understood that I had moved to Texas because she no longer could care for us in Brazil. I had not even suspected this. A little after my sixteenth birthday, she passed away. With all I had known in the matters of a Mother so swiftly gone, and my Grandfather so paralyzed with dealing with his own grief to continue to care for my brothers and I; I realized that I needed to hurry and grow up. I finished that last semester of my junior year of High school and fast tracked my senior year in six weeks. There I was; an adult. At seventeen years old I was keenly aware that my choices were severely limited due to my immigration status and no other support system otherwise existed for my education. I soon learned that most academic scholarships I worked so hard in high school to ensure I could compete for; I in fact did not qualify for. With no way to apply for any income assistance to attend college or access to private market lending, again due to my immigration status, I decided to move back to Brazil. Only to realize there was nothing there to assist me in securing a future. The realities of life there are strikingly different. I chose to return to the United States whilst waiting for my permanent visa. Through my research and meeting with immigration attorneys I understood that my situation was a complex one, and it seemed I would repeatedly learn things that were relevant to solving my case always a few months too late. At times I thought that it was all for nothing, that all this effort would still render me unable to make America my home. I chose a major that I thought would be relevant wherever I might have needed to move to, since my future was far from secure. I took a Business law class in the first few semesters of college and was fascinated by my professor’s discussions; this sparked in me an interest that I was unaware of; that of fighting for justice, ensuring equity and fairness. The prospect of being part of the crew to use that blue print that is the constitution with the noblest of aspirations to ensure the protection of our unalienable rights is what I wanted to do. Undeniably it was what I was called to do. Only to pinch myself back to reality and face the music, I could not pursue a law career without the certainty that I could stay here. I filed yet another dream in the opportunities forgone folder. I put my blinders on and continued with what was under my control. I understood the cost and the value of an education and I had to be realistic. I worked harder than I thought I ever could to save money, pay my tuition, all my bills and still help my Mom financially, who struggled with addiction in Brazil. I was able to graduate college with a BS in Global Business Management, Cum Laude and debt free while maintaining a full time job, all meanwhile still in limbo.

I early on understood that hard work, persistence and integrity would earn my ticket to success regardless of my apparent detours. Here I am, many years older and wiser and I still believe that. My work ethic and steadfast persistence will make me a focused and implacably diligent law student, and future member of the bar. I have never worked anywhere where I have not been asked to stay once I advised of my leaving. As my Grandpa would say, ‘always leave a place better than you found it”. I strive and aspire for that in everything I do. I see law school as yet another opportunity to do just that for my institution, my community, my family and myself; to leave it better than I’ve found it.

My immigration case was finally resolved. There are peculiar challenges that come with a limbo immigration status, but not giving up because it was too hard has led to now. Through my journey I’ve recognized that what seemed the long way around route was what helped shape who I am; prepared me for being an attorney. It gives me the thorough knowledge that the adversities I faced have taught me resourcefulness and tenacity which un-doubtfully will be required of me while fighting to protect others’ rights. I don’t look at my hardships as harder than most, I look at them as my opportunities to improve myself and achieve in spite of circumstances. I look at being a law student with the same eyes, this is yet another opportunity that now I can pursue. It feels great to “un-file” this dream.

[Veritas@requitas]

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[Veritas@requitas]

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