Really need a personal statement critique/swap Forum

[kelsyfraser]

Hello All!
This is my first time through the application process and I have really been stuck on the personal statement. Its a hardship topic and I have rewrote it SO many times lol. My concerns are that I don't want it to be too negative and sad, I don't want to sound weak or like a cry baby, and that it is interesting and engaging. Also, I really do not know if sharing some of the more tragic experiences of my life is appropriate or impact-full. I'm looking for a harsh eye and would love spelling/grammar corrections and content criticism. Reply in any fashion, on the post directly or private message. I would love to help anyone else as well message me if you want a review in return.

Thank you!


Blesses With Tragedy
Some people are never lucky enough to hit on rock bottom. I am one of the luckiest of people that has had a collection of hard times that ended with me at rock bottom. What makes rock bottom so good? Why do I consider myself lucky you ask? The answer is what came after the tragic plot, I like to call it the happy ending. I am strong because I have endured pain to the point that I was completely broken but now I know my weaknesses. I am wise because now I have faced my fears, learned from my mistakes, and know the differences between illusions and reality. I am loving and optimistic because I have known sadness and lost myself, but now I can appreciate life’s abundant beauties. I am lucky because as you will see from my past, rock bottom has given me the opportunity to gain these qualities.
My story begins July 21, 1991 and while it seems like a sad story it is meant to read in a positive light until you reach the happy ending. I was born to two 16 years old, drug addict, and high school drop outs who separated before my first birthday. First I lived with my mom. She had one abusive boyfriend after another. We lived in dumps and at times we were homeless. By the time I was six years old I had to be a mother to my three younger brothers, and now I have eleven siblings between both of my parents. Both my parents were often in trouble with the law. Eventually my mom went to prison, my siblings went to foster care and I was given to my dad.
My life with my father was straight out of a nightmare. As a child my dad raped and abused me for years. I never told anyone that could help due to threats to my siblings and my life. I spent my childhood trying to get away. My dad could never hold a job due to his sever drug and alcohol problems. We lived in five houses by the time I was in junior high and I went to six different high schools. With my abusive home life and no parental guidance I never really knew the importance of school and focused on working in high school to move away. By the grace of God, I graduated high school and moved out at the age of 17. Once I was free, my biggest fear was anyone finding out what my dad did because I did everything I could to move on and forget about what happened. When I moved out, I decided to start at a community college. I worked so hard to support myself through school and sacrifices a lot for my education throughout college. I taught myself the skills I needed to be a great student while working fulltime to support myself. As a child I never really thought I would make it to college let alone graduate with my bachelors degree. I thought as I succeeded in school and work that I was breaking the chains of my childhood, but really I was running.
My running stopped when I thought my baby sister was at risk of my father’s abuse. I decided that I had to turn him in to the cops. I felt as though I was reliving every painful moment. Being questioned by the detective and my family forced me to think critically about everything that happened to me as child. Stirring up all that pain after suppressing it for so long threw me down until I hit rock bottom. Now I have faced my past and finally feel at peace. Again you ask, what makes rock bottom so good? More importantly, why does this make me a great law school applicant and future attorney?
Once you stand up from rock bottom you analyzed everything that happened and started accepting the truth no matter how painful it is. For me, I no longer saw myself as a victim but as a survivor. The blessings in disguise are the character qualities, perspective, and skills I acquired through my life. I was given life experience that others may never have. I learned how to take care of myself and others in the worst conditions, how to do the right thing even when it is hard, how to never give up, and adapt to succeed. The person life has shaped my heart and mind into coupled with my passion for education and the legal field will make me a great law student and one day a great attorney.
My undergraduate work in paralegal studies has opened my mind to how the legal systems works and lots of intriguing areas of law. Also, my personal and work experiences gives me a unique perspective to add to the study of law. The University of San Francisco School of Law feels like the perfect school for me. The mission and ideologies of the university are intrinsic with the type of student and future attorney I am. Making a positive impact by integrating humanity and ethical conduct into the study and practice of law is a goal we should all strive for and a goal dear to my heart. The Universities focus on skill training and real world experience along with the professional ethics and goal to make a positive impact is a program where I can excel, because the teaching methods match perfectly with the way I learn with inspiring environment. As an undergrad working full time, I was never able to participate in school programs. If I was admitted to the University of San Francisco School of Law, I would love to participate in the criminal and juvenile justice clinic or the legal services for children because I can passionately relate to the work due to my due to my past experience with troubled youth. In addition to the many educational reasons why the University of San Francisco School of Law is a great fit for me, there are personal reasons why this school is my top choice. I believe that in order to succeed in one area of life, such as education, I need to have a balance and be happy in other areas of my life. San Francisco is a new adventure with beautiful scenery that would bring so much happiness to my personal life as well as my professional life. I am passionate that being an attorney is the right thing for me in this life and I will succeed in the rigors of law and make a positive impact as a Law student at University of San Francisco School of Law.

[lymenheimer]

Not gonna critique your choice of law school, but you might want to do a bit more research on the job opportunities (or lack thereof) that it can lead to. Also, if you have never been to SF, it may be difficult to find gainful employment due to lack of networking connections. But that's not for this thread.
As to your PS, you need to go back and work through the grammar. I don't want to point out every piece, but I found a number of instances like the quoted, where the tenses are incorrect and make the statement flow poorly:

I worked so hard to support myself through school and sacrifices a lot for my education throughout college.

I also didn't learn anything about you, really...only what happened to you. Blanket statements like the below quoted tell us what you want us to know and don't show us. Essentially, you are saying you have these things, but I'm not seeing much of a representation of them throughout your essay.

The blessings in disguise are the character qualities, perspective, and skills I acquired through my life.

Also, there is a lot of story here. You spend a paragraph with an intro that is unnecessary and comes off oddly, and you spend another paragraph giving background info. Then you continue this background for another half paragraph. That is a lot of space to take up in an essay, and when your statement is 2 pages long, the more space you take up with unnecessary stuff, the less substantive information you actually provide. If you want to continue this route, it needs to be shortened up on the front end, and expanded in the middle.
This topic is also one to be written on carefully. Your statement about your father raping you, while it may be true, comes across as crass 1) when you follow it with "and abused" and 2) in a professional school application.
I do like how you mention supporting yourself through school and having the courage to turn your father in (though you should frame it more as courage than just "decided to"). Those things paint you in a good light. But overall, although you may have rewritten it numerous times over, I'd say you need to go back to the drawing board, or at least back to the grind (if you want to keep this topic).
If it helps calm your nerves about the time it's taking to do this, I went through at least 15 different topics, at least half written all the way to 2 pages, just over a year of drafting/editing, all before I made a statement that I was proud of.

[cheesy143]

My main areas of concern are:

The intro. I understand you're trying to introduce your life story but this whole paragraph comes off cliqued. A lot of your language like the phrase "rock bottom", use of rhetorical questions and language like "it all started (insert birthday)" is language the admissions officers have seen too many times. I would recommend rewriting that paragraph and trying to simply be genuine.

The rhetorical questions. They seem way too casual to me and not something for a professional law school essay. Maybe that's just me?

The why university of San Francisco. The whole first part about intrinsic values and skill building is so vague it could apply to any law school and adds no substance. The part about juvenile justice is great and ties into your background, expand on that more! Maybe find a teacher at their school who has background in that area.

There are a lot of flow, grammar and tense issues so read it aloud and fix where it sounds awkward.

Good luck!

[kelsyfraser]

Lymenheimer,
Thank you very much. I understand what you see and plan to re-work it and maybe you can look it over again. I get that some people lie about things in their personal statements but noting i have said was untrue. I feel like i should tell you because you seemed to be making remarks as to my honesty. Either way, I appreciate your time and comments. I am thinking of throwing some topics out all together because I cant seem to make it flow correctly. Probably because it is too personal so I'm avoiding the middle part or adding to much unnecessary information. I enjoyed your helpful comments on school choice and in part I agree. USF is only one of the many schools I am applying for. I plan on waiting for a few more reviews and rewriting it with the same topic one more time before I can it and start with a new one so if you think of anything else please let me know.
Thanks
-kelsy

[kelsyfraser]

cheese143,
You the third person to say that my first paragraph is too much like story telling and I think i finally see what everyone is saying. its just too common. I have to figure a new intro. and thank you for the tip about finding a professor and expanding on the clinic work that i am interested in. Thank you! i will post a edited version soon.

[lymenheimer]

Lymenheimer,
I get that some people lie about things in their personal statements but noting i have said was untrue. I feel like i should tell you because you seemed to be making remarks as to my honesty.

Nah. I don't disbelieve you. I believe anything that people put in their statements, but that's because it's not my job to discern truth from lies. I will tell you if something sounds like it's a lie, but it doesn't make a difference to me if you lie to the adcomms, so I just believe what people write (in their PSes). Just to clarify.